


Up through the ashes I'll rise

by mimillekoishi



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Clexa, F/F, F/M, Fluff, I got depressed and wrote that, My angst training fic, Probably a slowburn, and linctavia, but mostly clexa though, can be funny too, just a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-04-13 19:46:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 54,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4535004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimillekoishi/pseuds/mimillekoishi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What are you doing ?”</p><p>The girl cracked an eye open and identified the silhouette standing above her. She smiled and released a humourless laugh, cut short by the intense pain in her chest “It seems I am dying”<br/> </p><p>Or : Two years after the mountain, Lexa is dying on a river bank.<br/>I needed a training at writing angst and this came out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The end ?

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is my first attempt at writing angst (real angst I mean). This is a "test chapter". I will write and post chapter 2 in a few days to see how it's turning but I'd like to know what you think about this too. I want to know if it's a good beginning, if you're curious to know what happened or things like that.  
> Also. My first language is french so any constructive advice or criticism are more than welcomed (I'm still learning so...)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll like it :3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It will be like this all along :  
> "english"  
> *trigedasleng*

 “What are you doing ?”

The girl cracked an eye open and identified the silhouette standing above her. She smiled and released a humourless laugh, cut short by the intense pain in her chest “It seems I am dying”

“Do you want to ?”

With a soundless voice and another smile the girl answered “I lost”

“Lost what ?”

“Everything” at that tears started trailing the smiling girl’s cheeks.

“People are waiting for you”

The girl breathed as deeply as her aching chest permitted her for a few seconds before repeating in a weak breath “I lost” after another breath she added “And now I am dead”

“Did you want to die ?”

The girl closed her dripping eyes, feeling consciousness leaving her sore and cold body with each intake of air “Maybe”

“Your fight is not over”

The girl opened her eyes again with difficulty and her smile faded “I want to rest”

“It’s selfish”

“I wish I could be” an almost imperceptible breath permitted the girl to add “For once”

After a few seconds of a deadly silence, the girl took what she knew was her last breath and then exhaled a quiet “Clarke” before closing her eyes for good.

 

Black. Cold. Pain. And… something else. Something soft. Something warm, foreign and at the same time terribly familiar. It was strong. Almost sickening. But sweet. A smell ? What was it again ? Cinnamon ! Yes it was Cinnamon. Such a nostalgic smell. She hadn’t smelled cinnamon in an eternity. An eternity ? Had it really been that long ? That long that she had been sick ? That long that she had been a child ? She wished to return to that house she was sharing with her parents before… Before everything. But maybe she was after all. Maybe she had indeed returned to that house. Maybe that’s what happen when you die. Now she wanted to open her eyes. She wanted to see. To confirm. To go back. To rest in this fantasy of hers, wrapped in cinnamon’s smell and the warmth of a bed made of soft, clean furs.

So she opened her eyes. Slowly. She saw nothing at first, her vision blurred by the time her eyes had spent closed. Then forms appeared. Meet drying, hung to the ceiling. A huge wooden cupboard. A table with what looked like a dead rabbit. The room was dark, the only light being a glowing inconstant one coming from her right.

Then she heard. She heard the crackling of the fire. The boiling of the water. And a voice. A sweet, warm, humming voice. She heard the thuds of the rocking chair on the ground. She heard the contented sleepy moans.

It wasn’t her house. Her old family house that had burnt with her parents years ago. She wasn’t familiar with the place. But she felt so warm, so at peace. She got curious. She wanted to know. To know who the owner of the beautiful, soothing voice was but… Fear. Fear seized her. She feared that everything would disappear if she dared looking at her. Her. Yes it was a woman’s voice. She closed her eyes. Relaxing. The voice seemed both distant and close. But most of all so, so warm. It was husky, deep and shining. She didn’t know how but the voice was shining. She loved it. That voice. She loved it and wanted to look. The woman, the owner of the voice would undoubtedly be beautiful.

She opened her eyes again and slowly, she turned her head to her right.

And she saw her.

She saw the blonde hair. The blonde, glowing curly hair. And the bent back. Yes the woman had her back turned on her and she was bent over something, was holding something. The chair she was sitting in was slowly rocking in a calm but regular, soothing rhythm. The thing the woman was holding seemed small, hidden behind the long hair. But then the woman put a blonde lock behind her ear and she saw.

Suddenly she felt out, invading, occupying a place that was not hers. Witnessing something as precious as forbidden, something pure and meant to remain untouched. She was an outsider violating the intimacy of a delicate moment of eternity, a ghost witnessing life. A life she had lost. A life that she didn’t deserved.

She turned her head to the left, focusing her gaze on the wall. Then she closed her eyes. The last thing she remembered before opening them again was the hot, single tear that ran down her cheek.

 

“You’re finally up huh ?” The husky voice said. “You slept for three days you know ?”

Her eyes were still closed when the cold wet cloth gently touched her burning forehead.

“You’re sick. A mean cold. But you’ll be ok in a few days. Well if you’re willing to open your eyes and eat” She felt a weight settling next to her “Open your eyes Lexa, I know you can”

Lexa followed orders then. And green met blue. Green met blue for the first time in two years. Green met blue and green watered. Lexa cried. She didn’t know what was the reason but tears started to run down her cheeks in a steady flow.

She was alive. Clarke was alive. They were here in a comfy and warm house and they were both alive. Or dead. At this point it didn’t mattered for Lexa. Clarke was here with her and she was lying in a bed and felt good and at peace for the first time in forever. If THAT was death then she was glad to be dead.

“Hey Lexa stay with me” Clarke snapped her fingers in front of the brunette’s face “I know you’re weak but you won’t heal if you don’t eat. Come on. Here, drink. You’re dehydrated” Clarke took a glass from the bedside table and raised it to Lexa’s lips. “You can do it. I want you to drink Lexa” The blonde’s tone was soft but worried, hurrying. Blinking her tears out of her eyes one more time, Lexa took a sip. Then a second one. She hadn’t realised how much she needed to drink until the third one. She ended up emptying the glass which brought a small genuine smile on Clarke’s lips.

“Here, that’s better. I’ll fill you a bowl of soup, give me a minute”

Lexa watched her stand and in a blink of a tired eye Clarke was back on the side of her bed, a fuming bowl in her hands. The brunette tried to lift an arm but stopped groaning and wincing in pain.

“Both of your arms are broken. Same goes for your ribcage. It’s a miracle you survived”

_So I really am alive huh ?_

“I’ll feed you. Open your mouth” Clarke lifted the big spoon, blew on it to cool the soup before stuffing it into the brunette’s mouth.

A whimper escaped Lexa’s throat at the feeling of the warm tasty liquid sinking in her. Clarke smiled and repeated the operation. They continued like that, in silence until the bowl was empty. Then Clarke stood and Lexa spoke for the first time in what seemed like forever.

“I’m alive” Her voice was husky and tired and broken.

“You are”

“Why did you save me ?”

“You said ‘could’” Lexa’s questioning brow hurried Clarke to pursue. The blonde sighed “You… You said ‘I wish I could be selfish’. You said ‘could’. You didn’t want to die” she paused and added “It wasn’t your time and you know it” as if her previous explanation wasn’t enough.

Lexa took some time to process and let Clarke’s words sink into her. In the meantime the blonde had gone to retrieve the rocking chair from the corner of the room and placed it next to Lexa’s bed.

“Still. Why saving me?” _I betrayed you. You hate me._ “You have a life” She nodded in the cradle direction “You have a life far from war and horror. I am the war”

Clarke sat in the rocking chair, eyes focused on her hands in her lap, lost in thoughts. After a minute, she talked “I’m not sure”

“I heard you were dead”

“Well officially I am.  But starting today I’ll plan my resurrection” Lexa frowned. Maybe Clarke had lost her mind in the end. Maybe they were both dead and half crazy. “I’ll tell you my side of the story and I’ll say it just once so pay attention” Lexa gave her a firm nod and the blonde smiled briefly before turning expressionless and Lexa’s heart froze.

“Ok. I’ll start from the beginning. Two years ago, after the mountain, I left camp Jaha. I survived two weeks. And when I say survive I mean it. Then out of hunger and thirst and exhaustion, I collapsed somewhere on the river’s bank. The next thing I remember is waking up in the same bed you’re in, being taken care of by an old man and his wife. Their names were Bran and Lissa. They saved me, welcomed me as their own without asking any question. They didn’t know English and I was mentally broken so my first weeks here were spent in silence” The blonde let out a shaky breath, reliving her painful memories. Then she sighed “After two months of doing nothing but contemplating the world moving around me, I finally asked him what was the trigedasleng for spoon” The blonde’s face lit up with a small smile, smile that grew wider with every syllables of the rest of her story and Lexa started to feel warm again. “After that I decided that I’d pay them back for their kindness. I started to help them with the farm. They were horse breeders. They taught me trigedasleng, to take care of horses, to hunt, to fish and even fight. Bran was always saying I should know how to fight because we needed to protect the horses. There are bears in this forest. They took ten horses from us in the past two years but we managed to kill three of them” Clarke motioned to the fur covering Lexa. The blonde’s tone was light, like a child telling a story “They also had a cow and some chicken”

Then Clarke suddenly shut down, her shoulders dropping and her eyes watering. It was unexpected and Lexa didn’t know what to do. She tried to lift an arm again but the simple movement of her fingers was painful. So she just stared at the crumbling girl in front of her and she felt so weak… Clarke looked to the ceiling taking a jerky breath then looked back at Lexa, trying to hold her tears. “Then last winter Lissa fell sick. A terrible virus. She died in a week. I did all I could but…” The blonde had to pause and Lexa to close her eyes. The epidemic that had raged last year had been a blast and the beginning of the end...

“Then two weeks later it was Bran’s turn. He told me to take care of the horses. Told me he and his wife had had a son a long time ago but he had been taken by the mountain and turned into reaper. Told me they hadn’t known me for a long time but for a moment they had been happy to have me making them feel like a family again” Tears were running on Clarke’s cheeks when Lexa opened her eyes again. The brunette opened her mouth to talk but the girl raised a hand to shut her. Clarke breathed deeply for a moment. She sighed again and pusued “After that I took over their farm. Then six months ago by a quirk of fate, a couple knocked at my door. It was Lincoln and Octavia and she was on the verge of giving birth. I had never thought that I would be so happy to have spent my childhood in my mom’s operation room. The delivery was hard. She lost a lot of blood and almost died but she made it” At that Clarke’s smile was back and the tears still wetting her cheeks seemed lighter and brighter.

Then realisation hit the brunette and her cheeks flushed “You mean, that baby… Isn’t yours …?”

The blonde frowned “What ? No !” she laughed lightly, finally wipping her face with the back and palms of her hands “No, of course not !”

Lexa released a breath she didn’t know she was holding and felt ridiculous. She hated that when her jealousy blinded her and made her jump to conclusions. She was 22 now but she felt like an 8 years old and it frustrated her. Her cheeks reddened even more and she wished the other girl could think it was the fever’s fault.

Clarke fully aware of the weird look on the woman’s face pitied her and went back to her story “Her name is Selina” She pointed to the cradle “I’ll show her to you later when she’ll wake up. You’ll see, she’s Octavia’s exact replica !” she laughed again then sobered and said seriously “I heard about political tensions and the war against the Azgeda. So tell me Lexa, why were you dying in this river three days ago ?”

 


	2. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> with this chapter I realised a few things.  
> 1: I know where this is going and I want to write it  
> 2: angst is definitely not my territory but I'll try  
> 3: I'm kinda depressed these times

_Why were you dying in this river three days ago ?_

 

Why indeed. Lexa looked at the ceiling and tried to remember. But everything was blurry and vague.

“Take your time. I’ll make you some cinnamon milk. It’ll help with your cold”

The brunette watched her stand and couldn’t believe how much the blonde had changed. They hadn’t spent so much time together, a couple of month at most but she could see it. Clarke seemed lighter. The way she was walking, the way she was speaking, the way she held her shoulders. The permanent frown that had been hardening the girl’s face two years ago had disappeared. She seemed almost happy. Free.

Clarke was pouring the cinnamon milk in a cup when the door opened. A cold wind rushed in the room and Lexa shivered. She noticed for the first time that her undergarment and bandages put aside, she was naked.

“Thank god : fire !” Octavia quickly slipped into the house and closed the door. She almost ran to the hearth.

“ _Okteivia_ how many times did I mention I didn’t want your ass to be here if it’s covered in blood ! Go change clothes. You reek of iron !”

The brunette rolled her eyes grumbling what sounded like a ’Go kill your boar yourself next time’ and rubbing her hands on her arms to warm herself up a little before exiting the house, letting some more cold air enter the room.

Clarke approached Lexa again, the fuming cup in her hand, shaking her head in disappointment. “I’ve been scolding her for six months about that but she still barges in, covered in dirt or blood. One day she just came in and took her daughter in her bloody arms. I had just changed Selina’s clothes !” Clarke sat back in her chair and Lexa thought she could spend the eternity only looking at the smiling features in front of her. The girl helped Lexa take a sip of the cinnamon milk and the brunette hummed in delight.

Clarke raised an amused eyebrow “Seems that a certain someone have a thing for hot cinnamon milk !”

The smile on the blonde’s face was so radiant that a small one tugged Lexa’s lips when she said “I do”

Clarke blew on the milk and helped Lexa drink again before asking “Do you remember ? How you ended up in this river ?”

Lexa didn’t remember much of how she fell in the river. But she remembered awfully well what had lead to that. “A year ago. A terrible epidemic raged through our lands. All nations suffered from it but the Trikru was the most affected” Rage and frustration started bubbling inside the girl at the memory of her incapacity to do anything. “I had never felt so weak. I had the most powerful army any commander had ever had but I was incapable of doing anything. Children were dying in my arms and I could do nothing to save them” Despite the ache in her arms Lexa was clenching her fists and her whole being tensed.

“I heard. Nothing could have stopped that and you know it. Don’t blame yourself for things you can’t control” Clarke’s tone was serious but reassuring. She gently reached out for Lexa’s hand under the furs and uncurled the bruised fingers. “Relax”

Lexa closed her eyes and breathed deeply for a few minutes. She tried to focus on the warm feeling of Clarke’s hand on her own. She wanted to forget. To forget this terrible winter. Forget the gigantic burning pyres. “At the end of winter, thousands had died, leaving broken families and weakened armies” Lexa had to focus on Clarke’s hand again to stop her body from tensing as more images she wished were not memories flashed in her mind.

Clarke was looking at her with sad and understanding eyes and Lexa knew. She knew Clarke could understand her. Knew that the blonde might be the only one in this world capable of such a thing and she was grateful. “We lost a lot of healers, warriors and hunters. The other nations of the coalition helped us as much as they could but it wasn’t enough. If my estimations are good, we would’ve needed ten years to fully recover” She paused and took the blonde’s hand. Lexa needed a link to the safe reality she was in. The blonde understood and left her hand there “Then of course, winter came again and with it, came the Azgeda”

That’s when Lexa saw her. In a flash she saw the face of the woman that almost killed her. Then she relieved the past two months and her eyes watered in anger. She felt her jaw clench and her teeth grind. Her hands turned to fists again and her feet grabbed the furs under her.

“Lexa”

The voice dragged the brunette back to reality in an instant. Lexa’s eyes widened at the realisation of what she hadbeen doing. Ignoring the pain she quickly pulled her hand back and uncovered Clarke’s. Red nail and finger marks were visible on the pale skin and Lexa felt the ground crumbling under her. She had hurt her. She had hurt Clarke. She was on the verge of sitting when the blonde’s hands pushed on her shoulders to maintain her on the bed.

“Shhh it’s ok” Lexa’s terrified and guilty green eyes met calm blue. “It’s ok. You didn’t hurt me. You’re safe”

_You’re safe_

The words were echoing in Lexa’s ears and brought her back in that forest two years ago. After Clarke had saved her from the Pauna. They had escaped death and yet Lexa felt like that day had been easier to deal with than those past two month. A Pauna was nothing compared to the Azgeda. Nobody was safe.

A shaky breath escaped Lexa’s mouth “I am sorry Clarke”

Feeling the girl under her relax, the blonde adjusted the furs of the bed so that the cold winter air couldn’t reach Lexa. Clarke was grabbing the cup of milk when the door opened again.

“See ? All clean and-“ Octavia stopped in her tracks in the middle of the room, staring at Lexa. Stare that changed into glare in a matter of seconds.

“Octavia won’t you please close this fucking door !? It’s winter outside !”

“I’m sorry Clarke. She left it open for me” said Lincoln, closing the door.

Clarke softened “Ok, sorry for yelling”

Selina started crying then and Octavia was next to the cradle an instant later. She took her daughter in her arms “Yes honey I know. Auntie Clarke yelled and woke you up again” she said in a soft voice, throwing a glare at Clarke this time. The blonde huffed and pushed the rocking chair near the fire where Lexa had seen it a few hours ago.

“If you ask me I’d say it was your loud appearance that woke her up but fine, blame me. It’s time to feed her anyway”

Lincoln approached the bed and kneeled down. He bowed * _Heda*_

A warm feeling wrapped Lexa at the man’s behaviour. As much as her title was heavy, it was hers, and being recognized for what she was felt good.

* _Stand Lincoln. I am no more your Heda_ *

* _You are the only Heda, Lexa_ * The girl felt her heart throb in her chest at her old friend’s words. She just nodded solemnly, her eyes expressing all the respect and affection she felt for the man.

Octavia was sitting in the chair and taking off her shirt when she said * _Stop that Lincoln. She’s nothing now._ And she deserves it”

Clarke clicked her tongue in exasperation “Octavia, one more word and I’ll kick you out” The girl rolled her eyes but stop talking, focusing her attention on her daughter.

The blonde went to sit on the edge of the bed and Lincoln on a chair at the table in the centre of the room. “Please Lexa I need to know what happened, tell us” Her tone was soft but hurrying.

Lexa took a deep breath and resumed “The azgedakru lives in the north. The cold there is very intense, especially in winter. They got spared by the epidemic and the ice queen took advantage of this to betray the coalition. Two month ago, at the beginning of winter, she attacked Hariss, a town in the north. She took us by surprise. I still don’t know how she managed to guide her army so far into trikru territory without me knowing it”

“She’s already so close ?” Lincoln’s tone was obviously worried. Octavia lifted her head to look at him, then at Lexa, her previous anger changed into genuine concern.

Lexa could feel the air thicken and it became harder to breath with each word “Worse. Two weeks ago we received information saying she would attack Alti. Our armies fought for two days last week and we won. Too easily. And the Azgeda was nowhere to be found” she closed her eyes and swallowed.

“…She attacked Fredrik…”

Lexa couldn’t talk. Her voice just didn’t want to come out as her mouth was opening and closing hesitantly. She could feel her eyes watering again. Alti’s battle was the biggest mistake she had done during her reign and it was still so fresh and vivid…

“Breath Lexa”

Clarke’s tone was so gentle and calming that Lexa obliged and inhaled deeply. She repressed a sob and finally answered “Yes. Five days ago I left Alti with what was left of my army and we reached Fredrik four days ago. She was already there, waiting for us. She had come with an entire army more powerful than the one in Alti. We fought”

Seeing the broken chest of the one that was once the Heda, Commander of the coalition, jump uncontrollably with each repressed sob and the alarmed expression on her husband’s face, filled Octavia with fear. It was impossible for the commander to lose, for her strong warriors to die. Not like that. Not so easily. Her heart clenched as her plea escaped her mouth “What happened then ? What happened say it !”

Lexa tried to sit on the bed again but this time Clarke didn’t stop her. On the contrary she helped her and steadied her by sitting behind her back, maintaining her in a sitting position that wouldn’t damage her ribs too much. The brunette needed to face the couple in front of her. She was the only responsible of what happened. What had led to the terrible truth. Lexa took a deep breath and for **a** moment her Commander grave, piercing gaze was back as she was looking into Octavia and Lincoln’s eyes. “We lost. It was a massacre, a perfect trap. They killed all my warriors. And…” Lexa took another deep breath, praying the gods to give her the strength to speak true to the crying mother in front of her “She killed Indra in front of my eyes” She allowed her eyes to fell on her lap and she whispered a broken “I’m sorry” Those words were holding all the regret Lexa could express. It was her fault. SHE led her army to war to get killed and she was sure that by now, the ice queen would be in Polis, claiming the trikru lands, reducing her people into slavery. But once again she couldn’t do anything. She was powerless and it was killing her.

Lincoln stood to take his wife in his arms. Octavia was crying silently and the usually strong and intimidating man seemed weak. Lexa, Heda kom trikru had lost in a bloodshed against the worst leader possible and Indra was dead.

Clarke lied Lexa down slowly. The brunette didn’t want to look at her. Look at those two blue eyes that one day had looked at her in awe, respect and admiration.

“Lexa. How did you fell in the river ?”

Lexa was feeling weak, like all the energy she had left had just disappeared. “I was fighting on the edge of the cliff when the ground collapsed under my feet. I don’t even know how I survived. I fell in the water and the current took me away. The last thing I remember is being thrown on a rock and the feeling of my bones crushing” she stated in a monotonous tone, like nothing mattered anymore and she closed her eyes. She felt a gentle hand on her forehead, then a wet cloth again. She heard the distant voice of Clarke whispering something before drowning in the depths of a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ? How was it ?


	3. Shame

When she woke up it took some time for Lexa to realise she was alone. Her mouth was dry. He needed to drink. She spotted the glass on the bedside table and tried to sit or at least move an arm but the ache was so strong she just ended up groaning in pain. She had had her arms and ribs broken before. It wasn’t the first time she was in such a state. But the river had pulled and torn her body so well that all her muscles, tendons and joints were sore. She wondered if someone would go look for her. Warriors, azgedakru warriors sent to kill her. Fear seized her at the realisation. “CLARKE !” She called as loudly as her broken body permitted her. She waited, heart beating fast, all senses on alert, hoping for something, a voice, a sound, anything. Then she heard hurried footsteps approaching and saw a panting blonde quickly enter the house.

“Lex- *pant* Lexa, what is *pant* it ?”

The brunette released a relieved sigh “Sorry. I thought-“ but her voice shut. Her throat felt swollen and painful. She winced and the blonde ran to her side and fell on her knees.

“What, what is it ?”

Lexa managed to whisper “Throat”

It was Clarke’s turn to sigh in relief “Shit ! I thought it was something terrible ! I told you, you have a really mean cold. You spoke too much yesterday so your throat is swollen. And you just screamed like an idiot to aggravate it” She shook her head “I’ll give you something to reduce the pain but you’ll have to stay silent for a while or your throat won’t heal”

It was a nightmare. Lexa couldn’t tell Clarke she was in danger. She was the prisoner of her own body. She nodded to reassure the blonde. She needed her voice to return as soon as possible. It was just a matter of time before the azgeda’s minions start looking for her body.

Clarke stood and went to the fireplace. She added a few wood pieces to the fire and poured some milk in what looked like a suspended pan. Then she approached the bed again.

“Lexa, I’ll need to check something. I’ll uncover you ok ?” The brunette nodded, not fully understanding the blonde’s concern until the girl actually uncovered her. The smell was terrible and Lexa’s whole being trembled in shame. Clarke covered her again “I’ll call Lincoln when you’re finished with your milk and we’ll take you to the hot spring. You need a bath”

Lexa used to be the most powerful human being on earth. Now she was trapped in a body she couldn’t control, needing assistance for everything. What once was pride had turned into shame and Lexa cried again.

“Shh it’s ok. I’m a doctor. You’re sick and hurt. It’s ok” said the blonde, sitting on the bed and cupping the other girl’s left cheek, wiping tears with her thumb.

So many times Lexa had dreamt about Clarke’s hand on her cheek, Clarke’s soft voice, Clarke’s skin on her own, Clarke’s scent, Clarke’s blue eyes, Clarke… but now all she wanted was to die. Die and relieve herself of the shame of being seen like that by the woman she loved. Love… She had kissed Clarke. No, the commander had kissed Clarke. The actual Lexa was nothing like the insurant and fierce woman the Heda was. She left her tears trail her cheeks and the worried, pained blue eyes looking at her pierced her heart like a hundred arrows.

The blonde jumped then, remembering that milk was boiling. She stood and filled a cup. She added honey. Then just like the day before, she sat next to Lexa, helped her to sit and drink. Lexa had her gaze focused on her lap or the cup. She couldn’t meet Clarke’s eyes. Her tears were still running down her cheeks when the blonde placed a light kiss on her temple in acceptation. Acceptation of everything and green finally met blue and Lexa’s heart throbbed. “I knew what I was getting into the moment I picked you up from the river. I know the queen will send people to look for you. And I can’t guarantee that they won’t find you or harm us but this house is really well hidden. Only a few people knows that we’re here” She helped Lexa to drink again and added “And as long as I’m breathing, I won’t let them put a single finger on you” Clarke then stood quickly and leaned Lexa down. “I’ll call Lincoln. He’ll carry you to the bath”

Silence fell in the room when Clarke left the house, the only sound being the crackling of the fire. Lexa’s tears had stopped. She couldn’t die. That was the message held by the blonde’s words. Clarke wanted her to live. But how ? How can you live when just surviving is something you can’t do on your own ?

It was the sound of the door opening that dragged Lexa out of her thoughts. Lincoln entered followed by Clarke. The man kneeled down next to the bed and bowed * _Pardon me heda_ * He stood and wrapped her in the furs of the bed. Then he lifted her. It took Lexa by surprise. Out of habit she moved to free herself but only managed to hurt herself and groan.

“Stop that Lexa, you’ll hurt yourself and reopen your wounds !”

Wounds ? She had wounds ? At the blonde’s worried gaze Lexa calmed down and relaxed in Lincoln’s arms. Clarke held the door open for the man to get out and the brunette shivered. Snow was covering the field and woods around her. The sun was high and the whole scenery was silent, Lincoln’s footsteps’ cracking in the fresh snow put aside. Everything seemed suspended in time. It was beautiful. Lincoln took the direction of the woods and Lexa wondered where he was taking her.

* _She will join you in a minute. She is preparing clothes and towels_ * said the man after a few minutes, sensing the girl’s concern at the fact that Clarke wasn’t following them. Lexa blushed slightly at that. She hadn’t realise how much she was searching for the blonde until Lincoln’s remark.

Then they approached what looked like a clearing with a cave in front of them. The snow around the entry of the dark tunnel had melted and a hot steam was escaping it. Lincoln adjusted Lexa’s position in his arms so that he could grab the torch at the entry. They penetrated the cave and an incredible heat surrounded them. It became harder to breath but compared to the cold outside, such a warmth felt good and comforting. After a two minute walk in the pitch black corridor, barely large enough for them to walk in, they finally reached the spring. It was a rather large cavity. The ceiling was high enough for the light of the torches arranged on the walls not to reach it. The round pool too was large, around 80 feet large, and seemed deep. A wooden platform was settled at approximatively 20 inches under the hot, fuming water. Strangely, the temperature inside the room was colder than in the narrow tunnel from before.

Lincoln carefully put Lexa down in a sitting position, resting her back on a wall. _*I will leave you here. Clarke should be there in a minute_ * The man turned to exit the cave and had already a foot in the corridor when he spoke, his back to Lexa * _Trust her_ * Lexa wanted him to look at her and the incredulous look on her face and explain what he meant but he just disappeared in the dark without more explanation.

Lexa quickly mentally shrugged it away, focusing on the amazing thing that was the whole place. Natural caves like this one were rare, and those with hot springs in it, even more. Not surprizing that people decided to live here. Then she closed her eyes and relaxed, the steam and walls enveloping her, drowning her in a warm, comforting feeling of security.

“Shit !”

Lexa jumped at the loud thud and the yelled swearword. A few seconds of grumbling later Clarke appeared, a large wooden basin on her left arm, a torch in her right hand and her back bent in a strange angle.

“Sorry I yelled” said the blonde with a small smile, dropping the basin and its contents on the floor next to Lexa then rubbing her lower back “I slipped and fell on my butt, nothing alarming. Just fucking painful. The worst is that it happens all the time… Oh well” Clarke had talked fast, her tone light and joyful. Lexa decided she liked that Clarke a lot. She was different from the fierce leader she had met but she liked her like that. Free.

The brunette watched Clarke take out two piles of clothing from the basin and put them on one of the two metallic bars nailed parallel to the wall. On the other bar she put two large towels. She also took out a few white piece of cloth that she put on the ground and a big piece of soap. Then she filled the basin with water using a big cup. When the water reached half the height of the basin, the blonde turned to Lexa “So. Here we are huh ?”

Clarke released a breath like if she was preparing for any kind of challenge. Then something really unexpected (for the clouded mind of Lexa) happened. The blonde started removing her clothes and Lexa’s eyes widened. When Clarke started to take of her pants, the brunette realized she had been staring and she averted her eyes.

“It’s ok Lexa look at me” The poor girl shook her head, her face red in embarrassment “Fine but it’s gonna be a pain in the ass for me to undress-uh unwrap you if you’re so prudish !” Lexa’s eyes then widened and she looked at the girl in sincere shock. Then her gaze fell on the blonde’s body on their own volition and the brunette released a sigh (of what she didn’t know). The girl was in undergarments. Of course she wouldn’t be naked.

“Disappointed Commander ?” asked Clarke with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. But she didn’t letLexa the time to process this odd behaviour. An instant later, Clarke was squatting in front of her. “I’m sorry but I can’t wash you if you keep those stinky pelts on you. I’m going to pull them off ok ?” Lexa swallowed with difficulty (she had a ‘really mean’ cold after all) and nodded. Clarke offered her a small smile before starting to unwrap the furs from around Lexa’s body. And that was harder than expected. How did Lincoln managed to do that so fast and effortlessly, that she didn’t know, but he did and now the blonde had the hardest time taking off those furs without hurting Lexa. But she achieved her goal eventually.

Lexa then was left in only her bandages and stained undergarments. She couldn’t help but shy away again, ashamed and tense under the blonde’s eyes.

“Hey, you remember I delivered Octavia’s baby right ? First I saw more of my friend than I ever wanted. Second, it was a really, bloody, sticky mess, way more disgusting than-“ she motioned to Lexa’s lap “That. It’s nothing compared to Octavia giving birth !” The smile on the blonde’s face helped Lexa relax but just to be sure, Clarke whispered “For a moment I even thought I would’ve to reanimate Lincoln. The big guy almost fainted” At that Lexa couldn’t help but smile slightly. Her old friend had always been a softie. “Here it is ! I like you way more when you smile” Once again Lexa didn’t have the time to think because the blonde had grabbed her from under her arms and dragged her to the basin. “Here, we’ll start with your hair” She leaned Lexa down and rested her neck on the pile of cloths. She gently grabbed her hair and plunged it into the hot water.

Lexa was used to people washing her hair. But the way Clarke was massaging her scalp was nothing in comparison. It felt so, SO much better. So her eyes closed and she relaxed in the touch. The brunette started thinking again. She thought about how much the blonde had changed. How can someone change so much in only two years ? Then she saw Clarke’s shelter burn and the happy blonde’s throat slit by the azgeda. She jumped and sat abruptly, eyes wide, breathless.

“It’s ok Lexa, it was a nightmare, just a nightmare”

The brunette turned her head to look at the two worried blue eyes. Then she put all the effort in the world into lifting an arm, brush lightly Clarke’s cheek with her fingers offering a small smile before wincing, letting it fall miserably on her lap. She groaned in pain of course. Clarke was aback for a second then scolded her “Lexa I told you not to move unless it’s necessary !” Lexa smirked and huffed a little. At that the blonde’s cheeks reddened “Don’t want to listen to me ? fine !” Clarke suddenly started to pull off every single piece of cloth and bandages on Lexa. Soon she was sitting entirely naked in front of a really proud blonde. Lexa pouted and averted her eyes. She had no problem with nudity. But knowing that Clarke could see her so stained was the most shameful thing she ever had to endure.

“Now I need you to stay still” The blonde’s soft, soothing tone was back and Lexa relaxed a little. Then her gaze fall on her now free from any bandage arm and a shiver ran down her spine. She had hundreds of tiny scratches, a few large cuts and a really big stitched wound on her biceps. Her heart started to beat faster and she hurriedly examined the rest of her body. Her ribcage too was covered in scratches and cuts and one of her breast was purple. She had another stitched wound right above her bellybutton and her legs were similar to her arm. Blue and yellow bruises were blooming everywhere. She should’ve been dead. Her eyes watered and fear seized her at the realization. She had been so close to death.

Like she had been reading her mind, the blonde kneeled between Lexa’s thighs, gently embracing her “I told you. It’s a miracle…” Lexa then nuzzled her head in the crook of Clarke’s neck, face buried in blonde hair. At this exact moment she took a decision. She would fight. She would heal and stand and fight again. Something, someone somewhere had given her a second chance and she would embrace it.

When Clarke pulled back and looked at Lexa, her eyes opened wide in surprise. The fierce, piercing, strong green was back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys so I'm still not sure about this ending. But the next chapters are ready so...


	4. Intimacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, yeah I know I was supposed to write angst but... I couldn't take this thing out of my head...
> 
> Anyway as usual tell me what you thought !

 

The blonde had decided to start with her back. Back that was itching like crazy and Lexa’s frustration for not being able to scratch it, was only barely appeased by the cloth’s friction. Once again the silence in the room and Clarke’s gentle touch made Lexa relax and think. She had decided a few minutes ago that she would live. Right. But to do what ? She was powerless. A weight on Clarke’s shoulder. A weight. That was it. She’d try to heal as quickly as possible and repay the blonde then free her from her heavy presence. How, that she didn’t know. But she had a few more weeks of incapacity to think about it. She had time. No rush. When was the last time she had had time again ? Since she had become Heda, she had been riding from town to town solving problems, raising armies, burning pyres, convincing leaders to join her cause, leaving tiny pieces of herself each time. And for what in the end ? Death. The people she once tried to protect were dead. Or almost. Or worse.

“You’re thinking too loudly” Lexa came back to the cave and the girl now in front of her “I’m done with your back” Lexa’s gaze then got caught by a glimpse of red. She stared down at the red stained cloth on the floor that Clarke had been using to wash her back. She frowned and looked back into blue eyes, questioning silently.

The blonde sighed “Yes your back is not in better shape. You have a deep wound, extending from your right shoulder blade to your left lower back. It was… deep. I saw your spine…” The blonde made a face at that “I thought you wouldn’t be able to move your legs again, or worse” Clarke let out a shaky breath averting her eyes and once again, Lexa wondered why the blonde was so kind and caring with someone that had betrayed her.

“I’ll lay you down again ok ?” Lexa nodded. Clarke’s every movements were careful and precise. Her hands were soft but insurant. That’s probably why the brunette’s body didn’t hurt so much when Clarke rubbed it with the cloth. The blonde started to wash around the biggest wounds and cuts on her arms and belly. Done with the delicate areas, she washed the rest of her arms. When she reached her chest, Lexa saw the blonde swallow thickly and fought back a smirk. At least she wasn’t the only one feeling uncomfortable at this whole, completely surrealistic situation.

Clarke cleared her throat “So um… The water of the source is said to have healing properties so we’ll probably have to… repeat the operation once or twice a day for the next week. I mean, hot water is good for blood circulation and will help with your bruises so…”

Lexa wanted to scream how much she wouldn’t care, that her only concern was the time and energy it cost to the blonde, that she’d prefer do it herself because she didn’t want to bother. Instead she just caught the shy blue eyes with her own and gave a small nod.

The blonde released a breath again “Good”

Clarke then moved to Lexa’s feet and when the soapy cloth rubbed her sole, the brunette jumped and freed her foot from the blonde’s hand. Clarke raised an eyebrow and smirked while Lexa averted her eyes “Cinnamon milk lover and ticklish under her foot ? Are you a kid or what ?” The light laugh that escaped the blonde’s mouth made Lexa’s heart skip a beat. She could swear she had never heard a sound as charming, enticing as Clarke’s laugh. She surprised herself wondering what she’d have to do to hear it again one day.

But Clarke’s laugh died and for a moment her hands stopped moving. Lexa raised her head from the ground and looked at her. It lasted less than a few seconds but the face of the girl held sorrow. “Don’t worry it’s nothing. It’s just… I wondered for the umpteenth time when you stopped being a child. What being a kid means on earth”

Lexa was taken aback. Why did Clarke looked so pained by something that didn’t concern her in the slightest ? And did she just said ‘for the umpteenth time’? “Clarke” She managed to say in an almost mute, really raspy voice.

The blonde finally got out of her sad trance and glared at Lexa “I said NO TALKING” Then she resumed her movements on the brunette’s legs and added in a softer tone “I’m sorry, I can’t help worrying about Selina. But that’s not my place to talk about that” Lexa gave her a curious look but she just smiled. She wouldn’t say anything more.

Clarke was soon finished with Lexa’s legs and she went to sit next to the brunette’s head. She stiffly ran a hand on the back of her head and said “So. There’s still a place I need to wash and you’re not going to like it…” Clarke averted her eyes. She was obviously waiting for any kind of signal from Lexa. But then her she remembered “Oh shit sorry ! I forgot you couldn’t talk…”

Lexa raised an eyebrow mockingly. But then her serious expression was back and she mouthed something the blonde didn’t understand so she leaned down, her ear close to Lexa’s lips. Then the brunette whispered a weak “We do what we have to”. When the blonde pulled back Lexa had a small smile on her face. It wouldn’t be  pleasant, but it had to be done.

Clarke took a deep breath “Ok, do you think you can bend your knees ? I’ll try to put you on your knees. If you can’t I’ll just try differently, ok ?”

Lexa nodded and bended her knees surprisingly easily. The hot environment and water might actually be a real cure in itself. Then Clarke embraced her waist to put her in a sitting position. Lexa lowered her knees and Clarke moved in front of her.

“Ok, now try to stand on your knees, eventually sit on your heels if you want. I’ll steady you” Once again, the blonde embraced Lexa, trying to relieve the weight on her ribcage.

The task was not easy. Lexa could feel how weak and sore her thighs were. With Clarke’s help she managed to sit on her heels but at the end of the process she was panting.

“We’ll take a short break ok ? Put your weight on me”

Lexa smiled. Clarke was a goddess. She just sighed in the blonde hair covering her face, leaned on Clarke and tried to gather some strength. After a moment of an uncomfortable silence, Lexa pulled back slightly. The blonde then extended an arm to grab the basin and a clean piece of cloth. “Can you spread your legs a little ?” Lexa did as said “Ok. It’ll be quick”. The brunette, fearing more than waiting what would come, nodded against Clarke’s shoulder.

She wouldn’t recognize it publicly but Lexa had always imagined that Clarke’s hands between her thighs would be something to look for. But the situation had nothing enjoyable. She tried, she really tried to focus on the fact that it was Clarke, the fact that the blonde could understand, that it meant nothing to her, she wouldn’t think it’s weakness. But Lexa had her pride. She just couldn’t ignore the feeling. The shame and embarrassment that seized her was nothing comparable to anything she had experienced before. It was humiliating. Her whole body tensed making her bones crack and the ache in her body come back. Her eyes watered and her resolution, her motivation to live wavered as she was realising that THIS was only the first step of a really long and frustrating and shameful process.

“I’m so sorry Lexa…”

The brunette felt the other girl sob and sniffle. Lexa’s tears stopped in their tracks. How can a girl be so generous, so giving, so caring for someone like her ? Then Lincoln’s voice echoed in the girl’s ears : _trust her_. “Clarke”. The blonde stopped moving and Lexa whispered a weak “Thank you”. Clarke just nodded and resumed.

A long minute later, Clarke was finished and stood. She turned her back to Lexa, wiped her cheeks quickly and then turned back to the brunette, hands on her hips “Ok, now start the super cool part”. Lexa still dazed hadn’t seen that coming. Clarke placed her hands under her armpits and dragged her to the edge of the pool. Lexa silently hummed in pleasure when her legs found the water.

“Yeah I know the feeling” said Clarke with a smirk. The brunette moved her legs in the water, enjoying it. A second later, she saw the blonde run on one side of the pool and jump in. The brunette got slightly worried as the blonde wasn’t coming out. Clarke did eventually and she swam to the wooden platform saying “Whoa I needed that !” She stood on the platform and Lexa’s eyes widened at the sight. When and where the blonde’s undergarments had disappeared was a mystery. “Stop staring at me like you’ve never seen a woman body before and help me immerse you !”

Lexa was still in shock when the blonde grabbed her waist just above her hips and pulled her down. In an instant in Lexa’s mind, Clarke’s naked body was replaced by the delicious feeling of the hot water gently wrapping her tired limbs.

“Well, THAT’s a delighted face !” Once again Lexa’s heart fluttered at the laugh the now swimming blonde released. “If you ask me, swimming in this pool is the best thing in the world !” she sat on the platform next to Lexa and added “You’ll be so frustrated to watch me swim in such enjoyment every time we come here that you’ll want to heal as soon as you can just to see how it feels”

How ? How was Clarke doing that ? Telling Lexa everything she wanted to hear ?

A comfortable silence fell. After a few minutes, Lexa dared a glance at the blonde. She had her eyes closed and her head was back, leaned on the pool’s edge. And Lexa remembered. She remembered the girl that had entered her tent, looking for an alliance. No for help. Lexa had seen people beg her to spare them, or provide help and support. But this girl just came in and talked to her as her equal. Insurant despite the fear she was feeling. Her life and her people’s were on the line and she still dared talking to the commander as her equal. So desperately brave. The girl that Lexa had in front of her right now had nothing in common with the leader of the sky. But once again, herself too had nothing in common with the Heda she had been.

“You know it’s not polite to stare at people like that right ?” said the blonde cracking an eye open with a smirk. Lexa made a face and averted her eyes, the invisible ceiling looking suddenly so much interesting. How good it felt though to know she could avert her eyes.

A strong, annoyed voice broke the relaxed atmosphere “Claaaaaarke ! Get your ass out of here, I’m hungry !”

The blonde released a terribly long sigh. She got out of the water, dried herself and dressed. “Don’t move, I’ll go find some clean bandages. Do NOT move ok ?” she said with a menacing glare.

Lexa nodded and was surprised when the girl easily pushed the still full basin on the ground so Clarke explained “We put some tiny wheels under it so that we can just push it and pour the dirty water outside” It was ingenious.

The brunette saw the girl once again bent in a ridiculous position disappear in the corridor, pushing her basin and she smiled.

 


	5. Comfortable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is short but just wait for the next (tomorrow probably)  
> as usual :  
> "english"  
> *trigedasleng*

When Lexa opened her eyes, she expected to see the cave with its pool. She expected to feel the warm feeling of the water on her skin. Instead what she saw was the ceiling of the house and what she felt was a cold wet cloth on her forehead. She was back in her bed. She turned her head and noticed Octavia in the rocking chair, her sleeping daughter in her arms. The shifting in the bed alerted the girl and she raised her head. Her eyes were red but no longer angered. Just tired.

“You blacked out” Octavia explained, her voice low. “It happens when you’re not used to hot water. If you stay too long in it, you can lose consciousness” the mother’s gaze fell back on Selina. Lexa thought their interaction was over when she added “Clarke will be back in a minute”

The message was clear ‘I tolerate you but I won’t take care of you’. Lexa could see why Indra had liked the girl. Some aspects of their personalities were alike. She smirked slightly and decided to take a better look at her surroundings. The room was rectangular and kinda small. Lexa’s bed was leaned on the longer wall, the one with the door, opposite to the fireplace. On each side of the fireplace, a small window (it was dark outside). In the middle of the room, a small table with three chairs. In front of Lexa, on the smaller wall, there was a cupboard and right next to it a huge chest. Meat was hanged up on one of the beam supporting the wooden ceiling. It was simple but comfy.

Then she focused on her body. It felt lighter. The pain was still there but it was bearable, ribs and arms put aside. And her back. Her back was the worst. Why ? It  hadn’t hurt before ?

“Damn this winter will be harsh” said Clarke entering the house, followed by Lincoln. She immediately threw a look at the bed “Oh, you’re awake ! Good.” She took off her coat and went to the fire, hanging the pan above it again. Lincoln approached the bed and bowed. Lexa nodded in response and he said *Can you sit ?* She nodded again and he uncovered her. That’s when she noticed she was wearing large, comfortable clothes and that her bandages were back. Lincoln lifted her in his arms and sat her on the edge of the bed. She mouthed a ‘mochof’. He bowed slightly and smiled. Octavia appeared from behind the man and rested a possessive hand on his chest.

* _I’m tired. Let’s go to sleep_ * The big man nodded and followed his wife. Just before exiting the house though he stopped and looked at Lexa, his eyes silently asking the brunette to forgive his wife’s behaviour. Then he disappeared in the night and Clarke was sitting next to Lexa.

 “She’s been through a lot. Don’t mind her. Here, some boiled potatoes and dry meat” Lexa smiled slightly at the plate. The meat was already cut in tiny pieces. Like the day before, she helped her eat. The silence was not uncomfortable but Clarke broke it “Your arms will need at least two weeks of total inactivity so I don’t want you to try to move them before ok ?” Lexa nodded before the other girl could put another meat piece in her mouth “Good. We’ll try to take off your bandages and brace after a month but it might not be enough. Ribs don’t need so much attention usually. But I think your chest has been crushed really hard. All of them might be broken. It could take from a month to six weeks or maybe even more, I don’t know. But I don’t want you to move too much until you’re totally healed. It’s not because it doesn’t hurt that it is healed !” Lexa rolled her eyes she had had broken ribs before and it never stopped her from going to war “Lexa…” the blonde said in a menacing voice. The brunette sighed and finally nodded. “I want you to sleep as much as you can and call for me when the pain is too strong. Lincoln made some ointment for your bones and bruises and some pain-killer but we don’t have a lot of them so…” Lexa nodded again. But she wouldn’t need them anyway. She’d been through worse.

Lexa approached her lips from the blonde’s ear and whispered “My back. Did not hurt before. Why now ?”

“Before, you didn’t know you were hurt. Sometimes, when you’re hurt everywhere, the brain is too occupied by the wounds you can see. So it forgot what you can’t see. That’s why, when you didn’t know about the wound in your back, it didn’t hurt, because your brain didn't know it was there”

Lexa nodded impressed. Clarke had so many things to teach her.

The plate empty, the blonde stood and put it on the table. She went to the cupboard and retrieved a small ceramic pot. She sat next to Lexa again “Say ah” The brunette did as said. She hadn’t tasted honey in years. Where did Clarke even got it ? “Don’t swallow it yet. Let it melt on your tongue” She went to tidy up the pot and came back “Bed time now” Clarke helped Lexa lie down, she covered her and then went to retrieve some clothes, some thread and a needle. She sat in the rocking chair “Sleep. I just have some more work to do”.

Lexa closed her eyes and faked sleep for a while. She opened them again after a few minutes to look at the blonde. She was working fast. In record time she was finished with what looked like one of Lincoln’s pants. She released a tired sigh then. She put the pants on one of the chair and her tools on the table. She took out a large bear fur from the chest and wrapped it around herself.  Then she sat back in the rocking chair and closed her eyes. And it hit Lexa.

The whole house had been made for three persons. She was in Clarke’s bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .


	6. The first month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "english"  
> *trigedasleng*
> 
> The starting point of the day counting is the very first chapter. For example the first story takes place 7 days after Clarke has found Lexa.

**Day 7, Sunny afternoon**

 

 

Lexa felt better. She could stand and walk even if Clarke didn’t want her to. Her throat was almost healed so she could speak a little. Sometimes though her ribs were hurting so much she cried in pain. Hopefully Lincoln was a good healer. His pain-killer were effective. Her bruises were still there but didn’t hurt much anymore. Except today. What hurt the most was her back, it was burning. At first she didn’t want to call for help but the pain became too strong “Octavia” The girl at the table raised her head, waiting. “Call Clarke-“ Lexa made a face and Octavia stood quickly, understanding “My back” The girl exited the room in a hurry.

Ten minutes of agony later, Clarke finally stormed into the house, followed by Octavia “Lexa !? What is it !?” The blonde was panting and her clothes drenched in blood.

“My back. It burns” she answered with a face

“Octavia, help her to sit. I don’t want to stain her clothes”

The brunette did as said but when Lexa was finally sitting on the edge of the bed Octavia’s eyes opened wide in pure shock. “Clarke !”

“What is it !?” The blonde that until then was in front of Lexa jumped behind the girl and then she saw.

Lexa frowned, her worry growing “What ?”

“Your top is drenched in blood…”

“Octavia, put some water to boil” The brunette nodded and exited the house with the big pot in her arms. Clarke took her knife out of her boot and cut the back of Lexa’s top. “Shit. Your wound reopened badly… This one’s so deep… I don’t know what cut you Lexa, but it was sharp and could’ve killed you” Clarke grabbed a clean cloth and wiped the blood “Ok, it’s not so terrible. But you waited before calling me didn’t you ?”

She had.

Lexa nodded and Clarke released an exasperated sigh “Fuck, if you intend on killing me you’re on a direct path ! Seriously I almost had a heart attack ! There’s so much blood… You let yourself bleed for 30 minutes at least you idiot !”  Clarke was mad. Really mad. Even after a few days, and bathes with Clarke, Lexa still couldn’t understand why the blonde got so worked up just for her.

Octavia entered the house again with the pot full of water. She fed the fire and hung the pot above it.

“Octavia, press here just like that ok ?” Clarke gave her the cloth and showed her where to press to stop the blood. Of course Octavia was clearly disallowed by the task but she did it anyway. The blonde went out for what felt like five minutes. When she came back her hands were clean but blue and shaking. She grabbed her thread and needle. She sterilized the needle in the fire and went to sit behind Lexa again.

“Take some water and give it to me with a clean cloth”

“Clarke, your hands are shaking…”

“O, it’s not the first time my hands are cold, they’ll survive it. Now I need you to do what I want”

Octavia did as said reluctantly “Good now could you clean the wound for me when I ask you to ?” the brunette nodded. Clarke took off the now drenched in blood cloth for Octavia to clean the cut “Ok wipe it now” The wound was clear. Of course the five most important stitches had broken. At least she couldn’t see the spine anymore which meant that it had cicatrized at least a little. The worst was behind her and she sighed in relief. “Good. Tell me if it hurts too much Lexa ok ?”

“Yes.” The truth was that Lexa couldn’t feel anything more than the burning in the middle of her back. So when Clarke’s needle penetrated her flesh she barely felt it.

It took Clarke around twenty minute to be done with the stitching and cleaning. The furs were drenched too though so she went to wash them at the river immediately after.

 Clarke out, Octavia spoke * _I don’t know why she’s putting so much energy into saving you, if you ask me you’re not worth it. I’m letting you stay because she wants it but worry her too much, put yourself in danger once again and I’ll be the one to end your fight_ *

 

 

 

**Day 9, at night**

 

 

Clarke had exited the house in a hurry. One of her mare was giving birth. Lexa couldn’t walk well enough to follow so she just stayed in bed. In bed. It gave her an idea. She lifted herself from the bed with difficulty, her back and ribs still aching when she moved too much. She walked slowly to the rocking chair and almost collapsed on it. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.

When the door opened again, Lexa woke up but kept her eyes closed. She heard the girl, probably Clarke stop walking, opening the chest, taking out something and then walking in her direction. She felt something heavy and supple wrapping her. She felt the blonde’s body warmth closer to her and a breath in her ear.

“Thank you”

Then she heard the footsteps go away and the bed’s furs shift.

Lexa adjusted herself in the chair and smiled.

 

 

 

**Day 12, sunny morning**

 

 

Lexa could now walk well enough for Clarke to agree to show her the surroundings.

Besides their quotidian baths, it was the first time Clarke was letting her go out. When Lexa exited the house, the sun was high and warm but it seemed the snow didn’t want to melt.

Lexa was following Clarke absently, looking around her, taking in everything she could. It had been a while since she had time to visit a place she hadn’t already known. The house, when you faced it, was split in three distinct parts. On the left, a room that Lexa knew was Lincoln and Octavia’s bedroom that had its own fireplace. On the right were the stables that were quite big actually and opening to a large field.

“Bran and Lissa told me that stables are usually attached to the main house so that the heat produced by the animals can warm the house” Clarke was smiling and looked so content with her knowledge Lexa decided she wouldn’t pinpoint that she already knew that. “Come on I’ll show you where I found you”

Clarke led her on an uneven path, meandering between large, tall pines. The blonde wasn’t saying anything but the glances she was throwing at Lexa every three steps were a clear expression of her worry. Lexa held back a smirk. She wasn’t made of sugar, her legs were fine now. Clarke was just overly worried, that, at least, hadn’t changed these past two years.

After a minute or two, Lexa asked “How did you find me ?”

“It was a pure coincidence actually. I had come to wash some clothes in the current of the river when I saw a body. Your armour was in pieces and your back was bleeding like crazy. I thought you were dead. Well, not you, YOU because you were face on the ground. When I realised it was you I panicked. First because I knew you and-” Clarke paused then cleared her throat “Second, because a dead commander is always a bad omen right ?”

Lexa released a humourless snort “A bad omen indeed” Silence fell again, heavier.

A minute or two later, they reached the edge of the forest and the bank of the river.

“Here. Found you just here” Clarke pointed a spot on the stony ground. “The current is weaker here, and the river takes a turn downstream. That’s probably why the water left you there of all places”

“Why did you save me Clarke ?”  The blonde turned back to look at Lexa:

The brunette could see in the other girl’s eyes, could feel that the girl had something to say. There was a reason. Something. The blonde then focused her gaze on the ground, lost in thoughts.

After a long silence Clarke finally said “I want you to figure it out on your own” She stiffly passed by Lexa and added curtly “It’s almost time for lunch. Let’s go home”

Clarke stayed shut down until they reached the house.

 

 

 

**Day 20, cloudy afternoon**

 

 

Lexa was now able to move both of her arms freely and without pain but the blonde insisted that she kept the braces and bandages on for at least ten more days. Ten more days of inactivity. She wanted to help, to do something, to hunt, clean the stables, something. But Clarke yelled. And Lexa didn’t like it when Clarke was yelling. When someone was yelling in general in fact. When one raises their voice it was to cover the other’s. That usually meant that the person wasn’t receptive and couldn’t hear reason. The best solution Lexa had found was to just drop it and talk with the person at another time.

So the brunette was just sitting there, on the cold stony river bank, at the exact same place Clarke had found her three weeks ago. And she was bored. But then she heard footsteps. The person stopped right behind her.

“I’m sorry Lexa”

She thought ‘Like always’. She said “Apologies accepted” nodding slowly. The blonde sat next to her and they spent a few moment just looking at the river that almost killed Lexa not so long ago. Then the brunette finally asked “How old is Octavia ?”

Clarke looked at the girl next to her with a puzzled expression “19, Why ?”

“And she can bear children ?”

Both of the blonde’s eyebrows rose “What do you mean she can bear children ?”

“Selina is her daughter. So she is fertile”

Clarke looked more and more confused “Yes, of course she is. As much as us”

It was Lexa’s turn to be surprised “You too are fertile ?”

The blonde made a face “Could you stop using that word please ? That feels weird. And yes I am. Not you ?”

“No”

Clarke frowned “Wait, how old are you ?”

“24. I haven’t bled yet” The other girl made a face again and Lexa wondered what in her words bothered her.

“That’s not normal. Women start… ‘bleeding’ around 13”

“Maybe it was normal on your ark but here women are sterile until the age of 25”

Clarke’s eyes opened wide in shock “Damn, that’s late !”

“And we become sterile again after the age of 40”

“Means it leaves you only 15 years to have children !? This is short !”

“Yes. Which is why it is hard for a clan to rebuild after an epidemic. Especially if young ones are taken”

“I can imagine… So the radiations DO affects you in the end huh ? Or maybe you just evolved ? Since you have to fight to survive, children would just be a weight for young and old women. Now I can see why you being a woman is not a problem, why you can treat both sexes equally”

Lexa was lost “What exactly is radiations ? And what do you call evolution ?”

 

That’s how Lexa’s quotidian two hours of science, history, and cultural lesson started.

 

 

 

**Day 35, early morning.**

 

 

“Lexa, where are you going ?” asked Clarke, standing from the bed rubbing her eyes.

The sleepy face elicited a small smile from the brunette and she answered “Somewhere. Don’t follow me”

Fear then seized the tired features and the blonde warned in a worried menacing tone “Lexa…”

“I will come back. I will not go far” but the blonde was still suspicious so Lexa added “I promise”.

Clarke released a sigh and returned to bed.

Lexa exited the house and directly went to the tools/weapons cabin. She retrieved an axe, a sword, a knife and gloves. She went to the stables then and picked Daisy, a small, strong and thickset female donkey. Lexa couldn’t admit it publicly but she had a soft spot for the animal. She had her moods and could be a real ‘bitch’ (like Octavia would say) but Lexa liked her. She took daisy out of the stables and hitched her with a small wagon. She put her tools in it and led the beast into the woods. After a 30 minute walk, she stopped in a clearing. A few big pieces of wood were scattered all around. She started chopping and assembling then chopping again. It took her the whole morning to achieve her goal. She had built the perfect bed. Well right now it was just four pieces of woods joined together but it was a good start. She disassembled it and helped by Daisy, she carried it to a hidden Cave. In it, drying meat and pelts.

Yes she had disobeyed Clarke’s orders. Yes she had killed a deer and eviscerated it despite her braced and bandaged broken arms. And yes her back and ribs and arms had made her pay for that but whatever, it was worth it. The meat still needed some time to dry completely but the pelt was ready.

She put back together the collapsible bed and used her knife to cut some long strips of leather. Then she stretched the skin over the wooden support and carefully sewed it. Wooden slats were resistant and easy to make but uncomfortable. Supple deer skin was better.

When she was finished with the skin, she tried the newly made bed.

It was cosy and soft.

Proud of herself she disassembled if again and brought everything back to the house. As usual, nobody was home at this hour of the afternoon so Lexa hurried Daisy. She stopped her just in front of the door and discharged the poor animal. The bed pieces inside the house, Lexa put it back together and placed it against the fourth wall, the one perpendicular to hers.

Finished with the bed in itself, she hurried to put Daisy back in her stable, the tools and weapon in their cabin and she rushed to the attic (the hidden floor of the house, right under the roof). She retrieved a few small pelts and a huge bear fur. She brought it back inside the house. She took all the furs she was using until now onto the new bed and settled the fur and pelts on the other bed.

Lexa smiled at herself. She had been preparing this since the moment she had left her bed to Clarke. Of course the blonde took it one time but insisted on sleeping back on the chair the next day. But Lexa could be intimidating even with two broken arms. In the end Clarke agreed on rotate. One night she’d have the bed, and one night it would be Lexa. But now, both had their own bed and Clarke wouldn’t rub her neck and stretch tiredly every two mornings

Content, she fuelled the fire and sat on the rocking chair, waiting. But she got bored quickly. Doing nothing was not in her nature. So she stood and ran outside. She collected small rocks and went back in the house. With the rocks she wrote ‘for Clarke, thank you’ in trigedasleng on the new bed’s covers.

She smiled again. Then she decided Daisy deserved a good grooming session so she went to the stables.

She wouldn’t admit it but she was impatient to see the blonde’s reaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always, thank you for reading and tell me what you think :3


	7. The second month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual :  
> "english"  
> *trigedasleng*
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy !

**Day 40, Winter, sunny early morning.**

 

 

“What are you doing Lexa ?”

The brunette was starting to wonder if Clarke was really trying to watch her every move like she would do for a child.

“Training. I spent almost a month in a bed, my muscles are weak and I cannot move my body like I want. So I am training” She answered never stopping her movements.

“But your ribs aren’t healed yet and your arms are still weak. And the wound on your back can still reopen” the blonde said with a half accusatory, half worried tone.

Lexa sighed and interrupted her stance training and stretching. She walked closer to the blonde and answered calmly, slowly “Clarke it is not in my nature to stay still. I spent my whole life moving. I just cannot stop. I do not want to worry you. But I HAVE to do this”

Clarke’s response sounded like a plea “No you don’t. Not so soon”

Lexa stepped closer and the girl in front of her averted her eyes “Yes I do. For a month I did not have the full control of my own body. I want this back. I was forced to throw my pride away. I want it back”

Focusing her gaze on the ground behind Lexa, Clarke took a step back “I know. I know that. And I understand. I just don’t want you to hurt yourself”

Lexa released a short laugh and the blonde looked back at her “I am not a child, nor an old woman or any other fragile animal you can think about Clarke. You worry too much. You always do. Even two years ago”

Clarke huffed “Fine, but if you get hurt, don’t call me. I won’t come and save your ass”

Lexa offered her a smile and resumed her training. From the corner of her eye, she saw Clarke sit down, watching her “You should go back to sleep”

“Only if you come with me”

Lexa fought the urge to roll her eyes “Then you will stay awake”

“Then I will stay awake” Clarke repeated as a statement, subtext being ‘Because of you’. But Lexa’s determination was stronger than the blonde’s little game.

After what felt like ten minutes, Lexa heard a sneeze, rolled her eyes and gave up. For now.

 

 

 

**Day 45, winter, snowy afternoon**

 

 

Lexa was freeing the horses’ field from the snow with Lincoln when the man spoke * _How do you feel ?*_

Lexa answered honestly * _Free_ *

* _It reminds me of our childhood. At your parent’s farm_ *

Lexa recognized Lincoln’s light tone and decided she could afford this conversation, now that her duty was gone * _Yes. They were raising sheep though and our clothes were made of wool_ *

The big man released an amused huff * _The clothes your mother was knitting were warmer than those in leather we are currently wearing, but they were itching_ *

The girl laughed openly * _That is true. Remember that time you scratched your arm so much my dad had to rub your whole torso and arms with an appeasing oil ?*_

* _Yes. And I still have a mark. Here_ * Lincoln turned to Lexa, uncovering his wrist, showing a small, old white scar.

Lexa’s eyes opened wide and she laughed * _Spirits, that is true !*_ A comfortable silence fell. After a few minutes, words escaped the girl’s lips, almost uncontrollably * _I still miss them_ *

Lincoln stopped moving his shovel * _Me too. Your mother was a saint and your father was a strong man. I will never forget what they did for me_ * he resumed his action * _They left this world too soon_ *

Lexa nodded and silence fell again. Nostalgic. Lincoln had lost his parents at the age of nine. Lexa’s father was friend with the Lincoln’s so the brunette’s family took him in. Two years later, Lexa’s village was being burnt to ashes by a group of bandits. They wanted Lexa. Her father fought of course. And died. They killed her mother and raped her body in front of the two eleven year old children. A bunch of warriors that were passing by had killed the bandits before they could touch the kids but the village had burnt and all the villagers were dead. Lexa could still remember Anya’s voice when the young woman had asked them if they wanted to come to the capitol with her. Of course they had agreed. Then started their training as warriors, Lexa being Anya’s second and Lincoln, Indra’s. Five years later, Lexa had become Heda.

The girl knew Lincoln since forever and she considered him as a member of her family. That is why she could sense something was wrong * _I can see a sorrow in your eyes I do not recognize my friend. Why ?_ * she finally asked.

Lincoln took a deep breath * _Octavia and I had a hard year. When we left the skaikru camp a few months after Clarke, I had hoped that an old friend of mine could help us. But you had banished me. We couldn’t go anywhere. Then Octavia got pregnant. I was as surprised as her_ * At that Lexa just nodded, with what Clarke had told her, she could perfectly understand her friend’s surprise * _Then things happened and we finally arrived here. Clarke saved Octavia. She saved me. She saved you. She doesn’t realise how important that is_ *

* _She still blames herself_ * The blonde might have changed but Lexa knew war couldn’t leave. It never disappeared. * _Your daughter is beautiful_ *

The big man finally smiled * _Yes. I’m proud. It wasn’t easy at first but thanks to Clarke, Octavia is healing_ *

Now that Lexa thought about it, she had seen Clarke and Lincoln play with Selina a lot. But the only moments the mother was spending with her daughter were for meals and an hour a day during which everyone was leaving the two alone together. She had already questioned Clarke about that but she hadn’t want to say anything *W _ill you tell me what happened ?*_ she asked, raising her head from her work to look at him.

* _No*_ He shook his head * _It is not my place to do so_ * he thought * _But it could be a good thing for her to talk to you actually_ *

* _Do not force her. She hates me_ *

* _She doesn’t. She’s just… haunted. You might be good for her. I’ll send her to you one day_ *

Lexa nodded and her shovel hit the snow again. After a long silence, something unexpected happened. Lexa felt a cold, wet thing hit her hard on the back of her head. She turned to Lincoln, her grin growing slowly. She raised a defying eyebrow * _Do you really want to play at that my friend ? You think you can beat me ?*_

Lincoln smirked, another snowball in his hand * _Time passed. I’m taller and stronger now_ *

Lexa straightened her back and puffed her chest, full of insurance * _But I am quicker_ * she waited a few seconds and added with a smirk * _And smarter_ *. He threw his ball at her and she dodged.

Half an hour later, they went home drenched and refrigerated.

Of course Clarke and Octavia were mad.

 

 

**Day 52, winter, stormy afternoon**

 

 

The weather outside was so bad, they couldn’t go out. Clarke wasn’t showing it but Lexa knew she was worried. Octavia and Lincoln weren’t coming back from their hunt.

The blonde was in her rocking chair with Selina on her lap, playing with her. It was crazy how much the little girl looked like Octavia even if her smile was Lincoln’s. Lexa, sitting in her bed, was watching the scene in front of her in pure delight. The blonde seemed so happy, so light. She looked so good with a kid on her lap… She already had the behaviour of a mother in her daily life so of course figuring her with actual children wasn’t that hard, but with Selina in her arms it looked like art for Lexa. It was like Clarke had been made for that, was in her place. Until she realised that if Clarke had children one day, she would need a man. The brunette tried really hard to chase away the disgusting images that filled her mind at the idea of Clarke doing… _things_ with a man.

“You want to hold her, Lexa ?”

Clarke’s demand brutally dragged Lexa out of her thoughts. She shook her head.

“Why ?”

“Octavia would not appreciate”

Lexa, for a moment, thought that Clarke would argue, but surprisingly, she dropped it. The small girl yawned and the blonde leaned her against her chest, rocking the chair slightly. After a minute she started humming that same lullaby again and Lexa asked “What is this ?” Clarke cocked her head to the side and Lexa added “The song”

“Oh. It’s a song from the old world. My mom used to sing it for me sometimes”

“What is it called ?”

“The palm of a tiny hand”

Lexa wasn’t surprised the song had been made for children. It was so sweet and calm “Are there Lyrics ?”

Clarke shrugged “Yes. But I forgot”

“Could you hum it again ?”

“Sure”

Clarke started humming and Lexa closed her eyes. She loved the girl’s voice. Low, a little husky and so, SO soothing. She could sit and listen to this all day. That’s probably why those words slipped from her mouth and surprised even herself * _I love your voice_ *

Clarke shut up and Lexa opened her eyes, surprised by the sudden silence. The blonde quickly averted her eyes and said embarrassed “That’s because you never heard my mom sing. She’s better at it than I am”

Lexa smiled * _Still. It does not change the fact that I love it_ * Clarke stiffly adjusted her position and Selina’s, asleep in her lap. The brunette asked * _Again ? Please ?*_

The blonde cleared her voice and hummed.

Clarke’s cheeks seemed redder than usual. Maybe it was the fire’s fault.

 

 

**Day 60, afternoon.**

 

 

Lexa was fishing. She was on the river’s bank, waiting for a fish to gently bite her hook so that she could finally go home. She had seven already. This one was supposed to be the last. After ten, cold, long minutes, Lexa finally caught a fish. Proud and happy, she opened her basket to put her freshly fished fish in it. But then her eyes widened. She closed them shaking her head before giving the basket a second surprised look.

Six fishes. They were six. They were supposed to be seven but they were six.

Lexa frowned. She had known how to count to ten for more than twenty year, so why ? She shrugged finally. The blonde had been agitated a lot at night these times and Lexa hadn’t had a real, full, good night sleep in a week or so. She was tired that’s all. She growled though. She still had a fish to catch.

She resumed her previous activity and this time she caught a fish after five minutes. Content, she returned to her basket opened it and…

Six. They were six. AGAIN.

She couldn’t believe it. This time for sure it wasn’t a count mistake. She wasn’t THAT tired.

Suspicious, she started fishing again. This time a fish bit the hook almost immediately and Lexa smiled. Smile that disappeared immediately when her eyes fell on her basket. And... A raccoon. The animal had both of its hands in the basket. Time froze. Lexa was looking incredulously into the beast’s eyes. Then the thing slowly, really slowly, took its hands out of the basket, taking a fish out of it at the same time, never turning its gaze from Lexa. The girl, understanding everything, gave the animal her best ‘don’t you dare !’ look. But suddenly the raccoon hugged the fish tightly in its arms and ran away on its legs. Lexa following it, it took the fish in its mouth and climbed in a tree. Lexa, swearing, and promising to turn the poor thing into new gloves, climbed in the tree behind it. Unfortunately, the branch Lexa grabbed broke and she fell on the ground. The animal stared at her from above.

Lexa was preparing to climb again when she heard Clarke call her name.

She glared at the somewhat mocking thing in the tree one last time, saying * _May we never meet again or I will have your fur on my bed and your meat drying in my cave before you have time to realise what happened to you !*_

 

Two days later, Lexa was over with her duties (cleaning a house was not so complicated, why did people always guessed she wouldn’t be able to do it ?) so she thought it could be fun to surprise the blonde, fishing at the river.

Clarke was supposed to be the one surprised but Lexa was the one aback. In front of her, a few feet away, was Clarke, sitting on the stony bank. Clarke, sitting on the stony bank and giving fish to a raccoon.

* _The thief ! Step back Clarke, I will kill it !*_ she hissed, full of anger.

“No you can’t.” Clarke stood and the intelligent animal hid behind her.

Lexa stepped into Clarke’s personal space, their faces inches from one another * _Yes. I can.*_ She over articulated, her fists clenching and jaw tensing.

Clarke straightened her back and spoke calmly but firmly “But you won’t.”

“This !” she pointed to the living gloves behind Clarke “It-“

“She.”

The brunette frowned in incomprehension “She ?”

“IT is a SHE”

Lexa shook her head. Clarke had just CUT HER to correct a pronoun mistake ? Wait it wasn’t even a mistake ! Unbelievable. “Clarke, it- SHE stole my food !” she yelled.

“But she’s PREGNANT !” Clarke yelled back and Lexa couldn’t believe it.

* _How do you even know that_ !?”

“Because she’s my friend !”

“She’s your f- … your friend ?” Now Lexa was more intrigued than angry and was starting to question the blonde’s sanity.

Clarke sighed and went to sit next to her ‘friend’ again “Yes my friend. I found her last year around here. Her leg was broken so I healed her and sometimes I give her food and she lets me pet her” The beast jumped on the now smiling blonde’s shoulder and licked her ear. Lexa was trying to push her jealousy away when she heard Clarke add in a laugh “No please, Commander, not there !”

Lexa’s eyes opened wide “But Clarke I didn’t-“

“Not you” the blonde laughed again “The raccoon.”

Confusion replaced jealousy for a moment “But you said-“

“Commander, Yes. That’s her name.”

Lexa couldn’t believe it. Why did Clarke, CLARKE, called a vulgar raccoon Commander !? “Why would you call it that ?” She asked as politely as she could.

Clarke sighed. “Come on. Sit.” she patted a spot on the ground next to her. Lexa did as said and the beast took some distance. Good.

“I called her like that thinking about you”

Now Lexa was truly offended “How ? Why ? This thing is a thief ! I have never stole a thing in my entire life Clarke !”

“Will you please calm down !?” The blonde yelled and Lexa instinctively bowed her head a little. Clarke sighed again but then smiled “She’s nice when you know her. You should give her a chance” Lexa cursed between greeted teeth “Lexa…” the blonde said in a menacing tone.

* _Fine.*_

“Good” Clarke nodded, extended a hand to the ‘Commander’ and smiled when it licked her fingers.

“But I still do not know why you called it-“

“Her”

Lexa rolled her eyes “Why you called HER, Commander”

Clarke smirked. “Really ? Seriously ?” Lexa nodded. “Ok don’t move and close your eyes”. The brunette crossed her legs and did as said, confused and still a little upset. A minute later she felt a cold sticky thing being spread on her closed eyes and cheekbones. When she opened her eyes again, Clarke had squat in front of her “So ? See why now ?”

Lexa frowned then it hit her. At the realisation, her frown disappeared to be replaced by a small smile and a glance at the beast “Yes.”

A mischievous grin spread on the blonde’s face and she bit her lip. “Stay like that for a minute” She took a small fish in her hand and pointed the ground next to Lexa “Commander, come here girl !” she said in a soft, happy voice and Lexa had never been so confused in her entire life. Clarke was saying her title without talking about her. Weird. Slowly, carefully, the raccoon did as said and sat a few feet away from Lexa. “Good girl” Clarke gave her treat to Commander “Now don’t move.” Once again the animal obeyed and Clarke took a few steps back. Lexa raised an eyebrow and the blonde burst out laughing, lying on the ground, her arms around her sides. Between two giggles she managed to say “I… I can’t… That’s… That’s way TOO accurate !” and she laughed again. At some point she calmed down but when Commander and Lexa looked at each other at the same time she started laughing and giggling again.

Lexa was confused. She didn’t see what in the current situation could amuse the blonde so much but she didn’t really care. Clarke was laughing (like a mentally ill person but still) and she liked that. She smiled genuinely at the giggling thing in front of her but turned her head on the side when she felt something tugging at her sleeve. Commander licked its nose then tugged at Lexa’s top with its little hand again.

Lexa raised an amused eyebrow.

 

Years later she eventually admitted that she thought the beast was kind of cute and that she had spent hours playing with her in Clarke’s back.

 


	8. The third month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys so first the song I talked about in the precedent chapter was Chiisana te no hira de from Clannad (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0ZYV4v0XIc) 
> 
> and second, this chapter is kind of filler but I enjoyed writing it so here it is :3

**Day 66, At night**

 

 

Ten. Ten nights in a row. That night too, Clarke’s sleep was agitated. As what was becoming usual, Lexa stood, went to the blonde’s bed, sat on the edge and slowly rubbed her back.

“It’s ok. You’re safe Clarke”

Honestly, the blonde had been having nightmares almost every night since Lexa had arrived. But it hadn’t been THAT bad. These past ten nights, Lexa had had to wake up and try to appease the blonde. Her longest crisis, two nights ago, lasted half an hour. Half an hour of wild movements, jaw tensing, eyes watering, trembling, moaning Lexa’s name and, most of all, half an hour of fear and sadness, both painted on the girl’s face. Half an hour of torture for Lexa. Torture because she knew these dreams. These nightmares. Those images looking so much like memories, sounding so much like an awful reality. Lexa knew the malediction, the constant feeling of cold hands gripping her ankles and wrists, the screams echoing in the silent night even with nothing around, and those eyes following her everywhere. She knew the white faces, the warm red on her skin, and the cries of her heart every time she had had to torn through it.

“Lexa ?”

The brunette quickly wiped her eyes and looked at Clarke, a small smile on her lips. “It was just a dream” The blonde was sweating and panting, her heart obviously still beating way too fast “I’m here. You’re safe” she added softly.

Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hand on her chest, closed her eyes and took a deep breath “Say it again”

Lexa’s smile became even softer and her voice more soothing “You’re safe”

“Not that part”

Lexa bent down, resting her forehead on the blonde’s. Then in a soundless voice, a simple breath she added “I’m here Clarke”

A shaky breath escaped Clarke’s lips. “Again”

“Clarke. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Calm down, _please_ ” she had said those words in the most calm and soothing way possible but the ‘please’ sounded desperate despite Lexa’s efforts to hide her worry.

“Stay”

Lexa nodded against Clarke’s forehead “Yes. I’m staying here Clarke”

“Ok”

Slowly the blonde calmed down and when her breath finally became even, Lexa pulled back.

Clarke asleep, the brunette returned to her bed, wishing with her whole being she could take away those nightmares instead of somehow triggering them.

 

 

 

**Day 75, early snowy morning**

 

“Clarke ?”

“Sorry did I wake you up ?”

Lexa cracking an eye open noticed the blonde sitting at the table, and answered tiredly “You did”

Clarke, guilty said “Shit Lexa I’m sorry, I… I’ll just go out-“ while gesticulating nervously.

Lexa cut her “It’s ok. Just… what were you doing ?” She sat in her bed, rubbing her eyes.

“I was reading”

“Out loud ?”

“…Yes”

Lexa frowned “Why ?”

Embarrassed, the blonde answered, embarrassed “I’m training… I want to be able to read stories to Selina correctly so, Yeah. I’m… training”

With a small nod Lexa said “Go ahead. Read out loud. Let me hear.”

So Clarke read “There was once on a time a man who was about to set out on a long journey, and on parting he asked his three daughters what he should bring back with him for them.”

Lexa stopped her “Here. You should say it like that” Her voice soften and she spoke slowly, accentuating some syllables, adding punctuation and variations. It was only a single sentence but it was the first one, the ‘once upon a time’ was the opening to the story’s world. It HAD to be captivating. That’s what Lexa’s mother used to say. “You’re talking to children. You have to exaggerate everything. Go on, and do as I showed you”

Clarke imitated Lexa as good as she could. The brunette nodded. Clarke just needed to have some faith in herself. It was true though that all she had been doing since she came on earth was improvising. It was normal for her to feel unsure sometimes. What Lexa couldn’t understand was why this insecurity was showing itself for something so trivial and simple. It was kind of lovely but as much as Lexa liked this side of Clarke, what she wanted the most was the blonde to achieve her goals. So of course she would help her (not that she thought she was particularly good of course).

“Whereupon the eldest wished for pearls, the second wished for diamonds, but the third said, "Dear father, I should like a singing, soaring lark." The father said, "Yes, if I can get it, you shall have it," kissed all three and set out”

“No, not like that. The two first daughters are greedy and selfish but the third, obviously the father’s favourite have to be caring and soft. The father have to answer this innocence and love from her by his own. Try again, try to take their place and think every word coming out of your mouth”

Lexa demonstrated and Clarke watched her in awe. Lexa was good. Like she was born for acting. Once again, Clarke copied her. They spent their morning repeating the text and acting.

 

The same day in the evening, alone in the house, Lexa grabbed the book they had been using in the morning and read. “My. Dear.est. Chi.ld” The brunette was pointing with her finger and stuttering on every word. It was so frustrating. She knew she could memorize the longest stories but was incapable of reading. She had never really had the time to practice though. Of all the people she knew Anya was the only one that could read correctly, and that, on top of it, enjoyed it. But Anya was dead. And Lexa had had to prepare a war.

“You can’t read English ?”

Clarke had just entered the house covered in snow and Lexa blushed slightly “I can. I am just slow”

“I can teach you.”

“I do not need to.”

“But you want to.”

Lexa just nodded shyly. Clarke removed her coat and sat on the bed next to her. The blonde started to explain how this or that word were working but Lexa was distracted. Clarke was leaned on the brunette’s side putting her weight on her in a way making it impossible for Lexa to pay attention to a single word the girl was saying nor the book on her lap. All she could see was Clarke’s face close to hers, the movement of her lips and the way they were curling every time she looked up at her.

Lexa licked her lips nervously “In Polis” Clarke shut and blue met green. The blonde cocked her head to the side and Lexa swallowed thickly “There’s a big building from the old world, filled up with books. I… I could take you there. One day.”

Clarke’s smile disappeared and she leaned her back on the wall, starring at the ceiling “You already asked me to come with you one time, remember ?” Clarke’s tone was distant but not angry nor bitter, it sounded more like a fact. A fact that pierced Lexa’s heart like a shot of her most talented bowman.

“I did. And I meant it”

Clarke looked back into Lexa’s eyes and said honestly “I know you did. That is precisely why it took me time to understand your decision. But I did eventually” Lexa said nothing, just averted her eyes. After a few moments, Clarke finally asked “Say, you keep the promise you make right ?”

This time green met blue “Yes. If I can, I do.”

“Then promise me you’ll take me. That you’ll show me Polis and those books”

Lexa thought for a moment. Future. She hadn’t thought about it in a while. The ice queen was probably dominating all the region by now. It would be almost impossible for them to reach Polis’ library safely. But what if they could ? What if one day they could ?

“One day. One day I’ll take you there”

“You promise ?” asked, her tone tainted with uncertainty.

Lexa took a deep breath. Out of her mouth, her promises were absolute “Yes”

 

 

 

**Day 85, warm afternoon**

 

 

Clarke, possessed ten horses. There was the eldest, a 21 year old female named Pearl. She was the sweetest horse Lexa had ever seen. She was rather small but beautiful and white as the snow. The second eldest, King, was 19. The old roan stallion was calm and docile but still had the upper hand on his fellow male comrades.  The second eldest male was Squirrel a solitary chestnut 15 year old (Lincoln’s favourite). The third one was an energetic bay 8 year old. There were two 14 year old twin sisters, Marguerite and Dandelion, both black pinto. There was Onyx, 10 year old, pitch black and pretentious (she was beautiful and she knew it). Next to her, her young foal of almost two month now, grey as a cloudy sky so of course Clarke had named her Rain. There was also Octavia’s 9 year old mare, well named Grumpy because of her moody personality.

And there was Silver, Clarke’s mare. Roan but almost blue. Her mane and legs were so dark they seemed black. According to Clarke the 7 year old horse was calm and nice but stubborn and a real glutton. She also had a tendency to kick pretty much everyone she didn’t like. Clarke was allowed to approach her obviously but it was in Lincoln and Octavia’s best interest not to walk behind her or approach her too much (Lincoln had tried one day. He still regretted it).

Finally there was Lexa’s horse. Or at least the one she had chosen the very first day Clarke had shown her the ‘new members of her family’. The brunette had spent hours just watching at the animal. Tall, muscular, build for war ; dark bay with a black mane and grey eyes, she was perfect. Well, almost. She had a big quality : nothing could scare her. And she had a huge defect : nothing could scare her. Indeed what could be an advantage on a battlefield, was a risky bet in the wild. Clarke saw the horse fight a bear. A real, bear. A small one but still (of course Lexa had loved her even more after the blonde had told her about this episode). The mare was so wild and aggressive the bear fled. That was actually the only reason the breeders had kept her. The only reason yes, because the beast had another weak point : she had a bad personality. She was so inapproachable that even Clarke, ‘the friend of animals’ couldn’t touch her. The result ? A dirty coat and a terrible matted mane.

But today it would change. Today Clarke had authorized Lexa to try to approach the horse everyone was affectionately calling ‘the beast’.

Lexa was good with horses. That’s why when she entered the field she was confident.

“She’ll kick you out” warned Clarke.

“She won’t. I’ve seen worse than this one” answered the brunette, her back to the blonde sitting on the wooden barrier.

“You really want her do you ?”

Lexa smirked. “She is the most beautiful and bravest horse I’ve ever seen” Of course she wanted her.

Clarke sighed “Beautiful, indeed. But I wouldn’t have said brave. Wild, savage, reckless, even mean but not brave”

Lexa was walking straight in the horse’s direction that had now raised her head to look at her. Then she stopped and turned to Clarke “I bet she will let me cut her mane today”

Clarke raised an eyebrow, a small smiling “My, my… If I didn’t know you, I would swear you like competition !”

Lexa fought the urge to roll her eyes. But she felt good today, almost playful so she said “You are just afraid to bet against me”

The blonde’s jaw dropped slightly and she grinned “Ok, I bet you won’t be able to touch her”

Lexa put her fists on her hips and puffed her chest “What will you give me if I win ?”

“Whatever you want”

“Fine. Prepare yourself then, because I never lose a bet”

“Less talking, more proving horse master !”

Lexa turned back to the animal and started walking again. The mare lowered her ears and snorting loudly. Lexa slowed down but didn’t stop. The animal moved to face the girl and reiterated her warning but once again Lexa didn’t stop. The horse, now agitated, was stomping and shaking her head, decided to scare Lexa. The girl stopped and crossed her arms.

The horse was exactly how the brunette thought she would be. She had spent enough time watching her to know the animal was proud and territorial. Lexa had voluntarily stepped into her personal space. Only 13 feet were separating the two. Any other horse would have ran away by now. But the beast was stubborn and Lexa was openly defying her. The girl had spent her entire life showing people she was the strongest. She’d just have to do the same thing with this horse.

So she stepped closer. The mare was pacing nervously, neighing and snorting and prancing, kicking in the air. Lexa took another step and the horse ran into the opposite direction. She stopped then charged on the brunette like a bull in fury.

Lexa heard the terrified ‘MOVE !’ of Clarke but stayed still, amazed. She had never seen a horse do that. The beast stopped inches from her. The brunette could feel her strong and hurried loud breath on her chest. Lexa was standing straight, her chin raised, looking right into the blue eyes of the beast. Everything stilled, the only sound being the mare’s breathing. Then slowly Lexa raised a hand. A few seconds later, she was touching the nose of the animal. After a few strokes though the mare stepped back and ran to the other side of the field and Lexa turned back, a smirk plastered on her face.

Clarke’s jaw was hanging open. Lexa raised an eyebrow and said with a toothy grin “So ? Who owes me now ?” She jumped the barrier, passing by Clarke.

“Wait, it doesn’t count, you said you’d cut her mane”

Lexa snorted. Challenge accepted.

 

No need to say that by the end of the day, the mare, now called Feisripa, 'the tiger', had gotten a new haircut.


	9. The fourth month

**Day 94, Midday**

 

 

* _The snow finally started to melt_ *

* _Yes. Days are warmer_ *

Lincoln smiled * _I don’t know about yours but mine warmed up a while ago_ *

Lexa thought and smiled back * _You’re right_ *

* _I think it actually is the best summer of my life_ *

Lexa snorted humourlessly * _I feel like it’s my first in years_ *

Sorrow crossed Lincoln’s features * _Costia was all fire and warmth_ *

* _She really was_ * a nostalgic silence fell but then Lexa added lightly * _Do you think they could’ve been friends ?*_

* _What ?  You mean with Clarke ?*_ he scoffed.

* _Yes_ *

The man laughed and said * _I think they would’ve tried to kill each other_ *

Lexa frowned * _Why ? Clarke wouldn’t hurt someone innocent and Costia was not a violent person_ *

* _Maybe_ * with a mischievous smile he pursued * _But Costia was as competitive as Clarke_ *

*… _And ?*_

Lincoln shook his head * _How can you be so wise and oblivious at the same time…*_

Lexa stood straighter on her horse, her brows knit in irritation, offended * _Lincoln, what does that m_ -*

A scream echoed in the forest.

Lexa kicked her horse and yelled * _It was Clarke !*_ The man rushed behind her _*Lincoln, what if it’s the nation !?_ * she asked panicked.

* _Lexa, it can be nothing calm down !*_

But it wasn’t nothing. When they arrived they found Clarke restraining a crying and screaming Octavia on the ground in front of the house.

“Clarke ! What happened !?” But Lexa saw the crushed door and heard the baby cries and the roar and before Clarke could answer Lexa had rushed to the tool’s cabin.

Back with a sword she yelled “Lincoln ! Keep Octavia outside !” and she stormed into the house ignoring Clarke’s desperate calls.

The bear was a huge. At Lexa’s appearance, it stood on its legs to tower her and damaged the ceiling. Frightened, in a single move of its arm it sent the table on a wall. The sound of the wood crashing on the wall startled the animal and Lexa tried to pass by it. The beast noticed and in a roar, it threw a paw at Lexa but she dodged it and reached the cradle.

*Shhh baby shhh* She said taking the little girl in her arms but Selina cried harder.

The bear turned to Lexa. It didn’t have much place to move which could have been a good advantage if Lexa wasn’t handicapped too. Screw the bear. She would try to take Selina out first. But the beast was standing just in front of the door and the windows were too small for her to pass. She’d have to at least distract it, and in the worst case scenario, fight. She adjusted Selina’s position so that she could hold her with just her left arm, and raised the armed one in the bear’s direction. The beast roared, stood on its legs again then hit the ground with its forelimb and roared again in intimidation. Lexa had already killed hundreds of men but a bear was an entirely different problem. She could read a warriors next move but a beast was unpredictable. Especially a male in rut, looking for food after its hibernation.

Everything went fast then. The beast finally charged. Lexa dodged the fangs and managed to cut deeply into its arm. It roared again, louder. With fury he threw its valid paw at Lexa faster than she had anticipated, sending her sword fly in the air, badly scratching the girl’s face. Lexa’s back hit the wall, cutting her breathing rhythm. She paused a moment, panting and dizzy. Blood was burning her eyes and she blinked as fast as she could to clear her view, fortunately quickly enough to see the beast attack again with a renewed vigour and aggressiveness. Miraculously, she dodged and slid on the now bloody ground to reach her sword in the centre of the room. She was still on the ground when the bear threw itself at her.

For the last time.

Lexa, more out of reflex than real reflection, sliced.

A strangled last roar escaped the beast.

She rolled on her side and raised on four legs to protect Selina.

Protect her from the blood shower and the dead, heavy body.

The last thing she registered before blacking out was pushing Selina from under her as far as she could in front of her before collapsing under the dead weight.

 

 

 

**Day 99, early evening**

 

 

“Lexa, hey…”

The brunette turned to look at Octavia from the wooden bench she had built on the river bank a week ago. The young woman had her giggling daughter in her arms.

“Can I um… Can I sit ?” she asked timidly. Lexa just nodded. “Thanks” Octavia sat stiffly, resting Selina on her lap.

Silence fell between the two. A heavy one. The other girl had a story to tell. One that needed to be said and Lexa knew it.

*I am listening, Oktevia from trikru. Speak freely*

Octavia took a deep breath “A year and half ago. When I discovered I was pregnant I… I freaked out” She swallowed thickly “And I…” then exhaled a shaky breath.” I grabbed the first knife I found… And almost stabbed myself.”

Lexa turned to look at her. She was starting to understand where this was going. She knew by experience (she had seen it happen so many times) that this almost animalistic behaviour could break someone.

“I… I had nothing. We had left camp Jaha a month ago and were living of hunting. We didn’t even have a tent…” Octavia’s shoulders started shaking and her hold on Selina tightened “So I thought… I just…” She paused to breath and hold her tears “Lincoln stopped me just in time and I felt like I had just stabbed him… I had never seen him so sad, so hurt and *I* was the one that did that to him…” The last words had burnt her throat and freed the restrained tears.

When Lexa gently put a hand on the girl’s shoulder, the shaking lightened and the flow of tears slightly slowed down.

She took a few breaths and pursued “After that, we decided we would seriously search a place to settle down. Lincoln had friends in all the region but… you had banished him”

Lexa took her hand back “Octavia-“

“No don’t-“ the girl cut her “Don’t say anything” Lexa gave her a small, short nod and Octavia continued “So his ‘friends’ were always saying they couldn’t help us because they were afraid you’d have them killed for treason”

Yes. Lexa probably would have. Lincoln was her friend, almost her brother but she would’ve killed him. He and the ones that had helped him. Her authority, her role, her duty would’ve forced her to.

“Time passed and I… I was becoming sicker and sicker with each day passing. Everything seemed like a malediction. Lincoln was sad. His face was always so blank and depressed and so, SO sad… And it was all my fault.” Octavia had to pause again and Lexa thought. The young woman was strong. Indra had been right. “Finally I was going to… _give birth_ ” Octavia’s words were strangled. She bit her trembling bottom lip and rested her forehead on Selina’s head. The little girl, surprised, looked at her mother and Lexa was amazed. The small human being was not even one year old and she could already sense and feel emotions. Selina put both of her tiny hands on her mother’s cheeks, looking at her in pure incomprehension. Octavia wiped her eyes and placed a chaste kiss on her daughter’s forehead. She held her closer and the girl nuzzled her head in the crook of her mother’s neck, worry still painted on her tiny features.

“We were desperate” continued Octavia, eyes lost somewhere far, far away, in her haunting past. “We saw a house. We knocked at the door. And Clarke appeared” A small wet smile lightened the girl’s face. An instant later it was gone and replaced by an even darker gaze and a way too hard expression “The delivery was hard. I bled a lot. I was tired and the simple action of breathing was painful, I’m pretty sure I wished to die in that moment. But what was the most terrifying and painful was that I was going to give birth to a child with no future” Then something changed into Octavia. Her tears were running on her cheeks in a steady flow but her gaze was feral, cold and empty “Eventually I made it. I didn’t want to touch her, to see her even. Her cries were an unbearable suffering for me. I fell asleep wishing I would never open my eyes again” She paused, searching for words she knew was there but somehow couldn’t find. Inevitably she did “But I woke up. And after a week, when I finally held her for the first time when the others were outside, I realised how fragile this existence was. How easy it would be. Easy to just…” she paused. Her next words, silent, escaped her mouth in a breath, in sync with a single tear “get rid of it”

Lexa didn’t know what to do or what to say. All she could do was watch and listen. Watch a girl crumbling under a weight she shouldn’t be carrying. But. Unfortunately she was but she was doing it heroically, that, Lexa was sure of it.

*You could have but you didn’t*

Octavia snorted “I’m a monster. I seriously wished she was dead, I would’ve killed her myself”

*Yes but you didn’t. You faced your fears. You recognized and accepted your responsibilities. It is brave*

Lexa could tell because she knew. Knew the feeling of having the power of a god, the power to decide if one should live or die.

The flow of tears on the girls cheeks intensified again and her whole body convulsed “When… You know when I had my hand on her throat and that she… She started crying… I just realised-“ Octavia sobbed loudly, startling Selina “I realised she was alive and I… I did not killed her because it was bad but because I just could not” A crazy, humourless smile grew on her face “If she is alive today it is not because she… She is my daughter like it should be but just because SHE was innocent. I was the only one at fault !”

Selina gripped at her mother’s clothes tightly and started crying, feeling a pain she could not quite understand yet. It brought Octavia back to reality. She calmly rubbed Selina’s back and Lexa couldn’t tell which one the movement was supposed to sooth. The little girl calmed down quickly and Octavia’s breathing returned to an even pace.

“I thought I would have to deal with it my whole life. But Clarke. Clarke she… She managed to make me realise. Realise that the only weight I should bear was the weight of my responsibilities. Building a future to this girl, keeping her safe was my duty and what I should live for instead of blaming myself, wishing nothing ever happened, that she was there now and I couldn’t change that” Silence fell. Lexa was going to say something but Octavia cut her “Then you appeared. And…” She wiped her eyes and snorted “It was like magic, an easy way out. I blamed you. I blamed you for leaving us to die at the mountain. I blamed you for banishing Lincoln. I blamed you for being you, all proud and strong and fierce and merciless” She paused again, then looked at Lexa in the eyes for the first time “But I was wrong” Octavia stood, put Selina on Lexa’s lap and kneeled down in front of her. Her forehead on the ground she said “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Commander. Please forgive me Lexa, I was wrong” The girl was all sobs and thick tears when she added “Please forgive me, don’t kill me. She needs me. I am so, SO sorry Heda…”

Lexa swallowed back the wave compassion she felt for the girl deep inside and straightened her back. Octavia had offered the commander her apologies. The commander had to be the one to receive them so she said humbly *Stand, Oktevia. You have nothing to fear from me. Raise your head and be proud. Unless a lot of women, you realised how heavy a life could be. But instead of running away you faced it. You are brave, Oktevia from trikru. Your apologies and sincere feelings touched me. You are forgiven. Now stand*

Octavia stood but with difficulty, her knees weak “Thank you. Thank you.” She repeated it again and again, sobbing from time to time. Then she heard a giggle.

Finally, she came back to reality once again and calmed down. Lexa motioned to the spot she had been occupying a minute ago. She was preparing to give Selina back to Octavia but the girl shook her head.

“It seems she likes you” she said with a small smile. “She’s quicker than me. Reading into you I mean. It took me some time but finally, after you saved Selina, I understood. I questioned myself and understood how hard your everyday life had been until then. I also fully understood Clarke too and the connexion between you two. You both knew. The real value of life and how heavy it is. I’m a mother now and even with a life to protect I still… I can’t imagine how hard it must be to hold hundreds of lives in your hands” Lexa said nothing so Octavia added “That is why you, leaders are here right ? Bearing it for us. At war, the army might be your gun but because you’re the one pulling the trigger, you’re the only responsible, I understand that now and I admire you”

A few people could understand Lexa. Fewer were those that were not leaders themselves. She was touched. She looked directly into Octavia’s eyes and offered a small, genuine smile *Thank you*

It must have startled Octavia because she quickly averted her eyes and nervously scratched the back of her head “Now that I think about it, I haven’t said it yet” she turned back to Lexa and bowed “Thank you for saving my daughter”

“You are welcome”

“So… how’s your face ?” asked Octavia, her nervousness back.

Lexa smirked. “Hurts”

“I find it kinda cool like that” At Lexa’s knitted eyebrows Octavia added “No, I mean, you had a pretty face before and all” Lexa amused at the girl’s nervous behaviour raised a questioning eyebrow and Octavia stood, and talked, gesticulating “No but, Ugh … You see you had beautiful features but now.. No ! Wait ! I don’t mean you’re less beautiful now than before just tha-“

Lexa’s laugh cut the girl’s ridiculous speech. “I do not care about the marks on my face Octavia.” She paused “And you should breath”

Octavia released a breath she didn’t know she was holding “Oh… Ok. Ok good. Just…” She nervously scratched the back of her head, her eyes anywhere but in Lexa’s direction “You look cool”

Lexa smiled again And the girl stiffly sat back down next to her and a comfortable silence fell.

Lexa, was still recovering from her fight against the bear. Three deep cuts were crossing her face. On her forehead, a small one, not too profound but important enough to leave a mark. The deepest and largest one was extending from the arch of her right eyebrow to the bottom of her left cheek. Her right eye was miraculously safe but the cut on her nose and cheek was deep and would probably leave an ugly visible scar for sure. Finally the last cut, not as deep as the second one but probably as striking, was extending from the bottom of her right ear to her chin. Besides her face, two of her ribs got broken again and she had damaged her leg when she slid on the ground during the fight.

But it wasn’t the worst. Even after five days, Lexa couldn’t chase away the two fearful blue eyes that looked at her when she woke up under the dead bear. Two blue eyes that, and she was sure of it, were just echoing her own fear.

For the first time in years, Lexa had feared death.

The beating of the girl’s heart quickened slightly and a chill ran down her spine at the thought. She recovered quickly though and said, for Octavia as much as herself “Selina is alright and that is the only thing that counts”

But the little girl suddenly started crying then and Octavia laughed at Lexa’s confused expression.

“She’s hungry” the mother stood and took her daughter in her arms. The kid stopped crying, perfectly knowing her need would be satisfied in no time “I’m going home. You comin’ ?”

*I will join you later*

“Ok”

 

Lexa stayed on the bench until the sun had set, her mind boiling with thoughts and emotions.

 

 

 

**Day 112**

 

 

“You drew that ?” asked Lexa, pointing to the book on Clarke’s lap.

The blonde quickly closed the huge book and turned to Lexa “Heeeey… Lexa, Hi ! What are you doing here ?”

Clarke was obviously embarrassed and Lexa fought the urge to roll her eyes at the oh so childish behaviour. “I was looking for you. I’m finished with the stables and Octavia and Lincoln wanted a moment together so I came here”

“Oh” she just said. Then she frowned and added “Why are you always so silent by the way !? You literally scared the hell out of me !”

Lexa was still not used to sky people typical expressions but she knew this one and, let’s admit it, she felt a little proud. “I wanted to surprise you” but the brunette wouldn’t drop the interesting conversation so easily “What is this book ? I have never seen it before ? Is it new ?”

“Wow Lexa please, one question at time”

Lexa sat cross legged on the grass next to the blonde, looking at her expectantly, her eyes screaming ‘you can’t run away now so spit the truth’.

Clarke rolled her eyes and sighed. It was too late to hide her secret from Lexa. “This” she put the heavy book on Lexa’s lap “Is the first thing Bran offered me. One day he saw me draw on a rock with some chalk I had found. One week later, he came back from the town with this book and all the pages were blank. He taught me how I could make my own charcoal and use it. Open it”

Lexa did as said and what she saw troubled her. On the page, a few sketches of what the blonde called the drop ship. A few pages later, after a series of forest and animal drawings (even a double headed deer), a double page, filled with faces. Clarke’s friends, Octavia and the Bellamy boy included were on the next page. Landscapes as well as dead people and actions Lexa didn’t know a thing about were scrolling under her eyes. Everything was so well done and precise, so real. The brunette turned a few more pages and something tightened in her chest. A complex, detailed drawing of the drop ship but this time it was circled by ashes.

Clarke cleared her throat “I um… I compiled all the things that happened to me since I came down…”

Lexa, barely hearing her, turned a few more pages and she saw Lincoln. Lincoln, attached and being tortured. Then a page later, Lincoln and Octavia. When one drawing was filled with sadness, the other seemed full of hope. The brunette continued to rapidly turn the pages until her eyes caught a glimpse of someone she knew. Used to know. Anya, sitting straight on her horse, on the bridge Lexa had sent her to. In a hurry, the girl turned the pages quickly. After pictures of the interior of the mountain, mountain men, Clarke’s friends and caged grounders, finally she found what she was looking for. A whole page filled with sketches of Anya.

Lexa could feel rage and sadness swirl inside her. But out of nowhere, a hand reached and turned the page for her. On it, Anya again, sitting on the ground, her back on a tree trunk, no war paint on her face. She seemed relaxed, her eyes lost somewhere. Under the drawing in beautiful trigedasleng letters she could read ‘Yu gonplei ste odon’.

Lexa rapidly turned to Clarke, eyes glossy and brows furrowed *When did she-* but the blonde’s finger on her lips shut her.

“I… Kinda invented. I wanted her to look as human as possible. Maybe I was mistaking-“

Lexa had rapidly placed the book on the ground in front of her and was hugging Clarke tightly. “Thank you. For her. Thank you”

They stayed like that for a few moments but Clarke gently pulled back, clearing her throat. “Ok, just continue”

Lexa retrieved the book and after a few landscapes and drawings of the ark, people she didn’t recognize, something familiar finally appeared. Gustus. Fierce, authoritarian and intimidating. She looked at the blonde.

She shrugged and with a small smile she said “Sorry. He wasn’t really super friendly when we first met so…”

Lexa smiled “Do not worry Clarke. It really is… resembling”

Clarke smiled back until… Until Lexa got to the next page. The blonde quickly put her hand on the corner to hide something.

Lexa raised an eyebrow but momentarily dropped it and looked at… Herself. The very first time Clarke and herself had met. She was on her throne, her knife in her hands. She looked powerful, rigid and kind of… scary actually. Which was a good thing but for some reason it pained her “Is that how you see me ?”

“Of course not. Not anymore. But at that time, I was seriously trembling in fear” she said in a laugh and Lexa relaxed.

The brunette gently grabbed the hand Clarke had on the book. But the blonde didn’t want to move “Clarke…” Lexa said as a warning.

The blonde sighed “Don’t laugh ok ?”

Lexa nodded and Clarke took back her hand. And the brunette saw the words ‘You’re the one’. She looked back at the blonde with a small grin and a raised eyebrow.

Clarke crossed her arms on her chest “It was your first words to me. Of course I wrote them down. I wrote a lot of other things everywhere too ! I’m sure you saw it so don’t act so surprised. There’s more than that-” Clarke straightened her back, took a menacing face “You’re the one that burnt three hundred of my warriors alive”

Lexa laughed openly and, imitating Clarke too she said “You’re the one who send them there to kill us”

Clarke’s eyes opened wide “You remember ?”

Lexa frowned “Of course I do.”

Clarke licked her lips and averted her eyes saying “Go on, there’s more”

More indeed. More of Lexa. She was almost on every pages after that. Sometimes in a full page, sometimes just as a small sketch in a corner. The brunette could remember everything. The Pauna, TonDC, Gustus, TonDC again and… The afternoon before the mountain in the tent. Lexa turned at Clarke and she was sure she had never seen the blonde’s cheeks so red before.

“What ? It happened. It’s a compilation of my life on the ground, of course I drew it too, as well as my friends and the people I killed”

Things were starting to be interesting for Lexa. The situation could be amusing. So she teased “I did not say anything Clarke. Drawing you kissing me is not a surprise. It happened”

The blonde’s jaw dropped and she slapped Lexa’s shoulder “Hey ! YOU kissed me !”

“I did.” She said seriously, the light mood dropping a little. But then she shrugged and added in a fake sad tone “And you pulled back and said not yet”

Clarke shifted uncomfortably “Yeah well, talking about ‘not yet’…”

Lexa had hoped for something positive but when the blonde pointed a tiny note in a corner saying ‘Not yet’ her heart sank.

She made a sad, pouting face and said “It is mean Clarke”

“Not more than you on the next page” and she crossed her arms again.

Indeed. Lexa with paint and blood dripping on her face, in full war gear, her eyes cold and distant.

Serious and grave she started “Clarke…”

“Hush. Shut up and turn”

It took Lexa aback so the blonde just flipped the pages herself until she found the one she drew the day she found Lexa on the river bank.

“Here. Start back from here”

Then Lexa could recognize everything. She had lived or witnessed every single page : her first bath, the bed she had made, and even herself sitting next to Commander.

“Here on the ground you don’t have photos and… I like to have something to remember things and events. People…”

Lexa nodded in understanding. “It is well done. You are talented Clarke”

The brunette skipped a few pages to find the one the girl was drawing before she came.

“No wait ! This one is not finished !”

But Lexa pushed Clarke away from the book. It was a portrait of her with three scars and war paint on her face. Lexa frowned, confused “This never happened”

The blonde paused then seriously she said “Yet. Not yet.”


	10. The fifth month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy ! :3

**Day 120, before noon**

 

 

Clarke was in town. Lincoln was hunting. Octavia was taking a bath. And Lexa was alone. And bored. So, SO bored. She had tried to just lie down and take a nap, but she wasn’t tired. She had tried to work on her reading and show Clarke how good she was but after 15 minutes she was bored again. She tried to clean up the house but she had already done that the day before so it took her only 10 minutes. Knowing Octavia, Lexa still had 20 minutes of doing nothing to endure. Or maybe not.

Selina had woken up and started crying so the brunette stood and bent down above the cradle * _What is it baby ? Is that your diapers ?_ * Lexa bent down further to sniff the still sobbing little being but no. It wasn’t that. * _You ate half an hour ago you can’t be hungry so what ?*_ So she lifted the girl in her arms, resting her on her hips and she stopped crying.

Lexa was good with kids. Or kids were good with her she didn’t know. It was really rare for children to cry when being in her arms. The most amusing thing is that it had always been like that. She wasn’t the type to play house when she was young and yet, when a parent in her village was tired of their crying children, they just put them near Lexa and they calmed down. So, little by little, she learned how to take care of them. Selina was actually the first really young child she had had to take care of since she became commander. Paradoxically, Lexa didn’t like children. Well no more or less than any other human being. Ok maybe a little less than most women in general. Taking care of children was not as enjoyable for her as it seemed to be for Clarke for example.

No, Lexa was more fascinated by them. Humanity knows only two ways to reach eternity : going down in history or having children. By passing on traditions, history, experience and genes, mankind and individuals can last. That simple fact amazed her. But she had also always been impressed by how intelligent and sensitive young infants were. Selina was a calm girl, rarely crying for nothing, always looking around her with curiosity, listening to the world, taking in as many new information as she could. Lexa couldn’t help but to connect this surprisingly mature behaviour to Octavia’s story and feelings. She was sure that somehow the little girl could feel that something big had happened between her and her mother. Maybe that could explain why Lexa had become so fond of her in such a short amount of time. Her relationship with Octavia too had improved in the past few weeks. The girl was now more at ease next to her, a little familiar even. But Lexa didn’t care. The other girl was amusing and so easy to surprise…

Selina’s babbling dragged Lexa out of her thoughts. * _Well, well in which kind of language are you talking young girl ?*_ said Lexa with a smile and Selina laughed * _I am pretty sure this is not English nor Trigedasleng so what is it ? Do you mind telling me ?_ * The little girl babbled something again and Lexa answered by a nod and a convincing * _I see_ *

She went to sit on the rocking chair and placed Selina on her lap so that she was facing her. She was planning on saying something, babytalk the girl or tell a story but when she saw the serious look into the girl’s eyes, Lexa stayed silent. Selina seemed so concentrated on Lexa’s hands. She was looking at them with all the attention she could muster. Then she turned her gaze to Lexa’s clothes. Finished with the material’s analysis, she turned her attention to Lexa’s face. The brunette smiled at her but the girl was still serious. She tried to stand on Lexa’s lap so the brunette helped her and maintained her. They were face to face and slowly, as gently as her limited skills permitted her, the child traced the deep healing cuts on Lexa’s face with her hands. The touch was light but when Selina’s finger grazed the bridge of her nose, the brunette winced in pain. The child stopped and a sad expression twisted her small features. Lexa smiled *Do not worry, I’m ok. See ? No pain* but Selina didn’t smile back. Instead she wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck and let the brunette hold her.

Lexa didn’t know what happened in the girl’s mind, nor what she thought she had just said but from an adult point of view it looked like a grateful apology and Lexa was aback. It was impossible for a child this young to understand what had happened with the bear and yet. When a tear ran down her cheek, Lexa tightened her embrace and made a decision.

 

When Octavia and Clarke came back 20 minutes later, Selina was sound asleep on Lexa’s lap. Without tearing her affectionate green eyes from the sleeping being nor moving a single muscle, Lexa stated.

* _I’m the commander_ *

 

 

**Day 125 evening**

 

“Can I join you ?”

Clarke snorted “I know why you are here. And I prefer telling you now, I will not change my mind”

Lexa rolled her eyes but smiled “I just came here to take a bath Clarke”

The blonde turned on the platform, crossing her arms on the edge of the pool to look at the girl and raised an eyebrow “Really ?”

“Really.”

Clarke shrugged and turned her back to Lexa once again “Sounds fake but fine. Come in”

Lexa undressed and washed herself then sat next to the blonde. After a minute or two she said “Clarke-“

But the blonde cut her “Tss, tss, tss !”

Lexa smirked and called again “Clarke…”

Head back, rested on the edge of the pool and eyes closed, Clarke smiled “Nope.”

The brunette took a lighter, smiling tone “Clarke”

“I don’t want to hear it”

Lexa sat on her knees and poked the blonde’s side “But Clarke…”

Clarke jumped at the touch and giggled “No !”

The brunette poked again a few times and the blonde wiggled, her smile growing “Hey Clarke…”

“I said no Lexa !” But the brunette continued to poke Clarke’s side. Eventually the blonde moved and fought back, splashing Lexa, laughing like a kid.

With a mischievous smile the brunette grabbed the blonde’s agitated hands. In the impossibility to fight Clarke just dropped her shoulders and made a face. Lexa raised a proud eyebrow and pulling the girl closed she said “Hey, Clarke”

The blonde turned her head to the dark of the cave with a pout “No.”

Lexa quickly put her hands on Clarke’s shoulders to have a stronger control and took a ridiculously low voice “Claaaaarke…”

The blonde bit her lip to try to repress her smile but she end up bursting out laughing.

With the same voice the brunette added “Please look at me Claaaarke”

Finally childish blue met amused green and the blonde said again in a giggle “Lexa no.”

“Lexa yes”

“Lexa…” menaced the blonde.

“Clarke.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. She raised a hand and slowly traced one of Lexa’s chest scars with her finger. “Lexa... I told you no”

Suddenly Lexa felt the urge to avert her eyes but she managed to plea * _Clarke please…*_

Clarke came closer and started playing with a lock of Lexa’s hair * _Don’t you dare using trigedasleng on me you bad girl…_ * Lexa swallowed with difficulty and to make it worse the blonde added in a whisper, lips brushing the brunette’s now burning ear “Look at me Lexa”

When the brunette’s eyes fell back on Clarke’s face, the blonde had a serious expression. A strangled “Clarke…?” escaped Lexa’s dry mouth.

Clarke’s seriousness got replaced in a second by a devilish grin and she quickly grabbed the brunette’s hips and pushed her off the platform. The muscular body of Lexa sank like a rock and Clarke laughed crazily until… Until she noticed the brunette wasn’t coming back to the surface. “Lexa…?” But no movement in the dark water “Lexa !” she called louder and kneeled on the platform’s edge. “LEXAArgh-“ The end of her desperate call fell with her in the water when two strong hands grabbed the back of her thighs.

When Clarke made surface, coughing and panicked, Lexa, barely panting, was sitting on the edge of the pool, smirking. “LEXA !” she swam to the platform and stood on it to punch and slap and yell at the brunette “You dummy ! You gave me a heart attack you little- !” but it was just making Lexa’s smirk grow.

*cough*

Both girls stopped moving at the obviously forced sound and turned to look at Octavia, standing awkwardly at the opening of the tunnel.

“Um… I just came down to tell you that dinner is ready and all but since you seems to enjoy yourselves so much right now… Take your time and um… See you tomorrow, bye !” and the girl rushed and disappeared into the dark corridor.

Clarke and Lexa looked at each other then burst out laughing “Oh my god ! Her face !”

It took the both of them a few minutes for their laughs to die. Then Lexa said seriously “Clarke. I want you to know that I disapprove of you coming with me, and I disapprove even more of Octavia accompanying us”

Echoing Lexa’s serious tone, Clarke answered earnestly “I know. But we already talked about this and our answers haven’t changed. We’re coming with you. You can say all the things you want, I won’t stay and hide here while you fight”

“Clarke it’s dangerous”

The blonde raised her voice “And that’s precisely why I HAVE to come with you !” then she added softly “It would be even more dangerous for you on your own. I have to come Lexa. Together we’re stronger. Maybe not as much as an army but… You’re not alone Lexa”

The brunette smiled one of her softest and more honest smiles. She stood unceremoniously turning to grab a towel. She threw one at Clarke and said “How am I supposed to defeat an army and kill a queen when I can’t say no to a random girl”

Clarke grinned “Not just any random girl, a sky random girl, please !”

 

 

**Day 127, before noon**

 

“So. How are we doing this ?”

“Oh you mean the whole ‘let’s defeat a nation that an entire army couldn’t beat, just the four of us’ thing ? Gee, how surprising, I have NO IDEA !”

“Thanks O, that was constructive.”

Clarke was annoyed, Octavia too pessimistic and Lincoln as silent as always.

“Maybe we can, I don’t know, go from village to village, recruit people and build our own army ?” Octavia suggested, throwing her hands in the air in exasperation.

Clarke sighed and shook her head “No. The last thing we want is the queen to know Lexa is alive. We’ll have to travel under cover. No the real question is, to where… And Octavia, please, PLEASE ! Could you stop pacing !”

Lexa thought the two girls were going to fight again but Lincoln saved them all. “Luna” Everyone turned to look at the man “Maybe she can do something”

Lexa was perplexed. She didn’t want more of her friends to be involved but they just couldn’t sit there and watch the queen take control of the whole region “I don’t know”

“Lexa, who is Luna ?”

“A woman that took care of me for a while when I was young. The past Heda had sent Anya’s squad to Luna’s lands to help her people recover from an attack and we stayed there longer than we thought. Anya was always busy so Luna just took me with her and taught me how to build and use a boat”

“Where does this wonderful woman live ?” asked Octavia, hopeful.

“On an Island, not so far from here. 12 hours if we use horses”

Octavia jumped, a smile on her lips “Wonderful ! When are we going ?”

“Calm down O…”

“Yes. There is a problem”

“Of course there is a problem…” Octavia sighed and finally collapsed next to Lincoln on Clarke’s bed.

“I don’t know if Luna will be able to help us. She has warriors of course but most of her people are traders and fishmongers.

“At least she could offer us shelter and time to think about something else. Lexa, if you think this woman will be willing to take us in and take our side then she is our best option”

Lexa cared a lot about Luna. She knew the woman was a good leader, loved by her people. She didn’t want her and her nation to be involved in what could be a terrible fight. But Clarke was right. Once again Lexa had to make a choice, not knowing if she should listen to her head or her heart.

“Lexa, we should move. I know you don’t want to put her and her people in danger but she is all we have for now. She’ll have at least information to give us and weapons for sure”

Lexa sighed, beaten. If Lincoln could agree with that then… “Alright. But how are we going to reach Entis without being caught ?”

“Entis ?”

Lincoln answered to his wife “Entis is the name of the island. The problem is that the boats we need to go there are in Polis”

“But maybe we can fit in. Polis is a harbour city right ? Don’t forget I’m supposed to be a horse breeder. I have something to sell”

Lexa thought. It wasn’t a bad idea. “But so many people know my face”

Clarke looked right into Lexa’s eyes “Lexa. No offence of course but, for the world right now ? You’ve been dead for almost five month. Plus, this fucking bear gave you a surgery that could be handy”

Lexa didn’t like it. She didn’t like the fact that the blonde was right, and that this whole plan might actually work. But she didn’t have a choice. With each second passing the queen was becoming stronger and she could reach this small farm of theirs at any moment now. After a long sigh she nodded “Fine” she leaned her head on the wall behind her and closed her eyes “Lincoln, how are we going to by-pass TonDC ?”

“I have friends in Aizer and Urel”

With a frim nod the brunette said “Good” then she stood and straightened her back “We leave in three days”

Seeing Lexa, now stiff and distant put on her coat, the blonde asked “Where are you going ?”

“Hunting” she answered without looking at Clarke.

“I’m coming.”

Lexa turned to face the now standing blonde and sighed “No you’re not”

“Yes I am”

Clarke had this characteristic determined expression that usually meant Lexa’s defeat but not this time. The brunette took a deep breath and met the blonde’s gaze with her own. “Clarke” she said slowly cupping the blonde’s face with her hands “I am coming back” But the suspicious look in Clarke’s eyes was still there.

“Drop it Clarke. Let the commander say goodbye to Lexa”

Lexa offered Octavia a thankful nod before turning back to the blonde “Look at me Clarke. I will be home by tonight, I promise”

Clarke finally nodded and Lexa exited the house.

 

The brunette had never thought Octavia would be the one to understand.

 

 

**Day 129 early afternoon**

 

 

Lexa sat next to Clarke and Commander ran to her with her best ‘pet me’ eyes. The brunette smiled.

“You’re late” It was sharp, accusatory and angry.

Lexa gently scratched the raccoon’s belly and answered “I know”

“I thought you were gone.”

“I know”

“I thought you were keeping your promises.”

“I came back”

“But you’re late.”

Lexa lied “I got lost”

“No you didn’t.”

“You’re right.”

Clarke finally turned to Lexa, angry and hurt “Then why !?”

“I was scared”

“Of what !?” in an attempt to calm the blonde Lexa tried to take her hand but Clarke didn’t let her “Answer me !”

“I was scared of being weak”

Clarke frowned, visibly furious at Lexa for talking riddles and all the brunette wanted was to just do nothing and breathe while she still had the time and freedom to do it. “You are right. I tried to see how far I could go without all of you” she paused and lied down, Commander jumping on her stomach. “I was scared of coming back”

Clarke, now more confused than angry asked “Why ? In what not running to a certain death on your own uselessly is weakness”

Lexa took a deep breath “Do you remember what I told you that day in front of the pyre ? About Costia ?”

Clarke softened “Love is not weakness Lexa”

The brunette closed her eyes and with a small smile she said “I know. You taught me that already”

Lexa admitting such a thing was a first and Clarke’s cheeks reddened, flattered. She cleared her throat lying next to the brunette “Then what is it ?”

“The queen tore away everything I had. I don’t want her to have you too. And Octavia has a baby. Have you thought about Selina ? I do not want to endanger you. My duty is not yours Clarke”

Clarke rolled on her side “Lexa, I haven’t seen my family, friends and people in more than two years. They probably think that I’m dead too. I ran away from them but now that they really need me I can’t just sit there and imagine them being killed or worse, tortured” the blonde grabbed Lexa’s hand and green finally met blue “Listen to me Lexa. I am not coming to help you. I’m coming because I need you. My people need me but alone I’m nothing. You, even on your own, you’re the Heda, you have strength, you’re the weapon I need to achieve my goal”

Lexa smiled and gently squeezed Clarke’s hand * _I can’t win against you, can I ?*_

* _Who knows. Maybe one day I’ll let you_ * answered the blonde with a small smile.

The brunette shook her head and rose in a sitting position, holding Commander to be sure not to startle her. She looked at the animal and said “I am sorry little one but you cannot come with us”

“She’s quite fond of you. I heard animals could recognize one of their kind when they see them. Apparently it’s true”

Lexa smiled “I am not a raccoon Clarke, I am a human”

“Good to know.” stated Clarke seriously. Then she stood and with a lighter tone added “Time to go home Lexa, say goodbye to your sister !”

 

Lexa petted the animal one last time before leaving, wishing those caresses were indeed a goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You h to like the lexa/raccoon interactions so I added some. hope you liked it ;)


	11. The sixth month

**Day 133**

 

The situation was worse than Lexa had anticipated. During her escapade three days ago she had only seen small ice nation patrols. But instead of a few hours it had taken them three days to reach Aizer and find Lincoln’s friend.

“Shit they’re everywhere…”

“Clarke, it is not too late, you can still-“

“NO Lexa we already talked about this”

Clare was pacing in the small room Anton had lent them for the night. Octavia and Lincoln were sitting on the small bed and Lexa on a chair. They were all really tense. They would have to set off again in the early morning and they still didn’t know how to avoid the ice nation warriors that were keeping watch on every single citizen. Anton had told them that any crime was now punishable by death (and by crime he meant what ice nation’s warriors called ‘crime’) and that all the children older than 5 year old had been taken to the capitol for who knows what.

“They’re taking children Lexa…” The blonde was pulling at her hair and biting her lower lip nervously.

“I know Clarke. But pacing and tiring yourself will not help any one of them” Lexa on the contrary was calm. Well she appeared calm. There was a voice inside her telling her to run to the queen without waiting and slit her throat. What was keeping her from listening to it was the tiny hope that Clarke and the others would be safer with Luna than in Trikru territory.

“Right” said the blonde, letting herself collapse on the ground “Yes you’re right.” But of course, even with her butt on the wooden floor, her lip was still stuck between her teeth and her foot was tapping the ground at a steady, exasperating rhythm.

The door opened and everyone, ready to fight whoever it might be released a breath when they saw Anton.

* _I don’t have much time_ * whispered the man * _I went out and gathered some information. And it seems you’re in danger_ *

Lexa stood, followed by Clarke * _What is it ?*_

* _You_ * he motioned to the blonde * _They’re looking for you_ *

Clarke frowned * _Wait, it’s impossible. They can’t have discovered our plan in only three days !_ *

* _Shhhh… If they hear you, It’s over. I don’t think they know about you going to Entis. Nor even you being alive_ *

* _Then why ?*_ Lexa was so tense her teeth were grinding and her nails digging in her palms. They should’ve stayed into the house. She should have known. It was too dangerous for Clarke.

* _I think the Ice queen is just supposing that the leader of the skaikru is still alive somewhere. They have been searching for you for a while apparently_ *

The blonde released a breath * _Then they don’t know for sure that I’m alive… Good_ *

* _How could they recognise Clarke anyway ? They have never seen her face_ * Octavia placed her daughter in Lincoln’s arms and stood, stretching.

* _They’ve been arresting every young woman with blonde hair and blue eyes_ *

* _If it’s just that then…_ * Clarke rapidly tied up her hair in a single big braid then grabbed her dagger. Lexa extended an arm to stop her but too late. The blonde had cut the braid and let it fall on the ground. Everyone watched in awe. It wasn’t rare for warrior women to have short hair but Clarke was not a warrior. Clarke had beautiful, long, golden hair. And Clarke had just cut it unceremoniously. She had just thrown away a part of herself without hesitation. “Lincoln, I’ll need your help to shave the rest”

Lexa’s eyes opened wide “Clarke-“

“Lexa, I know what I’m doing ok ? I can’t do anything about my eyes but if cutting my hair can help us I will do it without regret. Plus, hair can grow again but if I get caught I might never come back. Knowing that, the choice is an easy one”

The commander was amazed. Clarke was strong, Clarke was generous, Clarke was caring, Clarke was intelligent, Clarke was beautiful and Lexa admired her. * _Anton, can you find us some soap or something, she wants to shave her head_ * said the brunette, earning a grateful nod from the blonde.

* _Yes I have some, wait for me_ * and the man exited the room.

Octavia tiredly tried to save what was left of Clarke’s femininity “Ice nation people have blonde hair and blue eyes. Couldn’t you try to fit in ?”

“I can’t talk Icelandic and nobody could prove I am indeed an ice nation citizen. Nobody would recognize me Octavia”

With a sigh the brunette returned to the bed. Clarke was far ahead from her. As always. The girl had thought about everything before everyone else.

Lexa knelt down and picked up the braid. Heartlessly she said “You shouldn’t let that behind you”

“You’re right. We should burn it. No traces left”

Lexa nodded. As much as she had wanted to keep the braid with her, she couldn’t. If she got caught with it on her then it could be a clue that Clarke might be alive, or worse, connected to her in any kind of way. The ice queen was cruel but intelligent. She knew. The Queen knew all the efforts Lexa made to discretely help the sky people after the mountain, knew that even if she wasn’t showing it, Lexa cared for those that fell from the sky. But most of all, she knew Costia, knew Lexa’s weakness, and heard the whispers about her potential link with Clarke.

Lexa wouldn’t let Costia’s tragedy happen ever again. With nobody, not Clarke, nor anyone else.

 

 

 

**Day 137**

 

 

Once again it took them days to reach the next town, Urel. They could have used trees to travel without being seen but with the horses it wasn’t possible. At least they knew their cover would work. They had met an ice nation scout squad and they let them pass without asking questions. It had reassured Lexa but she had insisted that they made a detour to avoid meeting any other more vigilant ice people.

 

*knock* *knock*

* _Yes...?*_

* _It’s me Annah, please let us in_ *

When the door opened, an old petite woman appeared and threw a suspicious look at everyone, analysing them one after the other. Then her gaze fell on Lexa and her eyes opened wide in shock * _Comma-hmfff_ *

Lincoln had put a hand on her mouth and pushed her back inside, the three girls following, then closing the door.

* _C-Co-Commander… Is it you ?_ * she whispered, extending her hands to touch Lexa’s face. The brunette let her cup her cheeks and nodded. * _You- You’re alive…_ * Stated the old woman in a breath, her eyes watering.

Lincoln kneeled down * _Listen Ann, we’re on a run right now. Could you hide us until tomorrow morning ?*_

Trembling in emotion, the woman nodded a few times * _Yes, YES ! Of course anything for the C… For you young lady*_ She grabbed one of Lexa’s hands and kissed it respectfully then she turned to Lincoln. The shift in her behaviour could be compared to Lexa’s. The woman, until then surprised, happy, moved, was now deadly serious, determination showing in every wrinkle on her face. * _It seems you have a lot of things to tell me child_ *

They all sat at the kitchen table and the man told everything the woman needed to know.

 

* _Do you think it’s possible ?*_

* _I think the odds are high. This nation is waiting for someone to save them_ * Annah turned to Lexa * _We all thought you were dead and that it would be our turn soon but if the people know you are_ _alive, they’ll follow you for sure_ *

Lexa, both touched and somehow uncomfortable said humbly * _Thank you_ *, bowed and stood * _I need some air. Can I use your backyard ?*_

* _Of course child_ *

 

The backyard was more like a personal tiny field, delimited by some barrier. Lexa sat on the bench leaned on the house’s wall. The sun was setting and everything was silent. She closed her eyes, wondering if this plan could really work, if the people would follow her and die for her even after she’d lost, even if she was weak. Something kept tugging at her guts but she couldn’t decipher what. She had never been so anxious before even if she had been in worse situations a few times. She didn’t know what but something was off, something was coming.

“Are you ok ?”

Her eyes stayed closed “I am good Clarke”

“Then what is THAT” Lexa felt a cold thumb pressing between her brows and her eyes opened to see the blonde standing in front of her “The frown doesn’t suit you Lexa”

Clarke sat next to her and closed her eyes, mimicking Lexa’s previous position, head back leaned on the wall. Then Lexa looked at her. Her face, so peaceful. How ? How could she be so relaxed ?  

Lexa’s starring was insistent so the blonde, uneasy, faced her and asked “What ? have I got something on my face ?”

But Lexa didn’t answer. She was too absorbed by her thoughts. What if something bad happened to Clarke ? What if her beautiful face got cut like her own ? What if her hands got stained again ? What if… what if her blue eyes turned grey… Without noticing it, Lexa had been tracing Clarke’s features with her finger the same way Selina had with her own. After a moment, the blonde finally gently grabbed Lexa’s hands and brought her back to reality.

With a concerned look and a voice full of worry she asked “Lexa, you sure you’re alright ?”

The brunette took a few breath _*I was thinking…*_

_*Yes ?*_

Without breaking eye contact, Lexa opened her mouth to talk but closed it an instant later. The same thing repeated a few times until she finally swallowed thickly and said “Can I… Can I touch your head ?”

Clarke frowned. Lexa knew she hadn’t fooled her but she hoped that somehow the blonde could just drop it and surprisingly she did “Of course”

Clarke sat closer so that Lexa could touch the entirety of her now bare scalp. The brunette extended a hand and hesitantly her fingertips finally touched the sensitive skin. It was colder than Lexa had expected. Then with a lot more insurance she caressed the back of Clarke’s head with her palm. So cold. She added a second hand, covering as much skin as she could. The blonde then closed her eyes, silently enjoying the touch. Their faces were inches apart and Lexa felt the urge to kiss her. A desperate pull from deep inside her, an almost instinctive move, something that seemed natural, right, but for some reason so hard to do. She wanted to kiss her just like that, to somehow confirm that the girl in front of her was real, that Clarke wouldn’t vanish. Or maybe it was just a possessiveness drive, the need to make Clarke hers so that she could protect her, and who knows, maybe the blonde would finally accept to listen to her orders. Her left hand dropped and her right one came down to gently rest on Clarke’s nape. Lexa closed the distance slowly, then… then stopped. She pulled back and Clarke released a breath Lexa didn’t noticed on the moment. The brunette stood and turned her back to the blonde * _I do not know if the frown suits me Clarke, but I do know that on you it’s ugly_ * It was almost harsh. Why those gentle words she had had dancing on her tongue for the past few minutes decided to come out like that ? So cold and violent… She walked to the door and opened it. Eyes fixed on the ground she added “We both need sleep. Let’s go back inside”.

 

 

 

**Day 140**

 

 

Finally, Polis. It was a big city, not so different than the last time Lexa had seen it. The ice nation warriors and scouts were everywhere in town but this put aside, the capitol looked normal. Lexa couldn’t help but tense though. Here anybody could recognize her. She had released her hair from their customary braids, pulled them in a ponytail and masked her face from her chin to her nose but she feared it wouldn’t be enough.

The amazed, enthusiastic, delighted blue eyes scrutinizing everything, taking in as many things as she could were both amusing and hurting for Lexa. It was true that compared to the other towns Clarke had seen, the houses’ structures were strong, the ground was cobbled and there were shops everywhere. The brunette could only try to imagine the joy and amazement that must be for the sky person.

* _Lex- Lorna, Lorna, Lorna ! What’s this !?*_

For the first time in days Lexa laughed. * _What is what Gaell ?*_

The blonde was literally jumping and trying to look at everything at the same time, making it hard for the brunette to know what the hell she was talking about.

* _This town… This whole town is like magic !*_

Lexa smiled. * _We will be stuck here for a while. Maybe I can give you a small tour later_ *

The brunette could swear Clarke’s face was shining * _Really ? Oh my god I’m happy !*_

Lexa shook her head. Too bad the blonde’s cheerfulness wasn’t contagious. * _Lorna, where are we going now ? What are we even looking for ?*_ asked Octavia, obviously tired, a sleeping Selina on her back.

* _To an Inn that neither me nor Lincoln have ever visited_ *

Octavia rolled her eyes * _Great !*_

 

Twenty minutes later, they finally found what they were looking for. The Inn was relatively small and isolated. They paid for their first three nights. They had just enough for two double rooms. They would have to sell a horse or two quickly if they wanted to go any further. Indeed, the Innkeeper had told them the queen had restricted the exchanges with the boat people and that the next boat that could carry the five of them and their horses would leave the port in two weeks. Of course they had thought about selling all their horses and leave sooner but they had to stay under cover for as long as they could.

“So we have two weeks to spend here huh ?”

Lexa sighed _*Cl- Gaell could you please use trigedasleng ?*_

Clarke turned to Lexa that was lying on the bed, and eagerly asked * _And now ? You take me to town ?*_

* _Like you said Cl-*_ The brunette clicked her tongue in exasperation. She didn’t like Clarke’s new name. She would’ve chosen her a much better fake name but the blonde had insisted they used her mother’s to create a new one. * _Like you said Gaell, we have two weeks. So now we rest_ *

Clake, dejected, sat next to Lexa and removed her shirt and pants, leaving her in her undergarments and bindings. Lexa then stood and walked to the door.

* _Where are you going ?*_

* _I’ll take the first watch, you can relax and sleep_ *

Lexa heard Clarke stand and walk in her direction and she sighed at what she knew was coming.

* _You’re not going anywhere. First this bed is large enough for the both of us. Second I’d feel better if you stayed by my side. Now you either undress by yourself or I tie you up and do it for you.*_

When she turned back, all Lexa saw was an almost naked, formerly blonde girl, arms crossed, eyebrow defiantly raised and a smirk barely held back. She sighed tiredly and removed her shirt letting it fall unceremoniously on the ground before taking off her boots and pants and slip between the covers.

* _Good.*_ said Clarke, joining Lexa in the bed. But when she lied down, the brunette turned around, showing her her back.

A minute or two passed and Lexa couldn’t close her eyes. She had way too many things on her mind. Questions as ‘What if Luna can’t help us’, ‘What if the queen find out ?’ or ‘What if Selina catch a cold ?’. For as long as she could remember she had never been so nervous, so insecure. She jumped when a hand touched her back.

* _You’re so tense… your back is all knotted. Stop tightening your muscles so much_ *

* _I can’t. I can’t relax Cl- Gaell_ *

* _You’re scared. Don’t be. Everything will be alright_ * Lexa’s back relaxed slightly under the gentle soothing touch and the soft voice but it was barely noticeable. She could feel the blonde trace every little scar, old or new, like it was a precious fragile thing. The brunette liked that. She liked the feeling of Clarke’s hands ion her back. Even when the blonde was stitching it or changing her bandages, she just liked that. Then the blonde touched the large scar with her full hand and whispered “Does it hurt ?”

“Not anymore”

“Good.”

And Lexa felt Clarke’s arms wrap around her and pull and the brunette tensed again * _Cl- What are you doing !?*_

* _I know what you were planning to do. You were waiting for me to fall asleep to leave this bed and go take a nap in a tree somewhere just because you think that feeling comfortable makes you weak. But I have a big news : it doesn’t_ * silence fell. Lexa knew it wouldn’t lead her anywhere to deny it. * _I knew it ! You’re incorrigible !_ * Clarke tightened her grip on Lexa’s waist and added in a breath so that even the best Azgeda spy couldn’t hear her “Good night Lexa”

A few minutes later, in a quiet voice Lexa said “Thank you Clarke”

The brunette thought the blonde was asleep so when a mumbled-more-than-talked whisper brushed her ear, she almost jumped “You welkme”

Lexa smiled. Ah, Clarke and her will to have the last word.

 

 

**Day 148**

 

 

* _Stop worrying like that, you’re depressing_ *

* _Okteivia_.* Lexa bowed her head to greet the brunette that had just entered her room.

* _Come with me for a minute_ * seeing that Lexa wasn’t moving she rolled her eyes and added * _Lincoln is in the room next door. He’s awake, if something happens he’ll know what to do. Come on we won’t be far_ *

Throwing a last look at the sleeping Clarke in the bed, Lexa stood and followed Octavia just outside the Inn.

* _I am listening, what do you want ?*_

A shaky breath escaped Octavia’s mouth * _It’s Lincoln…_ *

Lexa frowned, her worry growing with every nervous blink of the girl next to her. Octavia’s complexion was blank, she looked weak and small * _What ? What is it ?_ *

* _He thinks I haven’t noticed but… I saw him spit blood the other day and a few bruises started to appear without reason last week…_ *

* _You think he’s sick ?_ *

* _I…*_ She held back a sob * _I don’t know but… I don’t know… I wish it isn’t what I think_ *

Lexa felt like everything was going from bad to worse. First, ice nation everywhere, second, Clarke was in danger and now ? Her best friend, the boy she grew up with was sick. Honestly she was tired. The exhaustion had seeped so deeply into her bones that she couldn’t even tell if she had been there for a few hours, a week, a month or if she had ever left Polis it in the first place. Because of her tired state and the excruciating waiting, her mind was running wild constantly and she felt like every single person in this town was dangerous. The feeling of something bad coming had settled so well in her stomach that she could barely eat. They needed to leave this town. And fast. For Lincoln’s sake and her own.

In a sigh, her eyebrows knitted she asked * _Why telling this to ME ? Maybe Gaell could_ -*

* _No !_ * she almost yelled then her voice soften and she explained * _If we tell this to Gaell and that Lincoln really is sick, she’d totally be able to make us stay here until he gets better, or worse, that we should split_ *

Octavia was right. They couldn’t tell Clarke about Lincoln before they had left the port. Another head over heart choice. Lexa could feel her old self, cold and stoic coming back with her responsibilities and power of decision and she’d lie if she said such a change was welcome.* _Why telling me that Octavia ?_ *

* _Because…_ *she sniffled and straightened her back * _Because I wanted to ask you to not listen to me_ *

Lexa’s brows furrowed even more in confusion * _What ?_ *

* _I love Lincoln. With Selina he’s all I have. I’m so attached to him that my judgement might be biased. If at some point you know this or that decision concerning Lincoln is the best then make it. Even if I don’t like it, even if I end up hating you again, if there is something you HAVE to do, do it_ *

Lexa rubbed her tired eyes with the back of her hands, a childish motion that translated way more than a simple lack of sleep. Octavia looked alarmed. Way more than what seemed necessary for some blood and bruises. * _Octavia, is there something you’re not telling me ? Do you know Lincoln’s illness ?_ * The girl stepped in front of Lexa and grabbed both of her hands. Her eyes were pleading, imploring Lexa not to ask, not to force her to say the words.

A few seconds of Lexa’s silence later, the girl voiced her plea. * _Please Le- Lorna promise me, I trust you_ *

Lexa took a deep breath and freed her hands from Octavia’s grasp only to put them on the girl’s shoulders * _I promise you that if there is something I feel like I HAVE to do at all costs, I will do it even if you disapprove_ *

Octavia nervously wiped her eyes * _Thank you_ *

 

 

 

**Day 155**

 

 

* _Gaell are you ok !?*_ Octavia was concerned by her friend’s sickness. Which couldn’t be so bad because Lexa was oddly calm while Clarke was emptying her stomach on the ground.

* _Rebind be-_ * the blonde’s body tensed again an a small amount of bile joined the group’s last meal on the ground *Rebind be to neber eber step on a boat ever again*

* _You will feel alright in a few moments. Not everyone can deal with boats travels_ *

 

Their boat had finally reached Entis after an hour of agitated water and strong wind. Clarke had been sick the whole way, Octavia oddly content, Selina had managed to sleep despite the agitation and Lincoln seemed more tired than never. His illness got worse and if she hadn’t been so sick, Clarke would’ve noticed.

Lexa had never felt so relieved to leave Polis. Here in Entis, the people knowing her face were rare and the ice warriors even fewer. She was concerned by Lincoln’s health though. They needed to find shelter and ask for an audience with Luna as fast as they could.

* _Lincoln, you should go to Gladys’ Inn. Take Octavia and Selina with you and have some rest_ * Lexa turned to Clarke that was now back on her feet, wiping her mouth * _Gaell, come with me. I need you to ask for an audience_ *

The blonde nodded weakly. She mounted Silver. Or tried. If Lexa hadn’t been there to catch her she would’ve fallen on her ass. Lexa sighed. As much as she wanted Clarke to relax and rest, they couldn’t waste any second. * _We’re taking Feisripa. Come on Clarke I’ll help you._ * The blonde obeyed and Lexa managed to sit her on the saddle. She mounted too and sat right behind Clarke. * _Octavia, give me Marguerite and Dandelion’s reins please_.*

The brunette frowned * _Why ?_ *

* _It’s a gift for Luna. I have little hope but maybe they’ll let us enter directly if we have something for her_ *

Lexa grabbed the reins Octavia gave her and she kicked her mare’s side, walking as fast as she could in the crowded streets. Clarke was leaned into her, eyes closed, asleep. The calm expression on the blonde’s face appeased her. Lexa allowed her cheek to rest on Clarke’s bare head. She focused on Clarke’s even breath and tried to mimic her. Little by little the rhythm of her own heart calmed down, her muscles relaxed.

“That’s how I like you the best”

The familiar but half asleep voice startled Lexa “Clarke, you weren’t sleeping ?”

“Not really. Your mind’s screams were too loud” The blonde leaned her back even more on Lexa “Are we there yet ?”

“In a few minutes”

A low, contented moan escaped Clarke’s throat as she stretched and adjusted herself against the brunette “You’re comfy Lexa”

Lexa smiled “You are just tired”

“You’re warm and soft”

“Beds are warm and soft. You just need sleep Clarke”

“I love your smell. You smell like earth”

The brunette raised an eyebrow “Earth ?”

“When I fell on earth, when the ship opened for the very first time, smells grazed my nose. Somehow, you smell the same. You smell like earth.”

Lexa could feel Clarke wait. The blonde was waiting for something coming from her, expecting something. At that time Lexa didn’t know what.

If she could do it again she would ask : What do you mean ?


	12. When the sun goes down

**Day 162**

 

Six days. They had been waiting for this audience for six days and finally, they were going to meet with Luna. Finally they would be able to ask for help. Finally Clarke would be safe, Lincoln cured and Octavia would take some rest. Or at least that’s what Lexa hopped for.

“We have requested an audience with Luna from the boat people”

Lexa said to the guard at the gate of Luna’s audience room. The guard, a man, was tall and muscular, Intimidating. So intimidating that Octavia was impressed (well more like petrified but she would never acknowledge it). Scars and war paint were covering his face and little bones piercing his ears. No wonder he was an important leader’s guard…

“Can I see your pass ?”

Lexa took the piece of paper with Luna’s seal on it and showed it to the man. He just nodded and yelled an order to the doormen in a language that Octavia didn’t recognized.

“You are allowed to enter.”

Lexa bowed and the others mimicked her. Behind the massive door, another door, a little smaller than the first one. The guard closed the first door, leaving them alone in the small, dark room.

“Why are we waiting here ? Between two doors ?” Octavia whispered in Lexa’s ear.

“It is a security measure. In this room you can’t fit an army. Right now they’re watching us, evaluating the danger we might represent”

As if whoever might be analysing them had heard Lexa, the second door opened. And behind it ? Another smaller door.

Octavia sighed “And for how long are we going to pass doors like that ?”

“There is just another one left after this one and we will be allowed to enter”

“What the point in so many doors ?”

Lexa turned to look at Clarke “Someone planning an attack or any kind of threat is usually stressed by this situation. Because they are being watched while waiting in a room where they are alone. When someone is tense their body language changes. That is this whole process’ goal. As I said, Luna’s people are not warriors, security here is based on tricks.”

“Damn that’s fucking genius”

Clarke frowned and slapped the back of the brunette’s head “Octavia, hold your tongue. You don’t want your daughter to talk like that, do you ?”

Octavia rolled her eyes “Yes mom”

Lincoln and Lexa exchanged an amused look : at least those two seemed like they wouldn’t change. Well, seemed to, at least because Lexa knew Clarke and Octavia were boiling inside like any other human being would. Then the third door opened and as Lexa had said, they were facing a fourth door.

Octavia recognized the trick was ingenious but she was starting to be bored “If they are doing that for every single person that want an audience, no wonder we had to wait for almost a week…”

“They are taking precautions because we are strangers. Normal citizens are checked at the first door and can enter directly”

Finally the door opened on a sinuous, tight, dark corridor and Lexa adjusted her mask.

Octavia sighed, her shoulders dropping so much Lexa wondered how Selina managed to sleep so well on her back “What now !?”

“This corridor is barely large enough for two people to walk side by side but not more. It is to prevent any fight to happen in here”

After five long minutes of walking, the tunnel finally opened to a large, bright room. All had to blink and hide their eyes, now used to the dark.

“Let me guess, the whole thing is MADE to dazzle us so that we don’t just charge into the room right ?”

“Good deduction young woman.” Octavia’s heart jumped at the sound of the sultry voice. Her eyes still barely adapted to the light trailed the long red carpet under her feet to the throne heightened by three steps and the woman sitting on it. Luna seemed to be around 40 years old, her hair was blonde, so light they appeared white. Her clothes were a dark blue and she had what the brunette identified as a magpie calmly rested on her shoulder. Octavia threw a rapid look at Clarke, apparently as dazed as herself by the woman.

“Please strangers, approach”

Lexa took the lead, her footsteps hurried. She tried to close the distance as fast as she could without alarming the guards. The others followed and came to a stop when they saw Lexa fall on one knee, head bowed a few feet in front of the bottom of the staircase.

Octavia saw the leader raise an eyebrow in surprise. When she stood, the brunette realised for the second time how much Luna inspired respect. The insurance and strength emanating from her were stunning. Lincoln too fell on one knee, then Clarke and Octavia followed.

“Raise your head woman and tell me your name.” said Luna, walking down the steps, stopping only a feet or two before Lexa.

The commander slowly raised her head, lowering her mask.

Luna’s eyes widened when their gazes locked. Lexa frowned and shook her head as discretely as possible.

The woman’s mask came back in place in a second. She put her magpie on the perch near her throne before turning to Lexa again “Stand. All of you. Follow me.” All obeyed and walked fast in the direction of a small decorated wooden door in a corner of the room. Then the woman gesticulated some kind of unspoken message to the guard at the door. He nodded and they entered what looked like a small bedroom. As soon as the door was closed, Lexa’s face was covered with white hair “Lexa ! Lexa you’re alive !”

Lexa smiled, hugging the woman back “It has been a while Luna”

Lincoln of course wasn’t surprised but Clarke and Octavia were standing incredulously, looking at the surreal scene in front of them. Maybe personality shifting was a grounder thing…

Luna pulled back and cupped Lexa’s cheeks, her almost yellow watering eyes boring into green ones. “It’s really you… Gods you’re so big now… Look at you !” The woman motioned to Lexa’s whole body with her head before focusing her gaze on the brunette’s face again “When was the last time ? Ten years ?”

Lexa chuckled “It is just five years Luna”

The woman’s hands dropped “Already five years…” She hugged Lexa one last time before saying “I can see the scars on your face and void a in your eyes, please tell me what happened child. Why is Nia on your throne while you are still fortunately alive ?”

This time Lexa was the one to pull back. She cleared her throat “Don’t you want to greet Lincoln first ?”

“Lincoln ?” The woman turned with a frown “Lincoln…” her eyes and smile widened in realisation. She walked to the man standing arms crossed and eyebrow raised “How are you so tall ! I didn’t recognized you ! Come here !” she opened her arms and the man had to bent down to hug her. Octavia had rarely seen her love being so affectionate with someone else than herself and it made her heart swell with sympathy for the woman. One of Selina’s babble made Luna break the hug. “And who do we have here ?”

She turned to Octavia and the brunette’s heart stopped in apprehension, not knowing what kind of treatment the woman reserved her. Lincoln was quick to join his partner and say “Luna this is my love and mother of my child, Octavia”

Once again Luna’s eyes widened in shock “You mean… This adorable thing is YOUR child ? Didn’t know your genes could give birth to such a lovely being. Are you sure you are the father ?” Lincoln rolled his eyes with a smile.

“Of course he is !” almost yelled Octavia, forcing the woman to tear her eyes from her daughter.

With a large smile Luna answered “Of course he is.”

Octavia instantly calmed down. It was humour. A grounder woman had just made a joke. A joke herself could’ve done. A joke that was SO NOT grounder-like… The brunette turned to Lexa, in shock “Is she ALWAYS like that !?”

The woman laughed and Lexa answered with a smile and shrugged “She has been worse”

Then Luna momentarily regained her calm and seriousness. “Do not disrespect me young woman” then she added lightly “I know a few ways to punish you…”

No wonder Lexa was able to shift from one mask to another so quickly. The woman that had raised her was obviously a master at that game.

“And who might you be young bald girl ?” she asked to the slightly offended girl almost hiding behind Lexa.

Clarke’s not so new shield answered for her “Let me introduce you to Clarke, ex-leader of the sky people” she said stepping aside.

Luna straightened her back and approached Clarke, her leader mask back in place. She bowed slightly “It is an honour to meet you Clarke. I am Luna, leader of the boat people.” She then turned to Lexa, expression grave “Now I want explanations Lexa”

 

 

Luna sighed “I’m sorry Lexa but I can’t help you”

“I thought so too” Lexa nodded in understanding.

“Why ? What are we going to do if you can’t help us ?” Octavia asked, confused and worried.

“The las epidemic took away a huge part of my already limited army. I can’t support you militarily I’m sorry”

Luna seemed defeated. Lexa knew she wanted to help them, knew that the woman would do all she could to help the trikru but this time it was just impossible.

“And my People ? The sky people ?” Clarke asked, voice tainted with worry despite her efforts to hide it.

“The queen keep them secluded in their metal structure. I don’t know more than that”

“And they’re not the only one, are they ?”

Luna looked at Lincoln and nodded “Nia knows my connection with Lexa. She knows I will always stay on her side so she reduced the exchanges I do with the main land. I can’t sell the goods I receive from other towns. She is settling an embargo. She wants the other nations, dependant of those exchanges made with the main land, to submit to her”

Lexa stood abruptly, sending her chair to the ground, hammering her fist on the table. “I can’t believe it… This woman is evil… Starving her people, and the other nation’s just to establish some kind of dominance over as many people as possible… Unbelievable !”

Lexa’s mind was elsewhere. It was with her people. Was with those she had tried to protect for so long, those suffering because of her weakness. She was so angry at herself for losing that day five month ago…

“Lexa calm down”

Lexa turned to look at the blonde now standing in front of her “Clarke I’m bound hand and foot while my people is oppressed by a woman I spared way too many times ! This is MY fault !”

And instant later Lexa had her hand on her stinging cheek, her eyes wide open in shock. Clarke had just slapped her. Clarke, her calm, soft Clarke had slapped her.

“Back on earth now ?” she crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow.

Lexa nodded, still aback, and Luna failed to repress an amused snort. The brunette threw a look at her from the corner of her eyes before Clarke started talking again.

“It is nobody’s fault and certainly not yours. We should be glad that the simple solution to this shitty situation is to kill her.”

Lexa frowned. In what killing Nia was a simple task ? “What do you mean ?”

“Just think about it. Grounders recognize strength right ? If you kill the queen, you’ll be recognized as the strongest and even the ice people might bow their head and do what you say right ?”

Of course Lexa had thought about this. Hundreds of times. And that’s why she already knew what was to come.

“Clarke no.”

“Lexa it’s the best solution, and you know it…”

The brunette swallowed, the tension in her body increasing in sync with Clarke’s growing determination.

“It is too dangerous Clarke. I cannot allow it”

Clarke yelled “Lexa we don’t have a choice !”

“STOP !” Octavia had stood from the bed and walked angrily to the two fighting girls “Would it be THAT hard for you to stop using telepathy or eye language or whatever the hell that is, and talk in human words !? Please !?”

Selina started crying and Octavia turned back and took her in her arms to calm her.

Lexa walked to the wall and leaned her back on it. She released an awfully long breath “Clarke wants to approach the queen and kill only her”

“I see.” Luna Just stated and Octavia growled.

“Damn what now ? Doesn’t sound like a bad plan for me ? What’s the problem ?”

Clarke looked at her shoes and Lexa explained “It would be a most likely suicidal infiltration mission only she can do”

Octavia frowned “Clarke she’s saying bullshit right ?”

Averting her eyes the blonde answered “No she is right. Killing the queen is the best way to stop all of that. The thing is that if we kill her there is no guarantee the ice people won’t try to avenge their queen.”

Selina was crying harder and harder, the tension in the small room increasing with each word exchanged and baby cries.

It was Luna’s turn to stand “This sounds like a good idea but we are not limited to you only. We could send someone else”

“ME ! Take me !”

Lincoln yelled “Octavia !”

“Lincoln is right O. You’re a mother, I can’t risk your life or Lincoln’s”

Eyes watering Octavia tried again “Then Lexa ! Or anybody else ! Don’t you have mercenaries or something ? Don’t you have ANY other fucking person to do the job !?”

“We can’t trust strangers Octavia. And Lexa is part of the plan. My goal would just be to infiltrate the ice queen’s circle of trusted people.  Then I find a way for Lexa to approach her, defy her, and win against her in front of her subjects.”

“Clarke this is crazy…” Octavia shook her head still trying to calm Selina at the same time. “Lexa say something, please tell me she isn’t right, that there is another way…”

Lexa thought. Her mind ran wild, searching for a way out, an exit, another option, anything she hadn’t already thought about. In the end she stated “There is no other solution.” Octavia had opened her mouth to talk but Lexa raised a hand to silence her. “For the moment. I can’t think about another solution that is true. But give me some time and I will definitely find something else” She turned to Clarke “I will not put you in danger if I am not sure there is no other way.”

Clarke was going to argue but a raspy cough cut her.

Everyone turned back and Octavia ran to her husband’s feet, the cries of her daughter intensifying “Lincoln ! Clarke do something !”

The man was coughing and spitting an alarming amount of blood “Let me see !” Clarke’s hands started undoing the man’s shirt when strong bloody hands grabbed her wrists. Now the blonde was panicked, Selina’s cries, a room full of tension and Lincoln’s blood… It was too much “Don’t you dare hide anything from me Lincoln ! Let me see !” The man’s hands fell back on his lap and the blonde’s trembling hands took a small knife out of her boot and cut his shirt open.

Bruises

Purple and blue bruises everywhere on a far too white skin.


	13. When the sun has set

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me...?

**Day 163, early morning**

 

“DON’T TOUCH ME !”

“Clarke…”

“Fuck you Lexa ! And fuck Octavia too ! Even Lincoln, fuck EVERYBODY !”

Lexa extended an arm to grab Clarke’s arm and spin her so that she could see her face and Oh what a face it was… The blonde was all tears and pain and despair and Lexa’s heart broke for what felt like the hundredth time in these past hours.

“Clarke”

The girl tried to free her arm but Lexa’s grip was firm “Let me go Lexa !” But the brunette put her arm around Clarke’s waist and pulled her closer. “NO ! Lexa don’t-“ the blonde struggled but she was way too exhausted to win against Lexa’s strong arms.

“Breath Clarke”

“Shut up ! You knew ! You all knew and you said NOTHING ! And I thought I meant something to you !”

Clarke didn’t mean it. Of course she didn’t. Lexa knew it. But it was still so, so painful to hear. Her voice was barely above a broken whisper when she earnestly said “You do Clarke. You do… mean something for us. Please now listen to me”

But Clarke kept struggling, kicking and punching Lexa with all the force her tired limbs could show “No ! Fuck you Lexa ! Let go of me !”

Lexa released Clarke’s arm to hug her as tightly as she could. Eventually, exhaustion and the iron, almost painful embrace won and Clarke’s whole body relaxed, putting all her weight on Lexa and silence fell, only randomly broken by a weak sob or a sniffle. Lexa lowered herself and Clarke so they could rest on their knees.

“Breath Clarke”

After a moment, the blonde buried her face in Lexa’s neck and grabbed her shirt. “Why ?”

Clarke’s voice was weak and broken, tired. “There is no reason for those things to happen. It just happens”

“I feel like death is everywhere Lexa and I’m scared…”

Clarke was right. Death is everywhere. But so is life “You are not responsible Clarke”

The blonde snorted “Of course I am. I’m a doctor. I could have done something”

One of Lexa’s hands came up to gently caress the back of Clarke’s bare head “Your mother was a doctor Clarke, not you. And the very reason you are here crying now is because you know you could not have done anything”

“Still, why not telling me ?” Clarke pulled back and Lexa drowned herself in those cold grey eyes. The girl looked so exhausted, so weak.

“It was Octavia and Lincoln’s will. They wanted to arrive here as soon as possible and they assumed that you would have wanted to stay in Polis and try to find a cure instead of heading to Entis”

Clarke closed her eyes “I’m scared Lexa. I’m scared because of all the blood I already have on my hands and the ghosts of those I killed haunting me. And now my friends are dying and I can’t do anything”

Lexa cupped her cheeks “I know” Yes she knew far too well how it was to feel the breath of death on the nape of her neck constantly. She knew the shadows and the whispers. She knew the pain. She leaned her forehead on the blonde’s *I wish could release you, bear it for you*

Clarke shook her head *You have too much weight to carry already, even if you could I wouldn’t let you*

Silence fell again and Lexa pulled back. Clarke’s eyes were still closed and her cheeks resting in the warmth of her palms. Again Lexa wanted nothing more than just kiss her, prove her that life was there too like Clarke did for her not so long ago, and somehow maybe comfort her. Instead she lowered her hands, gently puling Clarke’s face down and kissed the top of her head.

Then she stood and looking away she said “Maybe we can’t save Lincoln but we have a chance to save our people and we will do what we have to” she looked at Clarke, extending a hand and she hoped the blonde would take it. “I will train you. It will take as long as it takes but I will not let you approach the queen unprepared”

Lexa saw a blue light shine in the grey and Clarke grabbed her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep. I can feel it. You definitely hate me now.


	14. When night knocks at the door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the second time : please don't hate me.

**Day 165**

 

Lexa sighed “Ok let’s take a break”

Clarke fell on her knees “Oh thank god ! You’re ruthless Lexa, if I can walk after that it’ll be a miracle !”

“Two hours and you still can’t hold a sword properly. Another session like this one and I will reconsider your plan…”

“NO ! Please don’t ! I’ll work hard ! Please !”

Lexa turned to hide her smirk. Too easy. “I will go take a look at Lincoln. Rest while I am gone and think about what I taught you”

The brunette distinctly heard Clarke’s depressed sigh before closing the door of the backyard made training ground. Her feet led her easily in the labyrinth of corridors and doors that was Luna’s castle. After a while her pace quickened and a few moments later she was in Lincoln’s room. There, she found the man in his bed playing with his daughter on his lap. On a chair not too far nor close to the bed, Octavia was sitting, gazing at the two most important persons of her life. The young mother looked so broken that Lexa wasn’t sure she would ever be able to heal. Heal. She scoffed to herself. Of course she would never heal. You don’t just heal from those things. Even years and lovers later, the void would still be there, that Lexa was sure of it. She knew more than anyone the feeling of losing the one you were living for. Soon Octavia would be an empty shell, a shadow of herself and Lexa couldn’t do anything to change that. Her brother-like friend was dying and Octavia was shattering right in front of her and she couldn’t do anything. Flashbacks of two winters ago submerged her mind despite her efforts to chase them away and she could feel her knees weaken with each second passing.

“Lexa. How is Clarke doing ?”

The tired voice of Octavia gently brought her back to reality and she was grateful. She cleared her throat “I came to see Lincoln but, I can come back later”

Octavia shook her head “No it’s ok. I need some air anyway. Rooms without windows tend to make me nervous.” She stood and Lexa thought she would crumble not a step later but she somehow made her way to the bed. She lifted Selina, taking her in her arms and instantly her back straightened and her head raised. Her eyes left the ground to look in front of her and Lexa’s heart warmed up.

“I’ll go say hi to Clarke.”

“You remember the way ?” Octavia nodded and exited the room. Lexa sat on the chair. * _How do you feel_?*

The man smiled * _Restrained. Staying in bed is not exactly what I have been made for_ *

Lexa snorted * _Indeed that is true.*_

* _How is Clarke doing ?*_

* _Better than I thought. She is talented. If she trains everyday starting today, she might be ready in less than three month_ *

Lincoln raised an eyebrow, barely holding his smirk * _You mean she will be able to make in three month what took you three years ?_ *

* _Shut up. I was eight_.*

* _She grew up in space_ *

Lexa smiled, defeated * _You’re right. She’s a prodigy. But don’t you dare saying that to her_ *

* _Don’t worry. I know your methods of training. But be careful, she might end up hating you !*_ and he laughed at the suddenly offended face of his commander.

* _I’m not THAT harsh… Am I ?*_

* _You’re a good trainer. But never forget that children are like small animals, they like treats and being praised_ *

Lexa frowned * _Clarke is not a child nor an animal_ *

* _It does not change the fact that you need to reward her sometimes_.*

* _How ? I can’t give her sweets !*_ she laughed lightly.

* _Show her you’re proud of her_ * he paused * _But sweets might do the trick too.*_

Lexa laughed again, more frankly this time * _Maybe !_ * She calmed down and added * _But I’m always proud of her you know ? I’m still convinced I don’t deserve her friendship._ *

Lincoln rolled his eyes * _Can I ask you why, while I should be worried about my family, I worry more about you ? Who’ll scold you for saying those stupid things when I’ll be gone ?*_

Lexa’s smile disappeared * _You know it’s false. I can hear your prayers concerning Octavia from here. But you’re right. Your wife is strong. Probably stronger than I was._ * she thought and shook her head * _No. Stronger than I am.*_

A large but sad smile spread on the man’s face and Lexa wished she had never seen it * _I know. I knew it from the very first time I saw her, that she would be a strong woman. But you know, when we realized that Octavia was pregnant, I promised her I’ll be there the whole time, from the beginning to the end. It seems I won’t be able to keep that promise after all…_ *

Lexa shook her head * _You’re mistaken my friend. You were there when she needed you most and you’ll never leave her side. Death is not the end_ *

* _I know this but_ -* his voice got caught in his throat and he took a deep breath * _Promise me my friend, promise me you’ll be there if she needs you. You and Clarke are the only one I trust enough to do that_ *

Without the shadow of an hesitation, Lexa nodded, standing to lightly squeeze his arm * _I promise you Lincoln_ *

He offered her a small smile * _Thank you. At least I can die in peace now._ * Silence fell and when Lexa heard him take a deep breath, she let herself fall back on her chair, back curled on itself, elbows on her knees. The man brought an arm to his eyes and added, voice broken *I won’t see her grow up Lexa…*

At that the girl’s head dropped, her gaze falling to the ground, lost somewhere, her voice barely above a whisper * _Yes.*_

 

 

 

“Damn what the hell !? For how long have you been rolling on the ground to be so covered in mud !?”

“Dunno and don’t want to. Now be kind and go search for my pride. I think I let it fell somewhere in the corner.”

Octavia laughed. Clarke was sitting on the muddy ground, face turned to the sky, eyes closed, arm pointing to a small island of grass “Lexa can’t be THAT mean right ?” Finally the blonde looked at her with a raised eyebrow, in a mix of despair and disappointment. Octavia laughed again and strangely, Selina followed “Seems like the commander can be something else than a submissive bottom with you after all !”

Clarke sighed “You have no idea… She has been so sweet these past months I almost forgot that the first time I saw her I almost peed my pants. Now I remember the feeling and damn I did not miss it at all…”

“Liar.”

The blonde smirked “Maybe.”

“You plannin’ on sittin’ there in the dirt for the rest of the day or…”

Clarke made her best puppy eyes “Stop reminding me I can’t fucking stand !”

Octavia giggled and went to sit on the bench against the wall on Clarke’s left.

The blonde frowned “What are you doing ?”

“Just waiting for heart eyes to come back and kick your dirty ass.”

Clarke sniffled “You’re mean…”

“Octavia, will you do us the pleasure to stay to watch ?”

Lexa appeared in the small courtyard and Octavia burst out laughing, followed by her daughter once again. Clarke sighed. Lexa smirked. She approached the poor blonde, a piece of cloth in one hand and a flask in the other. The trainer kneeled down in front of her pupil. “Close your eyes and don’t move.” Clarke did as said and Lexa poured some water on the cloth before using it to clean the blonde’s muddy face. Finished with her meticulous cleaning she gave the flask to Clarke “Here, drink.”

The blonde did as said and stopped to look at Octavia when she heard a chuckle. The brunette grinned widely “What a torture indeed…”

Clarke rolled her eyes and Lexa frowned. She had obviously missed something. She shrugged it away though, standing, grabbing the blonde’s shirt, lifting her in the air, putting her on her feet. She picked up the flask and cloth, walked to the bench, placed them there and retrieved two swords. She threw one to Clarke’s feet and approached her again but this time, taking a fighting stance * _Break over. Now we fight.*_

Octavia whistled in awe and Clarke offered her her best ‘told you’ eyes before bending to grab the sword only to be pushed back on the ground, ass in the mud.

“ _Again_.” Lexa ordered and from behind she could hear Selina’s laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me I need it for my plot... I promise you some fluff for the next chapters.


	15. Fake hapiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is fluffy. But like super fluffy. And funny too. but after that it'll be a really angsty marathon so... Yeah I wanted this chapter to be full of joy and smiles and rainbows and unicorns. Well... maybe not that much but you'll see.  
> Also, my beta and best friend started writing again. If by any chance you're part of the hollstein (carmilla) fandom then go take a look http://archiveofourown.org/works/4810814/chapters/11013785 (It's a good story, you'll love it I swear !)

Day 169

“RAAAAh !”

*Thud*

“Lexa !”

The brunette sighed “How many times did I asked you not to scream when you fight ? Be SILENT”

Clarke stood from the ground, rubbing her poor butt “I’m TRYING !”

Lexa shook her head. “Let’s try something else.” She thought for a moment and Clarke used that little break to drink some water. “What if I gagged you ?”

At that Clarke spat out all the water she had in her mouth to the commander’s face then coughed loudly for a few seconds *Excu*cough*se me !?” Despite the water dripping down her face, Lexa was smirking. And Clarke’s eyes opened wide “Wait… It… It was a… a JOKE !? You… Commander Lexa made A FUCKING JOKE !? Like, an intended, calculated JOKE !?”

The brunette was frowning now. Why was that SO surprising ? She straightened her back and crossed her arms on her chest. “Yes and you emptied your mouth on my face.”

Clarke made a face “Ew… Said like that…”

“What ? It is true.”

“This is water.”

“That has been in your mouth.”

“Ok you have a point, I’m sorry. Can I, maybe make it up to you somehow ?” She asked with a sheepish smile.

Lexa smirked again “Drink it back.”

Clarke’s jaw dropped “Y-Y-Y-You mean… The water on your face !?”. The brunette just nodded. She was serious. “Oh my god… Lexa I-…I-“ The blonde stopped mid-sentence when she heard some silent snorting and giggling coming from the bushes behind Lexa. Clarke almost growled. She took of one of her boots and raised it in the air. She glared at Lexa and the brunette understood. She raised her hands in surrender and moved on the right. All obstacles out of her way, Clarke finally threw her shoe at the laughing bush, as hard as she could. She earned a satisfying ‘Ouch’ and ran to the bush. She grabbed a shirt and pulled, extracting her friend from her hiding place.

“Octavia ! You have exactly 5 seconds to explain what you were doing in there !”

The girl too raised her hands “I’m sorry, I just thought that sharing my wonderful humour with heart eyes could be funny” Octavia tried to hold back but when her eyes fell on the commander’s still dripping face she burst out laughing.

The blonde literally dragged her friend to Lexa’s feet “And you agreed !?”

Lexa shrugged “It was kinda funny”

“K-K-K KINDA !?” Clarke looked at Octavia, now rolling on the ground hugging her sides. “Octavia I want you to stop teaching her weird stuff !”

A minute or two later Octavia managed to recover and stand. With a hand on Clarke’s shoulder she said “Relax princess”

“Relax !? RELAX !?” She shrugged her friend’s hand away “You’re teaching the commander how to act as a delinquent !”

“Um… Clarke, if I may say-“ Lexa tried but Clarke cut her.

“Shut up and wait for your turn !” Lexa jumped. Clarke was mad at her… Sad, she stepped aside and did as said. And Octavia laughed again.

“Come on Clarke don’t speak like I’d just broken heart eyes.” Clarke tried to slap her shoulder but the brunette dodged and stepped in front of Lexa “Hey Lex, raise your left hand” the commander did as said and immediately Octavia slapped her hand yelling “High five !” before dashing into the woods.

Clarke growled in anger again, pulling at her hair “God this girl ! And she’s supposed to be a mother !”

“Clarke ?” asked Lexa in a small voice.

“What ?!”

Nervously the brunette licked her lips, she just HAD TO ask “What’s ‘heart eyes’ ?”

Clarke face palmed and swore to herself she’d kill Octavia the next time she’d see her.

 

 

 

**Day 176**

 

“Well, well, well. How are my children doing ?”

Octavia jumped. Luna was really something… She had learned to like her and all but damn… Yeah she was… _something_.

“Luna, you don’t have to come check on me every couple of hours. Clarke and Octavia are doing this job well enough already.” Lincoln said with a smile.

The woman huffed “You thought I came for you ? Nonsense.” She turned to the little girl on the man’s lap “I came for her ! My adorable grandchild !”

Clarke’s eyes widened, Octavia’s jaw dropped, Lincoln rolled his eyes and Lexa… face palmed. She had learned that from Octavia and quite appreciated the meaning of it.

Luna seemed surprised “What ? We don’t have the same blood nor the same people but I raised you young man !”

This time Lexa laughed, laugh tainted by a little bit of what Octavia identified later as jealousy, and once again the two sky people got startled “And I thought you had a good memory… You raised ME Luna. All he did was coming from time to time.”

The woman squinted her eyes and approached the commander “Well I raised the wrong one ! I mean, I should’ve known you’d never give me grandchildren but still !”

She sighed and Clarke asked with a frown “You can’t have children ?” Luna burst out laughing but Lexa just crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow. Then, and it was really funny to watch, Clarke realised and her face shifted from one expression to another in a matter of millisecond “Oh… Oh ! Oh shit… I- I- I’m sorry ! I didn’t… You know what forget it ! Forget I said that !”

Lexa was going to say that she would never forget anything coming out of Clarke’s mouth (yes the spat water counts) but the blonde got saved by one of Selina’s laughs. 

“Haaah… I remember how cute you were when you were a baby Lexa…”

“Luna. When we met for the first time I was around twelve.”

The woman shrugged “Yes, that’s exactly what I said.”

Then the commander saw something cross Octavia’s features. She saw the mischievous expression and the ghost of a smirk on her lips when she threw a look at Luna, then Clarke, then Lexa. The brunette had a bad feeling about this…

“Luna, do you have, by any chance, any kind of stories to tell us ? About Lexa as a kid I mean.”

Octavia saw Lexa’s eyes widen in fear while Clarke’s shone with curiosity and Luna’s face showed a mix of nostalgia, love and devilish intentions.

“I have TONS of them ! What kind do you want ?” the woman said, turning to Octavia and Clarke eagerly.

Octavia shrugged “The most embarrassing ones, of course !”

Lexa wanted to run away. To flee and hide because she knew perfectly well what kind of stories Luna loved to tell and as much as she was scared that Clarke could hear them the idea of herself being in the same room when it happened was sickeningly scarier. But when slim, pale, soft fingers intertwined with hers, all of this disappeared leaving her empty of any kind of fear and full of the feeling that she was meant to be here.

“Come on Lexa, sit with me.” Were the blonde’s words that Lexa had managed to remember only years after, because Clarke’s touch at that time had made her deaf.

Of course Lexa did as said and sat cross-legged on the ground in front of Luna that had sat on the bed at Lincoln’s feet, Selina on her lap while Octavia was on the chair near her husband.

Octavia’s inner demon was proud. Her plan to embarrass the commander was perfect. Well until Clarke had managed to turn her off. With her hand in Lexa’s the blonde had broken all of Octavia’s hopes. The commander had completely disconnected, having eyes only for Clarke and ‘ _if human could kill with heart eyes, Clarke would’ve been dead buried and decomposed by now’_ the mother thought. But whatever. She was still going to learn embarrassing things about the commander. That simple thought brought back a smirk on her face.

“I see. Let me think… What about that time she fell in a cesspool and smelled like cow faeces for days ?”

Lincoln shook his head with a grin. He had obviously waited for this story. Later, Octavia learned that it was Luna’s favourite. The young mother was eagerly nodding her head. This story sounded like the kind you could use to blackmail someone (not that it was her intention of course).

It was the word ‘cesspool’ and Clarke’s giggle that violently dragged Lexa back to reality. “NO please Luna don’t !” She was ready to stand but Clarke clenched her hand, throwing her a deadly look, silently commanding her to sit back down. Luna laughed in sync with Selina when Lexa’s butt made contact with the ground again, averting her eyes.

“She said too much already. You can’t stop that Lexa.” Clarke’s words made Lexa’s heart race and gave her cold sweat. She swallowed thickly, now only waiting for the sword of her past to bury its blade into her heart.

“Ok so Lexa was 14 if I remember correctly….”

***

_She had been training for two hours in a row when she finally decided she could take a break. But when she turned to the sack of food, she saw a grey ball of fur tearing its head out of the sack, Lexa’s delicious, wonderful, divine apple bread in its mouth._

_*Give it back !* She yelled at the animal as she was starting to run after it._

_The beast looked obese but was strangely agile on the forest’s ground. So quick and clever, in its natural element, that Lexa was having a hard time chasing it. Finally after a ten minutes run the thief was starting to slow down. The girl thought that it would be too tired to run in no time and that she could finally catch it and turn it into new gloves. And she was right. The poor thing was exhausted so it rushed to the farm nearby. Lexa followed it in the cow field, in the henhouse, near the dog’s kennel to finally come at a stop at the foot of a giant tree._

_*Here we are… You might be used to the forest but I’m from tree people you little- !* Yes Lexa was polite. Too polite. She had been surrounded by warriors (and Anya, a not insignificant swear words source) but she had managed to stay how her parents had raised her, incapable of using swearwords. *You piece of glove material !* she finally yelled as she started climbing the tree. A minute or two later she had reached the animal. Well. Almost. She was only one branch under it and the poor thing was too frightened to move. But then it had the bad idea of letting the content of its mouth fall and in an attempt to catch it, Lexa fell._

_In her tumble, she hit a few branches, one almost knocking her out. That’s probably why when she fell into a thick liquid instead of the ground it didn’t shocked her. Until… Until the alarmed screams of a woman and a foul smell flooded her nose. Her eyes opened wide in realisation and she looked at her body, sitting into a huge basin, half immersed. When she heard the woman yell *Watch out !* pointing to the sky, the girl looked up only to feel her face being covered by some heavy, smelly fur and her back being plunged into the basin at the shock. An instant later, the fur on her face had disappeared, leaving her lain down in a cesspool. She stood slowly, trying to ignore the smell and the unpleasant feeling of manure running down her whole body in a steady flow. She tried to ignore the fact that her favourite training gear would be burn by the end of the day with, probably, the majority of her hair…_

_She swallowed back a sob and held back her tears. She wasn’t sure if ‘jus drein, jus daun’ could be applicable to animal but she swore on that day she’d make herself a new pair of gloves out of this beast’s pelt._

***

“When she came home I had my handmaids peal her out of her clothes and cut her hair short. But even after five bathes she was still smelling like cow shit and pee. I put her in quarantine until she finally smelled like a human being again.”

Octavia burst out laughing, Lincoln chuckled and Lexa’s face was so flushed and hot she thought that maybe it would be enough to melt the ice queen. But the worst came when she finally looked at Clarke. The poor girl was obviously facing an internal struggle. Her arms were squeezing her belly, her eyes were shut and the corner of her lips were twitching uncontrollably as her body was jolting.

Lexa rolled her eyes before finally releasing the girl “Go ahead and laugh, Clarke.”

This was all the girl needed. She laughed louder than Octavia and cried her eyes out. At some point she managed to say ‘that explains a lot of things !’ but besides that all the sounds escaping her mouth were laughs and giggles. The feeling of being mocked by the woman she cared about was terrible for Lexa but the sight of Clarke, and everyone around her looking truly happy for the first time in… no. for the first time, it was endearing and she ended up laughing with them.

 

 

**Day 183**

 

“OH MY GOD that feels so good !”

Lexa laughed. “I did not know you had missed hot springs so much.”

“Let’s just say I had gotten used to it in two years and half.”

Lexa sat in the water next to Clarke “I missed it too.” She said with a smile “And this source is outdoor. We can bathe while looking at the forest.”

Clarke shrugged “I preferred ours.” For a moment Lexa wondered if the ‘our’ included her. She was on the verge of asking when Clarke spoke again. “I hadn’t seen you naked in a while too.” Lexa blushed slightly “Your wounds have healed correctly. The scars aren’t ugly.” Lexa just nodded.

There was a huge, very old scar that had always intrigued Clarke. A cross shaped cut just above Lexa’s left breast. The brunette jumped when the blonde traced it with her finger. “What happened ?”

Lexa swallowed thickly. But she surprised herself. Her voice wasn’t strangled when she said “Costia.” She took a deep breath and continued. *When someone’s heart is crossed it means that they lost a lover.* Then Lexa grabbed one of her feet, showing the sole. *Feet are for the ones who taught you how to walk.* she turned and pointed one of her shoulder blades *This place are for siblings*

*But there’s no scar ?*

*Soon there will be.* she said turning back to face the blonde.

Clarke didn’t answered. Instead she resumed her previous ministrations, crossing Lexa’s heart again, and again, and again. Until she stopped with a frown. “Lexa, can I take your pulse for a minute ?”

Lexa nodded and Clarke put one hand on the brunette’s pulse point and one hand on her own. After a minute she exclaimed “Damn Lexa your heart beats so fast !”

Lexa knew her attraction for Clarke. Lexa knew that Clarke was naked right next to her. Lexa knew that that kind of situation could make her feel uneasy or stressed. But she was used to it and didn’t feel particularly tense. She was normal and when she rested one hand on her heart she found nothing surprising. But Clarke was frowning furiously.

“Is that normal for you ?”

“I think so.”

“Really ? You don’t feel weird or dizzy or…?”

Lexa cocked her head to the side “No, nothing like that. I feel completely normal. Relaxed even.”

“Oh…” Clarke was perplexed but eventually dropped it and shrugged. “Maybe it’s ‘cause you’re sportive or something like that. Or maybe the hot water.” She finally stated before lying down in the water.

 

Ten minutes later Clarke had sat back next to Lexa and the brunette noticed her insistent gaze “What is it ?”

Clarke gently grabbed Lexa’s jaw with one hand and pulled “Let me see your face for a minute.” Lexa did as said and leaned closer. The blonde analysed the three scars on Lexa’s face “What you did that day. It was reckless.”

“It was. But I had to.”

“Indeed. And you could be dead.”

“Yes but I am not.”

Clarke focused on Lexa’s eyes, dropping her hand, just staring at the girl in front of her. Then something completely surreal happened. Or not, Lexa wasn’t sure. She saw the blonde look down at what could’ve only been her lips then with an expression Lexa couldn’t quite identified at that time, she looked back into Lexa eyes and asked “Don’t you have something to tell me ?”

Lexa frowned “To tell you ?”

Suddenly Clarke pulled back “Ok no, forget it. It’s not- It was stupid sorry. Just- Just forget I ever asked that.” Lexa wanted to push the girl to talk but in an instant Clarke had stood and was drying herself. Then with a sad smile she added “I’m going. I feel that if I stay a minute longer my motivation for today’s training will fade.” Lexa stood and Clarke added in a hurry “Oh you, you can stay a little longer if you want, I’m just gonna do some stretching and prepare for later !”

Lexa shook her head “I am coming. I am your trainer, I need to watch you.”

Clarke stayed silent until they reached the training area they had settled in a clearing and Lexa wondered if the blonde was hiding something from her.

 

 

 

**Day 190**

 

“Here they are ! How’s the training going ?”

“Luna” Clarke bowed and the woman did the same.

“She’s improving.”

“Two short swords huh ?” the woman noticed.

Lexa nodded as Clarke was showing her blades to Luna “Clarke had never trained her arms before so she was uneasy with heavy weapons. We also tried daggers but she wasn’t quick enough. She wasn’t bad with spear but her balance was off. And then I thought about this. Short light swords.”

The woman nodded in acknowledgement taking the blade in her hands, observing it with attention “It is a good choice. I will ask my blacksmith to forge the best blades he can for you.”

Clarke bowed again but lower, in recognition. “Thank you Luna”

The woman smiled then in a swift move she attacked Lexa with the blade. Clarke gasped but Lexa had dodged and squat on the ground, a smirk on her lips. “I taught you well child.” Stated Luna with a smile. “What about a duel ?”

“Weapons or fists ?”

“Weapons.”

“One in particular or all ?”

Luna’s grin widened “All.”

Lexa echoed her mentor’s grin by one of her own “Let’s gather the weapons then !”

Twenty minutes later weapons of all sorts were scattered on the fences of the backyard, changed into some kind of large boxing ring. Luna had changed clothes. She was in simple pants and tank top and Octavia, that had joined Clarke in the meantime, released a ‘Whoa badass !’ in awe at the woman’s muscled arms. Lexa heard and huffed. The brunette was in only her bindings and shorts. She was sure the girl could see all her muscles too. Why was Octavia so surprised by Luna when her own body was probably in even better shape ?

The two warriors were in the centre of the ring waiting for a sign to start the fight. Octavia could swear she had never seen Lexa so serious, concentrated and happy at the same time. Who knows why, Selina laughed but at the sound, the two women jumped on a weapon at the same time before taking fighting stances.

Lexa had a sword and Luna a spear.

“Not a very wise choice my dear…”

“You should not underestimate me Luna.”

And Lexa threw herself at the woman so fast Clarke barely saw her move. Now the brunette was slicing in weird angles, never breaking eye contact with her mentor, but all her attacks were countered. Lexa was fast but Luna sure was strong and knew how to fight. It was like she could read Lexa’s every movement even before the girl had thought about them. Octavia remembered what Indra told her one day. It will always be hard for a pupil to beat their master because the master’s knowledge is their student’s knowledge plus experience. But still the young mother was surprised. Lexa was leading the fight, slowly pushing the woman to one of the fences. When the woman’s back hit the fence she discarded her spear for Clarke’s double swords.

“What are the rules ?” the blonde finally asked in a whisper.

“Both of them have five different weapons. Spear, sword, sabre, double blades and daggers. When one weapon hit the ground it is lost for the rest of the fight. Right now Lexa has all her weapons left but Luna just lost her spear. The first unarmed fighter is the loser.”

 

An hour and half later, both fighters were exhausted but they were still fighting as if they were in their first ten minutes only. Octavia was watching attentively, learning as many things as she could.

From her spot on the ring, Lexa could see awe in Clarke’s eyes and it made her heart swell with pride.

“Stop devouring her with your eyes and concentrate child !” The woman said as Lexa barely managed to dodge her attack.

Both women had only one weapon left, daggers for Lexa and sabre for Luna.

After a few minutes Selina laughed and suddenly the woman turned to her yelling “Oh my cute honey is encouraging her grand-ma !”

“Focus old woman !” Lexa attacked and this time Luna was the one to barely counter.

Both women laughed before charging at each other again. They danced like that until Luna made a mistake. Her foot slipped a little and an instant later Lexa’s blade was on her throat. Octavia whispered “Clarke I think we just found the pride you lost last month !” and the blonde answered with a humourless laugh.

“You fought well child.”

As the two women were praising each other in words Octavia couldn’t hear, she turned to the blonde. The poor Clarke had her jaw open, almost drooling.

With a mischievous smile, Octavia teased “So, fucking sweaty waists covered in scars are your thing huh ?”

Clarke slapped her friend on her shoulder “Hush. It’s hot. Can’t help it.”

“What’s hot ?” asked Lexa with a smile, breath still uneven.

Clarke blushed furiously and stuttered “Th-The weather !”

“I guess you’re right. It’s spring after all !”

Clarke was looking at Lexa in a perfect mix of awe, admiration, endearment and hunger.

Luna poked Octavia’s shoulder to have her attention and whispered in her ear “Why aren’t they eating each other out already ?”

The young mother almost choked on her own saliva at the leader of the boat people’s words. It was crazy how much the woman resembled Octavia and sometimes it literally scared the hell out of the young brunette. Octavia cleared her throat before answering “Look at Lexa.”

Luna did and sighed. The girl was glowing, smiling like an idiot, completely oblivious. “I think I missed something in her education…”


	16. Night in reality's bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, some people said that the last chapter was too fuffy and I agree but it had been made to go with this one. Plus there is a reason to why some very important stuff are barely explained or just seems 'rushed' because the chapter is short or there's no details to explain the how of the what. You'll understand everything in the last chapter I promise so, just wait a little and don't think I skipped some stuff because I was lazy. The end of this story is planned since chapter 3 and, some details put aside, I'm following what I had decided. 
> 
> Anyway I hope you'll like this chapter and those coming next as much as you loved the first.

**Day 195**

 

“Lexa… I want a tattoo”

The poor brunette choked on her boar “Wh- *cough* What !?”

“Yes. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.”

Lexa frowned “But it’s for warriors.”

Clarke raised a defying eyebrow “And what do you think I am ?”

It hit Lexa like one of Luna’s best kicks. Suddenly her stomach and chest felt heavy. How ? How had she forgotten about that ? Clarke became warrior the moment she put a foot on the ground. But at some point Lexa had forgotten. For a moment Clarke had become a farmer, almost a housewife and a mother. And now little by little Clarke was climbing back on her throne and it was Lexa’s fault. How was she realising that just now ? She should have known, she should have come here alone, she should have-

“For god’s sake Lexa please stop thinking !”

“But Cl-“

“NO !” Clarke almost yelled “I don’t want to hear that. I know what you’re thinking and I’m telling you : the past cannot be changed so be happy with the present you have and your possible future. *I* chose to come with you even when you told me not to. *I* chose my path” She stood from her chair only to kneel down in front of Lexa and taking her hands she said “Nothing is your fault Lexa. So please let me get a tattoo…”

“THIS. Is the most RIDICULOUS teenager rebellion I have ever seen…”

Clarke sighed “We were having a moment Octavia.”

“You on your knees in front of Lexa ? Could have been.” Clarke looked profoundly shocked and offended and Lexa wondered why. “But honestly it was so pitiful I HAD to intervene I’m sorry…”

“But I want a tattoo !”

How this scene that started as something way too serious ended up as one of Clarke/Octavia’s typical gag scenes, Lexa didn’t know but she wasn’t complaining. Finally the brunette sighed “You can have a tattoo.”

“Really ?” Clarke looked too much like a little girl. And she called herself a warrior…

“Yes. I will tattoo what you want.”

The blonde frowned and Octavia chuckled “You ?”

“Yes. If we were in Polis I would take you to my tattooist but we are not and I do not trust an artist I do not know.”

The truth, and Octavia knew it, was that being tattooed by someone else than a tattooist or a member of the family was forbidden. Except… Lovers. Lincoln had given her her tattoo. She wondered if the blonde knew.

Clarke blushed furiously but nodded.

Yes she definitely knew. Octavia sighed. The blonde was so obvious, why was Lexa so oblivious seriously ?

 

 

“Here we are. Where do you want it ?”

Clarke’s eyes widened “Where ?”

“Your tattoo.”

“Oh… Yeah of course.” She shook her head and laughed and Lexa didn’t understand wondered if it was another sky people thing. “My right hand. I want it to cover my hand like gloves, wait I drew a model.”

On the paper Clarke gave to Lexa, was a complex mix of lines and curves and spirals. It was beautiful. It would cover the back of the hand and fingers and would extend until a few inches above the wrist.

“It is very refined.”

“Three hundred. There are three hundred lines.”

The number sounded terribly familiar “Clarke you don’t have to-“

“But I want to. I burned them alive. They were human and I burned them alive. Their blood is on my hands and here-“ she took out another paper “is for my palm. Twelve lines for Finn’s kill and the rest is for the mountain men. Finn killed for me and this hand pulled the lever that killed the families in mount weather.”

It was crazy. “It will hurt.”

“I don’t care”

Lexa swallowed thickly. It would take them hours. But the blonde smiled at her and she agreed “Fine. But it will be long. Maybe we will need a few days. I am not sure your skin, especially your palm can take it in only one time.”

“It’s ok with me. But then you should start now, I still need training after all.”

And Clarke laughed for the last time in the next seven hours.

 

Four days later the tattoo was finished and it came out even better than on Clarke’s drawing. And it suited the girl pretty well.

“Lexa… Before you tidy everything up um… Could you tattoo something on my left hand too ? It’s just a little thing. Oh and I could like to give you a tattoo too. To thank you.”

“I agree for your left hand but you are not-“

“NO discussion. I want to thank you. Will you let me ?”

Lexa’s eyes fell on Clarke’s other hand and with a small smile she nodded.

 

 

**Day 201**

 

Lexa loved spring. She loved the colourful fields and baby animals, she loved the weather, not too hot nor cold. For the first time in years this day she lied down on the fresh grass and closed her eyes. The early afternoon’s sun was warm on her face and it smelled like honey.

“How is he ?” she asked without moving.

She felt someone lie down next to her “Not good.” Clarke answered casually.

“What happened ?”

“He caught a cold.”

“A simple cold ?”

“Yes but his disease makes it worse.”

Since she had learned about Lincoln’s condition, Lexa had been afraid to ask. She had been afraid because besides a few crisis, a white skin and unexplained bruises, he looked alright. But now that it was impossible for her to ignore her friend’s disease, she had to ask “How ?”

Lexa heard Clarke take a deep breath “His disease is called leukaemia. You know that blood is vital right ?”

“Mhm.”

“But do you know why ?”

Lexa sat and the blonde mimicked her “It makes the heart beat ?”

“Yes but that’s not all. You remember when I told you that we were made of cells ?” The brunette remembered. It had taken her some time to acknowledge the fact that her body and every living thing was composed of millions of really, really small things. Lexa nodded and Clarke pursued “Well your blood carries cells. Red cells, responsible for the colour of the blood and also the ones carrying the particles you breathe through your body. Do you understand ?”

“Not really.”

“Ok well it’s not really important. Anyway there are two other types of cells. White cells. Those are the “defenders” of your body. White cells are the ones fighting infections and sickness. When you’re sick, it means bad cells are inside your body and those white cells are there to neutralize them. You’re following me ?”

“Yes.”

“And there are the flat cells. Those cells are the ones your body use to close your wounds. When you cut yourself flat cells rush to the wound to plug it. Still with me ?”

“I understand what you are saying but not what it means for Lincoln.”

“Yeah I know. The problem with Lincoln is that red cells, white cells and flat cells are in small number. Do you know what a bruise is ? It happens when the tubes that carries your blood break. It’s a small internal bleeding. The problem with Lincoln is that those tubes are really fragile and break easily and because the flat cells are deficient those tubes can’t heal correctly.” Lexa could’ve said to Clarke that she knew what bruises and blood vessels were but the blonde seemed so caught up in what she was saying that she just listened “Also because of the lack of red cells, Lincoln’s skin appears very white. And because his white cells are weak his body can’t fight the bad cells brought by his cold.”

“Is that… deadly ?”

Clarke lied down again “It can be. But there is nothing we can do. Before the bombs humanity had ways to cure this disease but now, on the ground, there’s nothing we can do… Even if I know how it works I’m still powerless…”

Lexa could only imagine how Clarke felt. It was probably like knowing how to defeat an enemy with a sword but without having any weapon to fight with. Having the knowledge but not the tools. Knowing perfectly how to save a friend but being in the impossibility to do it. Lexa looked at the girl next to her, eyes closed and short blonde hair glowing. Clarke was beautiful and strong and Lexa felt this pull once again. But this time too, instead of finally resting her lips on the blonde’s she held back and lied back down.

They stayed like that, in silence, for what felt like an hour or so. Just there in this field, surrounded by buzzing life and colours. Lexa knew that just like her, Clarke was trying to push away the moment they’d have to go back to the dark, closed, heavy bubble that was Lincoln’s room.

“You grounders believe in reincarnation right ? That death is not the end ?”

“Yes”

“How does it work ?”

“When someone die, we burn the bodies to free the spirit. Like that, the spirit can find itself a new vessel.”

“Any kind ?”

“Yes. A spirit can choose whatever vessel it wants. The commander’s spirit is the only one limited to human beings.”

“The spirit can choose ?”

“Yes. There is a legend saying that if the spirit has left someone behind in the world of the livings, it will try to choose a life close to this someone.”

“Does that mean that, if Lincoln… If he…”

Clarke paused. Lexa wouldn’t let the words come out “Yes. If Lincoln passes away one day the chances for his spirit to join Octavia in a way or another are high. The spirit however, in order to come back has to leave all its memories behind.”

“But there’s a chance he’ll stay close right ? Even if he doesn’t remember”

“Yes.”

“Can I believe too ?”

“What you believe in or not is up to you Clarke. But faith can warm hearts.”

 

 

**Day 206**

 

The past few days had been excruciating for everyone. Selina’s cries and the smokes of the burning pyre had taken away Clarke, Lexa and Octavia’s last remnants of energy. Lincoln’s agony had been long. Five days. Five days he had spent away from his daughter in a closed room. Five days Octavia had spent hoping. Five days Clarke had spent crying. Five days Lexa had spent bleeding internally, witness of her brother’s death, her friend’s suffering and Clarke’s shattering. The woman she loved had been breaking apart in front of her eyes and all she could do was watch.

 

*How’s Selina ?*

“Asleep finally. But she won’t let go of his shirt…”

Lexa sighed *She knows what happened. She wants his scent. Children are sensitive to smells.*

Octavia leaned her back on the wall “She’s barely one year old, how ?”

Lexa weakly shook her head *Kids can feel those things. But she should feel better in a few days.*

“I hope so.”

*When was the last time you slept ?”

Octavia thought for a moment then in a humourless laugh she voiced the terrible truth “I don’t remember.”

*Then go take a nap. I’ll stay close to Selina.*

“But you haven’t slept either, I can’t.”

“Your daughter can feel it when you’re weak. Be strong and she will be. And you cannot be strong without sleep. Luna left some medicine in your room. It should help you relax.”

Something unusual happened then. Something both girls would’ve never thought possible a few months ago. Octavia wrapped her arms around Lexa’s waist and the commander hugged her back.

“Thank you Lexa. He loved you and I learned to like you too. I consider you as my friend and I hate it when my friends doesn’t feel good.” Octavia pulled back “Wake me up in two hours ok ?”

Lexa couldn’t make promises she knew she wouldn’t keep. So she just nodded and Octavia slowly disappeared in a corridor. Lexa stepped into Selina’s new room. It was small. But perfect for a baby. She reached the cradle and looked at the little girl hidden under a brown piece of cloth that one day was Lincoln’s. Poor girl. Being in pain but not quite understanding why. She’d miss her father for sure. Even with Octavia and Clarke around it wouldn’t be the same. Now that she was looking at her more closely, Lexa could tell how much the girl looked like her father. Sure she resembled Octavia a lot but somehow, now the brunette could recognize Lincoln in her. Now that he was gone. Now that it was too late to compare Selina to him. Lexa knew far too well the pang of regret that could hit you after you lost someone you loved. That moment when you start to think that what you did for the dead was not enough, that you never spoke enough with them, and you start to rewrite your life with ‘what ifs’. Lexa knew the feeling because she’d been living with it constantly since her parent’s death. It was always there in a corner, always there reminding you what you could’ve done. As Heda Lexa couldn’t let herself sink into this feeling. But now that she wasn’t the commander, at least for the moment, she felt like her heart could crumble any time. She hadn’t cried yet. She couldn’t cry. Even when the smokes had stung her eyes and forced her to blink. Even when Clarke fell on her knees, mouthing thousands of ‘sorry’ to a pile of ashes. Even when she saw Octavia cross her heart with a knife. Not even when Luna’s dagger had sliced deep into the flesh of her own shoulder. But the tears were there, Lexa knew it, they were there somewhere, hidden, held captive in her swollen heart.

“Oh you’re here ?”

The whisper startled Lexa. She smiled at her own fatigue. She’d always known when Clarke was approaching. But not this time. She turned to look at the blonde “Clarke. You are supposed to be in bed.” Lexa gently pushed the blonde out and closed the door behind them.

Clarke shrugged “I couldn’t sleep.” She leaned her back on the wall next to the door pretty much like Octavia had not so long ago.

“You should try again.”

“Only if you come with me.”

Lexa shook her head “I promised Octavia I will stay with Selina.”

“Then I’ll stay with you.” Clarke let herself fall on the ground and Lexa sat next to her, as close as she could without touching her. A long moment passed in complete silence until Clarke broke it “When Lissa and Bran died, I… It was hard for me. I barely knew them but they’d somehow managed to make me forget about death so when they passed away, when I realise that I’d never see them again, that the two persons that had meant life for me had just vanished, I almost gave up.” Clarke had always talked about the couple with a smile, even when she had been evoking their death. But now she seemed just hollow, elsewhere, probably reliving things that were slowly eating her away and Lexa ached. Once again, she was powerless. “But then your words resounded in my ears.” The brunette turned to Clarke, eyebrows raised “’The pain will never go away,’ and I wondered how you survived.”

Lexa cocked her head to one side “Survived ?”

“Your life. I wondered how you’d managed to survive your life like you did when all the people around you fell, when the queen took Costia.”

“Clarke-“

The blonde cut her “I’m not finished. The one who saved me was Octavia. It was hard at first. A piece of my past had caught me up, had pierced the bubble of tranquillity that was the farm. But when I delivered Selina and she cried I realised that babies were still being born outside of my small world, that life was still there. And that you can’t live only for yourself. Humans can’t live on their own. When Octavia and Lincoln entered my life again I found myself a new ‘mission’. I had a new goal. You, had your people. You’d always had someone waiting for you, expecting things from you, Lincoln, Anya, Luna then your entire people.”

Silence fell and Lexa thought. It was true. She had never been alone, not really. Suffering had always been there but never in her life had someone let her break, that someone being her friends, her people or herself. Well, not until she fell in this river a few month ago.

“Remember when I told you that life should be about more than just surviving ?”

Pink tainted lightly Lexa’s blank cheeks when she answered “Yes. I do.”

Clarke smiled “Well, maybe you weren’t surviving after all. Maybe even *I* wasn’t. I mean, if life is having a goal or someone you care about then even if your entire environment wants you dead and you have to fight for your life, as long as you have something ‘to live for’ then it’s not surviving.”

Clarke’s point of view was interesting. She had never seen things this way. But then who are the ones surviving ? Prisoners ? People to whom we stole the liberty to have something to live for ?

Lexa had lost herself in her thoughts about life and death when Octavia arrived. She looked pissed “Lexa I asked you to wake me up.”

The brunette frowned “you said to wake you up in 2 hours, it hadn’t been that long”

The mother raised an eyebrow “It’s been 3 hours…” Lexa’s eyes widened in shock. She couldn’t have been thinking like that for nearly two hours… “You should take her to a bed and cover her. I’ve seen enough sickness in this place for the rest of my life”

That’s the moment Lexa noticed the weight on her shoulder. She turned her head and short blond hair caught her eyes. The calm, steady rhythm of Clarke’s breath made Lexa smile, finally she was sleeping. She carried the blonde to the bed Luna had lend her. She lied her down carefully and sat on the edge of the bed. She ran her fingers on the blonde’s scalp. Her hair was short but soft, like the furs of some white domestic rabbits. But as much as she tried to, Lexa couldn’t chase away her breath taking first meeting with Clarke and the way her blonde locks glowed when she entered her tent. The girl’s face had been bruised, her hair dirty and clothes torn but still, when she had stepped into the tent she was glowing. So yes. Lexa wanted Clarke’s hair back. She wanted it long, wanted to be able to curl it around her finger and feel like she had the sun in her hands. But Clarke’s hair were short. For now.

She gave the girl’s scalp one last stroke and went to stand but a weak hand grabbed her arm.

“Stay.”

Lexa thought for a minute, wondering if Clarke would sleep better alone or not. But then she remembered their previous conversation. For the moment she was not Heda. For the moment, Clarke was the most important thing for her. For the moment she could give in to the pull in her gut and lie down next to her, take her in her arms protectively and try to soothe the storm of pain that she knew was still raging in Clarke’s shivering body. For the moment, this heart breaking, painful moment, she could let herself live.

 

**Day 220**

 

“You knew I’d have to fight since the very beginning. You trained me. I’m ready Lexa.”

“No you’re not. Yes you’re stronger. But not strong enough to throw yourself in the bear’s cave.  I can’t let you do that. Not alone.” The brunette‘s axe met another poor piece of wood, splitting it in two in a loud thud.

“But that’s our only solution.” Clarke stepped closer.

“No. This is not a solution. We’re not even sure it can work.” The axe split the air again.

“But it could work.”

This time the axe stayed standing in the tree stump she was using as a support “I will not stay here and watch as you charm and marry Nia’s son.”

Clarke closed the distance between them and looked right into the brunette’s eyes “Everything will be fake. It’s a cover nothing more and if he try anything I’ll cut his hands” she said with a small smile but Lexa didn’t relaxed. The blonde sighed “Octavia will be with me and scouts will inform you. We can’t take the risk to take you back to TonDC. What if someone recognised you ? We can’t play fair against the ice queen. We need to lie and fake and win and this occasion we have now is gold. We can approach her, earn her trust and kill her without any loss.”

The violence in Lexa’s heart calmed down. She knew the plan had chances to work and that they didn’t have a choice but… “You could die.” She said, a shaky breath escaping her.

Clarke put a hand on the brunette’s cheek and she smiled “I won’t.”

Lexa leaned in the touch, tried to forget that what she was about to accept could kill the woman she loved “I can’t lose you…” she whined and Clarke swallowed.

“I know. That’s why I’ll come back.”

The brunette gently covered Clarke’s hand with her own and rested their foreheads together, watery green meeting worried blue “If anything happens, if something goes wrong, give up on the plan and run away. Don’t even try to reach us, just run away.”

“Ok.” The blonde promised with a nod.

But Lexa’s nervousness was still there and every cells in her body ached when she said “Alright. But a week without a word from Octavia and I am coming.”

“Ok.” Clarke said again. And silence fell.

Lexa’s eyes flickered to the blonde’s lips and she felt her own burn in need of contact. But again she pulled back. It would feel too much like a farewell. When the queen will be dead, when she will be heda again, when her people will be safe, then she will kiss her. She will kiss her, ask her to stay by her side. She will be selfish and ask for what she want and if Clarke says no then she will try again and again until she says yes.

“I need to talk with Luna. Go take rest, you’re exhausted.” Lexa turned back, heading to Luna’s castle when a determined voice stopped her.

“Lexa !” the brunette stopped “I won’t have to come back because YOU will be the one coming to join me at the end and YOU will kill the queen. It’s just a goodbye. We’ll see each other in two months, the queen’s head off her body and your people will chant your name !”

Lexa didn’t trust her voice so she just nodded and started to walk again, gaze focused on the grey sky, praying for the rain to fall and hide her tears.

 

 

Three days later, Clarke’s short hair was black, her clothes were made of blue and white furs, her two blades on her horse’s sides and Lexa’s heart in the palm of her hand, leaving the girl’s chest more hollow with each step the blonde was taking.


	17. No matter what, life goes on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is talkind about Selina a lot if not talking only about her. Why ? Because sad and broken Lexas are everywhere in a lot of different fics, way better than mine, in a better style and english. I hate writing things I've read elsewhere. If I can do the job better or as good as what I've read, it's not worth it. That's the way I'm functioning and the methods I'm using in ALL my writings. I thought that with Clarke and Octavia away, the only interesting relationship to describe was the one Lexa and Selina have. 
> 
> Hope you'll like it :3

**Day 225**

 

“Shh baby, shh” Lexa was trying to soothe Selina to sleep for the umpteenth time since Octavia had left. The little girl had used to be a calm and happy baby but her parent’s absence was tearing her and Lexa’s heart apart. “Shh it’s ok. They will come back soon. It’s ok.” The more she was talking to Selina, the more Lexa was sure she was just talking to herself. It was as if the little girl was crying for the both of them, sheading the tears Lexa couldn’t afford to release. At some point Lexa had tried, she had tried to cry but her eyes were too dry. *Are you the one who stole my tears ?* Lexa asked in a soft voice, resting her forehead on Selina’s. The girl momentarily stopped crying to bore her hazelnut eyes in Lexa’s green ones. They stayed like that for a minute, just looking at each other and Lexa wondered once again how much this little girl’s comprehension of the world around her extended. Eventually, Selina started to cry again and Lexa sat on the bed that now was theirs. She took the girl on her lap, face to her *Come on baby girl, smile for me.* Lexa made the face that used to make Selina laugh but as expected, it was vain. The brunette sighed and pulled the girl closer, leaning her on her torso. Selina’s small fists grabbed Lexa’s shirt as if it was the last thing left to do in this world and her cries became silent, silence telling Lexa that the girl was finally tired and ready to sleep. A distant melody made its way to Lexa’s mind. She closed her eyes and started to hum. Lightly rubbing Selina’s back she remembered the very first time she heard Clarke hum the lullaby. She remembered the ache in her body, the pain in her chest but also the relief that coursed through her entire being when she realised Clarke was alive, healthy and apparently happy. How many days had passed since she almost died in that river, Lexa didn’t know. Everything was so close and distant at the same time… She felt like she could remember her days in the farm better than the rest of her entire life. But maybe it was not just the farm. Maybe it was not just the peace of these days. Maybe it was just Clarke. That’s when Lexa realised that all her clear memories of those past few years were those of Clarke. Clarke entering her tent, terrified but assured, when she almost arrogantly asked for an alliance. A small smile tugged at Lexa’s lips at the thought. She remembered the storm of emotions in those blue eyes, so many different things had been happening in such frail body Lexa had thought the girl might break at some point. But Clarke hadn’t. Not even once. Sure she had wavered at some point. Sure the blood of her lover on her hands had been a blast. But she had stood and fought and it was magnificent. Lexa remembered the day they had had to fight the Pauna. The brunette would recall this moment until the day her soul leaves her body. She would remember the fear that tugged at her guts when she realised she might die in that cage of course, but she would also remember the terrifying feeling of relief and happiness that had flooded her mind for an instant. A few weeks later though, she had thanked all the gods she knew for letting her live long enough for her lips to connect with Clarke’s. But now Clarke was not here. Clarke was in danger some place far away. Clarke was sacrificing herself again. But she promised right ? She promised they would meet again, that they’d reunite to kill the queen. Then memories of Clarke’s strength, Clarke’s devotion, Clarke’s naked body, Clarke’s kindness, Clarke’s courage, Clarke’s love, filled Lexa’s mind and finally she felt the long awaited hot, tickling sensation of salty liquid running down her cheeks, passing by every mounts and valleys of her damaged face almost too easily. It was light at first. A single tear. Then one became two then three then hundreds.

Strangely there were no sobs, no convulsions and when a familiar voice whispered “Careful Lexa, a few more strokes and both your hands and her back’s skin will burn.” Lexa understood. She stopped her hand but kept it on Selina’s back. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t sob because the little girl was there, sound asleep on her lap. “My scouts came back.”

Lexa tore her tired, still wet eyes from Selina to look at Luna. “And ?” was all her hoarse voice managed to produce.

“And they arrived safely. They have an audience with Prince Kolah tomorrow morning. We’ll know in three days if Clarke can enter his guard.” A guard. Clarke wasn’t fitted to be in a guard. Her hands had been made to hold paper and charcoal or yarn and thread, not weapons. “Kolah is just a kid Lexa. She’ll make it. And maybe faster than we think.”

“Probably. What bothers me is, at what cost. I can’t lose anyone else Luna.”

The woman silently sat next to Lexa, resting a hand on her back. “I know. But she’ll be alright. She is strong and you wouldn’t have let her go if you thought she couldn’t do it.”

It was true. Lexa had no doubt Clarke would succeed. Well until some point at least. Infiltrate the guard of Kolah so that she can gather as many information as possible would be easy. Earn Kolah’s trust, seduce him so that he tells her what she wants, that, Clarke could do without effort. The problems would come with the queen. For the moment, according to the scouts, she was in Polis and would stay there for the next two months while her son is in TonDC. If Nia decided to come back earlier for any reason, Clarke would really be in danger. Nia was wise. A single, tiny mistake and Clarke’s head would roll on the ground far from its body. Or worse.

“Why are you crying child ?”

Concentrating on the slow movements of Luna’s hand on her back, Lexa thought before voicing the truth *I don’t know.*

“Well, *I* know why.” Lexa’s gaze left the ground to meet Luna’s “You’re exhausted. Fatigue is clouding your mind. Your body is screaming right now. You need sleep Lexa.”

“But Selina-“

“I’ll deal with her. Go take a room, the one you want, and sleep, as long as you can. Your ideas will be clearer and you will finally be able to show reason.”

Lexa would love to sleep. But she didn’t want Luna to take Selina away from her. Devotion to the promise she made to Octavia ? Lexa wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure why she couldn’t bear being apart from the little girl. She hadn’t spent a year with her but strangely she just couldn’t leave Selina’s side. When the girl wasn’t in her lap or arms, she was at least somewhere Lexa could see her.

“But she just fell asleep.”

Luna shook her head, stood and gently unclenched Selina’s fists. Lexa’s shirt free from any kind of grip, the woman lifted the girl in her arms “See ? Still asleep. Go Lexa, I’ll take care of her. You trust me right ?”

The brunette nodded and stood. She felt a little dizzy at first. It was her first real walk in three days after all. Slowly she walked to the closest room, the one that was supposed to be Clarke’s. She let herself fall on the bed and breathed. Clarke’s scent had already faded. She touched lightly the tattoo the blonde had given her not so long ago, in this same room. Clarke had been here at some point ant the thought reassured her.

 

Years later, Luna told Octavia that half an hour later, she had had to leave Selina’s room for a minute or two to give an order and when she had come back, she found Lexa sound asleep next to the little girl.

 

 

**Day 237**

 

* _Come on baby you can to it !*_ Lexa extended her arms in front of her in Selina’s direction, smiling widely to encourage the kid.

“Don’t hurry her. She will walk, let her take her time.”

“But she wants to do it, I know it.”

Luna rolled her eyes but Lexa ignored her * _Selina baby look at me, come on_ * The little girl was standing on her feet, hands on a small stool to steady herself. Again, Lexa hadn’t been the type to love children but the feeling in her chest in that moment was almost unbearable. Joy, pride, fear, love, and probably hundreds of other emotions, so new to Lexa she couldn’t put a name on them. But that was nothing compared to what the brunette felt when Selina finally took a clumsy, hesitant step in her direction. She was so happy she thought she could run in Entis’ streets screaming her joy like some crazy people did sometimes. * _Good girl ! That’s good, continue, come on !*_

“I might really end up being her grand-mother after all…”

“I thought we agreed on the fact that Lincoln was not your son.” Lexa couldn’t help to mumble but keeping her eyes on Selina’s that had took another step, her expression showing all the concentration this simple act was demanding her.

“I wasn’t talking about Lincoln.”

And now Luna wanted to adopt Octavia… Lexa fought the urge to roll her eyes. She couldn’t let the approaching little girl be confused because of her weird faces “Almost there baby ! Only two steps !” Obviously Selina couldn’t understand what a ‘step’ was and even less what ‘two’ referred to but she probably felt Lexa’s joy and excitement and offered the two woman one of her most endearing smiles (Lexa could swear the girl already knew how to ‘seduce’ people and as proud as she was at Selina’s precocity, it scared her a little…). Lexa’s heart melt at the girl’s smile and her body followed when Selina finally reached her arms. The brunette was pretty sure she would be nothing more than a puddle of love and pride in a few minutes, just lying on the ground for everyone to see.

But as much as she was happy, the tears on her cheeks were not those of joy.

 

 

**Day 245**

 

Lexa would lie if she said that she wasn’t trying to impress Selina. The girl was sitting on Feerah’s lap, the ‘nanny’ Luna had introduced to her a week ago. They were all in the courtyard and ‘all’ meant of course Feerah, Selina and Lexa but also ten big, strong, experienced, scarred warriors. They were supposed to be Lexa’s training buddies but since she was winning effortlessly they were more the unfortunate victims of her display of strength. Each time Lexa sent a man or a woman to the ground, she would turn to Selina with a smile, her unsaid question obvious for everyone : ‘you saw this ?’. So each time, Feerah was lightly clapping her hands, making the little girl follow her. With every silent, clumsy clap of Selina’s small hands, Lexa’s heart swelled and she always punctuated it with a “Next !” and an idiotic smile. Oh so far was the stoic commander of the twelve clans in that moment… But strangely, the warriors or everyone here in Entis didn’t seem to care. They were treating her with the respect due to Lexa’s rank. Maybe Clarke had been right all along after all. That her people wouldn’t look down on her if Lexa showed emotions.

The brunette got dragged out of her thoughts by an “I’m sure she understands how strong you are already so please could you let my warriors live Lexa ?” At Luna’s remark she turned to look at the said warriors. Covered in mud, bruises and exhausted, all of them released a quiet relieved sigh, thankful to their leader for saving their lives. Guilt filled Lexa and she threw them an apologetic look before straightening her back and ordering “You are dismissed. Take some rest for a day or two.”

Ten voices answered “Yes Heda” and Lexa jumped. Nobody had treated and called her like that in a while. Sure everyone respected her but she wasn’t their leader. Well that’s what she had thought at least. She recovered quickly though as Luna silently asked her to come. The brunette followed the woman down corridors she didn’t know.

“Stop looking back. Feerah is probably just heading back to Selina’s room. She’ll play with her and watch her and you’ll find her all happy and content in a few minutes, but now I need you.”

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat, rubbed her thumb on her tattoo nervously and fear tugged at her guts.

They entered a small room and Luna’s expression went grave “Clarke did it. She entered Kolah’s guard.”

Lexa was scared but she had to ask “But …?”

“But she and Octavia got separated. It was expected and we were prepared for that but Kolah is keeping Clarke with him constantly and as much as she can have a close watch on him, Octavia can’t approach her and collect information. We’ll be in the dark for a while.” The brunette’s heart sank. The more Lexa wanted Clarke close, the more the blonde was getting out of her reach. “And… I have a note from Octavia. For you.”

The wrinkles between Lexa’s eyebrows disappeared for an instant, worry and fear momentarily replaced by surprise and curiosity. Luna gave the small piece of paper to Lexa and the brunette read. It was English and it took her a while but she managed to decipher.

_How is she ?_

Lexa felt like crying again. But she had to write an answer first. It was her duty. “I need paper and charcoal”

Luna frowned “Wait, you can write ?”

“Clarke taught me.”

 

The paper Octavia received was rather small and said “Good. She kan wok naw. She miss you”. The brunette smiled but her heart was torn between amusement, recognition, pride and so much pain. Something caught her attention though. On the paper, she could see two small darker circles.

Octavia held back her tears. Enough had obviously been shed already.

 

 

**Day 254**

 

“Essa !”

Lexa’s heart stopped in her chest “What did you say…?”

Selina giggled and pointed to the brunette enthusiastically screaming “Essa !” again.

Lexa fell on her knees to hug the little girl and kiss the top of her head whispering tons of praise words which seemed to please Selina because the little girl was smiling and repeating what was probably Lexa’s name again and again.

* _Did you hear that !?*_ Lexa asked but Feerah’s confused expression made her repeat “Did you hear that just now ? She called me right !?”

The red head woman smiled “Sometimes she can spell the ‘L’ correctly too.”

“Wait, for how long has she…?”

“I’d say three days. First she was calling almost everything like that but then I taught her that ‘Lexa’ was you and nothing else and it seems she got it.”

The pronunciation was far from perfect but it was still a big thing. Pressing a chaste kiss on the little girl’s cheek, Lexa said “Find me some paper and charcoal. I need to write something.”

Feerah left and tears escaped Lexa’s eyes again. It was too overwhelming. The joy and sweet feelings that flooded her every time her eyes fell on Selina was always spoiled, stained by the ache in her heart reminding her that the girl’s dad was dead and her mother was away, risking her life, unable to see her very own, beloved daughter grow up. Lexa had probably cried more these past few weeks than the rest of her life but she couldn’t care less. How had she been able not to cry for so long ? She couldn’t remember how she had used to deal with her pain before she lost against Nia.

She was sure of it now. Something died inside her when she fell in the river. Maybe her soul, just like her bones, had broken and healed, started anew. Yes something died months ago but somehow Lexa didn’t miss it. When she was still Heda she had loved her condition. She could help and protect her people, a people that she loved, that depended on her. Well she had loved it during the day at least. At night, when she could hear the voices of her ghosts again and feel the weight of her responsibilities on herself and herself alone she had wanted to run away. For years she had hoped that it would become less unbearable, less strong with time, that she could sleep without nightmares again one day. But after a while Lexa realised that it would never stop, that her nights would be the same until the end of her life. And she had been right. If she considered that she died in that river then yes, she had been right. Lexa had never slept so well than when she had been in Clarke’s farm. The process had been slow but at some point, her nightmares had stopped. Well not entirely of course but she could live with it. Now she didn’t want to run away anymore. Now she felt strong enough to call herself Heda of the twelve clans. Now she was sure she’d be able to protect her people better than she ever had. The more she waited for Clarke to call them, the more she was eager to fight.

Clarke.

Lexa traced the tattoo on her hand. She missed Clarke. And she was worried even if she had finally found in herself the strength to trust her. But things had changed since she had left. Time had passed and Lexa had finally managed to start training again and Selina’s smile was back. Lexa was still crying sometimes but it was not over Clarke anymore.


	18. Two months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there ! sorry for the late update but uh... things hapened. Anyway, this chapter is really short and I'm sorry about it but that's 'cause the next one is the last one (yes the last if you don't count the epilogue) and I didn't want to cut the action in half just to make this chapter longer and the other one shorter so... yeah. You'll have to patient two more weeks before something finally happens... Have I mentioned that I'm sorry ?

Day 267

 

*Feisripa ! Stop !* Lexa ordered but the brown mare had apparently decided that the poor rabbit she was running after would be her lunch. Yes. Horses are herbivores. But not this one. Well technically she didn’t eat meat but… She had the bad habit of running after small animals and scare the poor things to death (which really happened one time with a squirrel. Clarke is pretty sure the small red animal had had a heart attack just looking in the beast’s eyes). But Selina laughed at the scene so this time Lexa let it go.

The brunette was sitting in a tree with the little girl firmly attached to her back. The day was hot and sunny and Lexa had decided it was a good idea to pause her training and go for a walk. Of course she had taken Selina with her. Because of her now intense training sessions, Lexa had had little time to give to the girl these days which was, let’s face it, unacceptable. She had promised Octavia she’d watch her daughter, she wouldn’t spend so much time too far away from her again. Because of her promise of course. (Years later Luna told Selina how Lexa had fallen on her knees to hug her after each day of training, kissed her hundreds of times repeating ‘I missed you’, her promise to Octavia entirely forgotten…)

“Pii Pii !” Selina said, pointing to a sleeping owl, half hidden in a cavity of a tree in front of them and Lexa’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. How did the little girl managed to see the bird when it was so well hidden ?  The brunette smiled proudly. The girl would be a great archer and a perfect scout.

“No. This one is a bird too but it’s ‘Hoo Hoo’”

“OoOOoo” Selina tried. It reminded Lexa of that time when she found Feerah and the girl in a farm. The woman was trying to teach her how to say dog or cow or horse but no words escaped the girl’s mouth that day. No words indeed. But Selina had created her very own sound repertory. At some point the dog had barked and she had imitated it. Now dogs were ‘wa wa’, cows ‘mo’ and cats ‘mia’. Oh and horses were ‘Ipa’ as in Feisripa. This was another weird thing. This terrible horse was the small girl’s best friend. How it happened, Lexa didn’t want to remember. One day, Lexa had taken the little girl to a field, installed her on a large blanket with some toys and had started to tell her stories when one of Luna’s warriors arrived. The brunette had stood and turned her back to the girl for a minute. Finished with the warrior she had returned her attention to the blanket where Selina had been supposed to be. Lexa’s heart had stopped in her chest when she had noticed the girl had disappeared. She had found her a few meters away, in the horse’s enclosure, hugging Feisripa’s leg. Lexa had never fainted in her entire life but that day she almost did.

“Ipa Ipa !”

Lexa got out of her thoughts and turned to her horse, happily rolling in the mud at the foot of the tree she was sitting in. The brunette sighed. She was pretty sure the animal was doing this only to have the pleasure to be taken care of when she’d go back, scaring some of her caretakers in the process. A branch cracked a few meters away in another tree. Lexa smiled *Do you see this ?* Lexa pointed to the ball of grey fur looking at them *it’s a robber*. For a moment Lexa thought that the animal had understood her because it made itself bigger and snarled but then she noticed another raccoon just above her head. “I think it is time to get out of here Selina.” She whispered calmly, not wanting to draw the attention of the two angry animals.

Finally on the ground, Lexa released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She wouldn’t have had any problem escaping two raccoons in fury but Selina was with her and she had to avoid any source of unneeded danger. And well, Commander was a nice animal but Lexa wasn’t sure those two would be the same adorable fish eating grey ball of fur.

 

 

 

Day 280

 

Lexa was sitting on her bed, her back against the headboard, Selina bouncing on her lap, telling stories only herself could understand.

“What is it ? You have something to tell me ?”

“Essa !”

The brunette smiled. The little girl was still saying it wrong but she didn’t care. It was cute. Then Selina fell silent, looking at her expectantly.

“What ?” Lexa asked in a soft voice, taking a small hand in one of her own. The little girl looked down at Lexa’s left hand. The woman opened her hand to let her see. Slowly, Selina traced the lines, wrinkles and scars of the calloused palm with all the attention she could afford. Then her eyes fell on a strange thing she hadn’t noticed before. She wrapped her hand around the black inked ring around Lexa’s finger, looking at it curiously. “This is a tattoo. Clarke gave it to me.” It had been a while since she had said that name. Two months already. Two months had passed and still no news from Octavia or the queen. Lexa had tried not to think too much about it but had failed. Waiting patiently for a battle had never been her favourite activity. She wasn’t really worried, just frustrated. No news meant that everything was going well. But no news also meant that Lexa couldn’t attack yet and it was killing her inside. Physically she felt like she had never been so well. Her muscles had come back with her mobility and fighting skills and the most important of everything : her motivation.

“Do you remember who Clarke is ?” She asked to Selina with a smile. The girl cocked her head to a side and Lexa remembered Lincoln had used to do that as a child. Now that she was thinking about it, Selina had grown up a lot since her father had died. One thing hadn’t changed though, she had the face of her mother and the smile of her father. Her dark curls were apparently those of Octavia’s brother while the hazelnut of her eyes was from Lincoln’s mother. The combination was a complete success as Selina was one of the most beautiful babies Lexa had ever seen. Well baby might not be the right term anymore… Oh how eager Lexa was to show Clarke and Octavia how big Selina had become these past two months ! Yes Lexa was eager for the first time in years. The last time she had felt like that was… Before the mountain, that afternoon when Bellamy’s signal appeared in the sky like a way too long awaited relief. The feeling hadn’t lasted though. As soon as that man the mountain had sent to “talk” had opened his mouth, Lexa’s confident fever had changed into pained cold sweat. But this time nothing could go wrong. She had spent two months trying to convince herself that everything would be alright so it would be. She was ready. She had only one enemy to fight. Not an army, no powerful weapons, just one person. Of course Nia’s people might attack her afterwards but Lexa was sure she could kill the queen first and that was the most important.

Selina was still waiting for a story. Unlike Clarke, Lexa had never really been good at telling stories, it was too abstract, so usually she was just retelling her own stories, things she had experienced as a child. This time she would relate one of her favourite “You remember I’m sure. Blonde hair, gold, like the sun. And her eyes are blue like the summer sky we saw this afternoon.” Lexa sat the girl on the bed in front of her and crossed her legs “And her voice is a little husky and pleasant to the ears when she reads or sings. Her hands are smooth not like mine and her skin is white.” As she was talking she was pointing and motioning to different parts of her body, trying to illustrate what she was saying “She is not very tall but has a strong personality. She is good at fighting but is even better at healing. She is nice and patient and caring.” Lexa paused. Selina was looking at her with a seriousness and curiosity that didn’t fit her age. She was pretty sure the girl didn’t understand a thing about what she was saying still, she seemed fascinated so Lexa continued “And she knows how to draw too. She did a lot of sketches of you, you know ? We will ask her if she can show you later. Oh and she is sassy too. Almost arrogant sometimes. She’s the best friend of Octavia, your mother and just like her she-“ Lexa smiled “She fell from the sky.”

For the umpteenth time Lexa relived her first encounter with the girl, saw her enter her tent, bluffing clumsily and openly defying the commander of the twelve clans. Lexa chuckled. “I remember that day, just before the mountain. I had been mean with Clarke and almost had your mother killed” Lexa made a face at the memory. She might have to apologize for that later… “But it was also your mother’s fault you know ? She was too intelligent and I had to… Take precautions.” The little girl frowned and Lexa rolled her eyes “I admit it might have been exaggerated. But I didn’t know them ! I couldn’t trust your mother just yet” Yes she had just justified herself in front of a not yet 2 year old girl. When she realised it she sighed. She wasn’t good at telling stories. She was always way too expressive, was living it way too much, just like her father when he had been telling stories to she and Lincoln when they were kids. She cleared her throat “Anyway. Clarke brought the warrior I had sent to kill Octavia back to my tent and made him fall on his knees in front of me.” Lexa could still remember clearly how frustrated, proud and amazed she had felt. And the way Clarke talked to her… “Nobody had ever talked to me like that since I had become Heda” she laughed lightly at the memory. Everything felt so surreal and distant now. Almost three years had passed… “I… because of what she told me I reconsidered my decision regarding Octavia and in the end I let her live.” Lexa licked her lips nervously then and her heart started to race as the images of that day were becoming clearer and clearer. Why was she nervous when she was talking to a toddler that could barely walk ? “And then she… She made me realise a few things- no. Made me remember things I used to think but had forgotten along the years and… It changed me.” How was it so easy to say ? Why was the truth slipping from her mouth so easily ? Maybe because Selina couldn’t understand but gave her the feeling of being heard, listened to, without any kind of judgement.

Unexplained tears started to run down Lexa’s cheeks. Yes unexplained. Why ? Why was she crying when everything was fine ? A weird feeling settled into Lexa’s stomach then and the door of the room opened almost violently.

“Say your goodbyes Lexa. The queen is in movement.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure it's obvious but just in case, know that I hate children.


	19. Nia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am LATE ! I know it and I am very very sorry. But... Well the last chapter of this fic should be out next week !

  
Day 285

  
TonDC. After five days of discreet riding, Lexa and her squad were finally reaching TonDC. The banquet for the return of the queen would happen in three days and they had yet to find Octavia. The girl hadn’t showed up at the place they were supposed to meet and Lexa didn’t like that.

“What do we do ?” Logan, one of the three warriors Luna had lend to Lexa, asked.

“Nothing. We wait.” Lexa answered through gritted teeth.

Berenice stepped closer “What if something happened to her ?”

“NOTHING happened to her !” Lexa literally spat at the woman. They had been waiting in this clearing for four hours already and the brunette was so tense she couldn’t think straight anymore. She didn’t care if she was rough, if she looked pissed or if her unrelenting pacing would dig a hole in the ground. “Nothing happened to her. She’s just late.”

It was Jay’s turn to speak “How do you know ?”

“I know it. And even if something had indeed happened to her, there would be no way to know for sure and we wouldn’t be able to do anything more than to wait. The ceremony is in three days. Until then, we can’t do anything.”

Lexa couldn’t stand it anymore. She didn’t know about these warriors’ fighting skills but she had unfortunately discovered how talkative they were. WAY too talkative. She climbed up a tree, sat on a branch and sighed. There was no way Octavia could’ve been busted now, so close to their goal. No, the girl was late for a reason that had nothing to do with the plan, Lexa was sure of it. Still. The wait was excruciating.

Again the woman wondered why they were waiting. It would be so easy to just charge and attack the queen on her way to TonDC instead of waiting for her to gently join her people and warriors, have a good meal, party and only THEN slit her throat. The odds for Lexa to be killed by Nia’s army were high so why not choosing the easiest, and safest way ?

Lexa sighed again. Of course she knew why it couldn’t be so easy. If they killed the queen now, in the woods, who’d believe that Lexa from trikru, heda of the twelve clans had killed her and not any random suicidal warrior ? No. Lexa had to SHOW to everyone that she was still alive, able to win, she’d have to show that she is the strongest. With some luck, her people, Nia’s and the other clans would believe that Lexa had come back from the dead and wouldn’t dare defying her ever again.

Yes. This entire plan had been built on what people could believe. Lexa’s predecessor, the last commander, had been a good leader. He had tried to establish some kind of peace between the different clans and Lexa had just finished the job. But she had been too merciful and with her acceptance of strangers, the union she had tried to create with the sky people, her power over the other leaders and even her own people had wavered. But with that simple action, with the queen’s death, she could not only deliver her people from Nia’s tyranny but also prove that HER ways were best.

Of course it could backfire. Sure Lexa’s future reign would be simpler because her people would, or so she hoped, fear and respect her, but what about the next commander ? Under Lexa’s command the fear and respect of the commander would be an advantage. But what if the next commander was similar to Nia ? The spirit of the commander would never choose someone like her of course, but what if ?

It was a risk but they had no choice. Of course Lexa had never died and knew deep down, despite her beliefs, that her strength was her own and not the commander’s spirit’s and if she was here today it was because of an incredible luck. And yes she would manipulate her people, use their faith to gain power over them and she wasn’t proud of it but…

“Lorna !”

Lexa’s heart stopped in her chest at the familiar voice. In record time her feet were on the ground and her eyes locked with brown, worried, relieved but hurried ones. “Octavia”

“No time for this, come with me.” The girl grabbed Lexa by the arm and dragged her forward. Octavia's grasp was almost painful but somehow Lexa found it reassuring and she felt a small smile stretch the corners of her lips. Eventually Octavia let go of Lexa's arm and led them through the forest, to what looked like a small cliff covered in grass and moss. The girl kicked a moss area at the base of the cliff three times and to everyone's surprise, the moss disappeared, uncovering what looked like a small door. “Come on, down there.” Octavia said, falling on her knees before slipping in the small entrance.

Lexa followed without a second of hesitation. Where three years ago she would've asked one of her warriors to go first to check the safety of the place, she was now following the girl she called friend with trust and insurance. The woman didn't know when nor what she had changed her that much but she felt that she'd have to thank a certain blonde when all of this would be over.

Once inside, a man Lexa didn't know welcomed her, bowing his head. If the covered in moss piece of wood in his hand was anything to go by, he was the one who opened to them. She looked around her and must have seemed impressed because Octavia was sporting a way too proud smirk. But Lexa wouldn't let her the occasion to brag “So why were you late ?”

“Ok so I'm taking you to that super cool lair and those are your first words ?”

A lair ? All Lexa could see was a house. Well what seemed like a first floor of a tiny house. They had entered through a window into a room apparently situated under the roof. The entire house was buried in the ground, making it invisible from the outside.

“I admit it. You did well Octavia.” Lexa said, with a nod, amused.

“Huh. Of course I did, who do you think I am !” Octavia answered with a huff, bumping her shoulder into Lexa's. “Come on, follow me.” she adds, turning on one of those weird skaikru 'flashlights'.

***

“And you think I can merge in ?”

“I think so. They won’t try to check who you are, they will have way too many things to take care of.” Loukas, the ice nation warrior that had welcomed Lexa, explained. “I can’t say it’s safe, but that’s all we have anyway.”

Lexa nodded. That’s all they had.

“Disguise it is then…” Octavia concluded in a sigh. She stood “Lexa,” cleared her throat “Can I… Can I talk to you in private ?”

“Yes.” Lexa stood and followed Octavia upstairs.

“Clarke was there yesterday. She is alright and would like you to spare Kolah if possible. She said he is a good boy who shouldn’t suffer from his mother’s actions.”

Lexa nodded. She agreed that Kolah is not his mother and Lexa wished for him to take over the throne after Nia “I will not harm him.” Lexa said softly “But I will not protect him either.”

“Yeah of course. Maybe I can take care of that part. Also…” Octavia paused and narrowed her eyes “I um- Thank you.” She finally said, scratching the back of her head “For the notes and… Taking care of my daughter.”

Lexa bowed slightly with a smile “I have a lot to tell you.” Her words made Octavia’s eager eyes sparkle. Lexa sat down cross legged and started “She seems to share a weird bond with Feisripa.”

 

 

Day 288

  
Two hours. For two hours Lexa had been keeping watch in front of Nia's tent.

She was restless, her knees burning from carrying her tense body for so long. The banquet was ready, the table, the boar, the wine, Lexa, everything was ready but Nia, her son and Clarke were still inside of the tent.

Lexa couldn't help but grit her teeth, nervously clench and unclench her fists at her sides. At this point she was seriously wondering if storming inside that tent wouldn't be in fact the best thing to do. She chased away the thought quickly though because they had a plan. They had a plan and she couldn't be reckless. Not now. Not so close to her goal.

And that's when she heard it. Heard the tent flap move.

And Clarke's voice.

Lexa's heart froze in her chest as warmth spread through her entire body. God how she had missed her. It cost her all her determination not to throw herself at the girl and hug her. And maybe confess. And kiss her too. The brunette's eyes searched Clarke's body from head to toe to make sure she wasn't harmed. Lexa sighed in relief when she realised that the girl seemed well but then her eyes widened.

Something was missing on the girl's head. Her hair. Her scalp was bare but... But black.

They had tattooed her...

They had shaved Clarke's hair and tattooed Nia's symbol on her skin.

Unforgivable.

Lexa felt rage and anger boil in her veins, shake her core, melt her bones. She held back a roar. A guard eyed her so she relaxed momentarily. Her gaze followed Clarke and her smile to where she sat at the banquet table next to Kolah. The boy was talking eagerly and even though Lexa couldn't hear his words she knew he couldn't be spiting out the poison of his mother. Clarke's smile was true.

Lexa didn't know for how long her eyes stayed focused on the two surprisingly relaxed figures but it was too long. Her foot was nervously tapping the ground where she stood and damn why was Nia taking so long !?

As if the woman had heard her, she finally exited her tent.

Lexa's breath caught in her throat. That was it. Nia was in front of her again for the first time since the river and she would kill her. This time she wouldn't lose. This time she'd avenge Costia and Indra and all the people she had lost because of this heartless woman.

Nia hadn't changed. Light blond curly hair, white paint around icy blue eyes, and small bones on her forhead. When the Commander had once carried bones, death on her gloves, SHE was wearing it on her face, bearing it with pride for everyone to see. The bones weren't important in themselves. It could be bird tiny bones or boars tooth, even horse's skulls, none were less important than the others. The message was always the same.

Bones were death and Nia was proud of its weight.

Lexa snarled under her mask. She looked up to where Octavia was supposed to be. The dark clouds in the sky weren't offering enough luminosity for her to see the girl but she saw the signal, the short light call.

The queen was sitting at her throne when Lexa stepped in front of the table. She fought the urge to look at Clarke when she heard her gasp, instead focusing her eyes to those she hated the most.

Warriors surrounded her when she drew out her sword, then held it horizontally, silently asking for a duel.

Nia raised a curious eyebrow. “Who are you ?”

Lexa smirked and torn her hood and mask off her face “Long time no see Nia.”

The woman frowned, reminding Lexa that unlike Nia's, her face had changed a lot these past few months. But then, then the woman realised.

Nia's widening eyes and falling jaw were the most satisfying emotion Lexa had ever seen on the woman's disgusting face. She recovered way too quickly to Lexa's taste though and as she stood she stated “Lexa.”

Lexa puffed her chest, lifted her chin defiantly as surprised gasps and whispers were filling the air around her. “Ice nation !” she called, turning to the crowd circling her “I am Lexa from Trikru, Heda of the twelve clans and your leader and I order you to lay down your weapons and surrender !” she said loud enough for the whole, now silent TonDC, to hear.

Swords and spears lowered but the warriors grip on them were still tight.

“You lost at the river Lexa. I'm in charge now.” Nia Hissed “Warriors ! Listen to your queen !” she screamed “And step back !” Lexa would be surprised if the mischievousness in Nia's eyes and the smirk on her lips weren't that obvious. The warriors obeyed and widened the circle they formed.

“You want a duel Lexa ? You'll have it.” Nia stated, throwing the rather large table on the side. Kolah and Clarke stood and hurried to find themselves a spot in the crowd where they could watch without being in the way.

Nia discarded her cloak and coat. Lexa mimicked her and soon they were both bare arms and sword in hands, in fighting stance.

Adrenaline shut down Lexa's fear to boost her determination and curl her lips into a wolfish smile.

“I came to kill you.” she growled proudly.

“You came to die.” Nia answered, throwing her first attack.

Swords clang and Lexa took a step back. Nia was strong and experienced, but Lexa wouldn't lose.

Everything went fast, metal crushing against metal, sometimes slicing through flesh, sending red to stain the now muddy ground under their feet. The rain had started heavy, wetting the ground and everything around them, making it easy to lose her footing.

And earth betrayed Lexa. Her foot slipped and she fell, one knee on the ground. Nia smirked and attacked from above. Lexa blocked her blow just in time but Clarke screamed “LEXA !”

Nia paused for an instant and Lexa saw realisation wash over the woman's face. “So that's why you kept throwing her glances huh ? She's your new toy ?” Nia bent down, pushing with all her weight on Lexa's sword and she whispered, teeth showing “How does it feel to see my mark on the woman you love ?”

Lexa roared and pushed up. Nia, a little surprised, stepped back but yelled “I wonder if this one too will scream your name as I tear her nails away from her pretty hands !”

Using Lexa’s loves against her. It was expected, sneaky and so, SO Nia. Yet Lexa couldn’t help it “Don't you dare !” she replied, launching a strong, desperate attack forward.

Nia blocked and countered, making Lexa stumble “You should've heard Costia's voice when I dug a hole in her flesh and scratched her thighbone for hours !”

*Shut up !* Lexa's grip on her sword tightened and she threw herself at the woman once again.

Nia dodged though and managed to cut through Lexa's shoulder “Her face was so pretty when I pealed her, inch by inch !”

The wound on her shoulder was deep but Lexa couldn't care less as she screamed *I said. SHUT. UP !*

“I wonder how Clarke will sound when she'll get pleasure from my bloody hands after I eviscerated you...” Nia added before attacking again.

For the last time.

Lexa saw the blade too late.

'It's over.' she thought.

But a voice called her name desperately and her body reacted on its own.

Lexa fell on her knees to dodge the blade attacking her from the side, efficiently destabilizing Nia. Then with all the force she could give, Lexa threw her sword up and sliced.

She felt the sharp metal cut through an arm and... A spine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next and last chapter before the epilogue on sunday.
> 
> A usual, thanks for reading and surviving my awful update schedule. Thanks for the lovely comments and see you on sunday :)


	20. Cross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it everyone ! last chapter of this story ! an epilogue should be posted next week to explain the unexplained things.
> 
> Hope you'll like it.
> 
> well... I still feel like asking you not to hate me.

_Nia's head rolls on the ground._

_The Ice Queen's head rolls on the ground and silence falls. It is surreal, unbelievable, like a way too long awaited deliverance._

_Lexa pushes the queen’s body to the side and stands with difficulty. She waits a few seconds for the air to fill her lungs again before yelling “The head of your Queen fell !” she locks eyes with as many people as she can, making sure her words, determination, and power sinks in “You are now under my direct command ! Lay your weapons down or you will be executed for treason !”_

_The silence that follows is deafening, heavy, and Lexa can feel her heart hammering in her chest. 'That's it' she thinks. This is the moment they had all feared, the moment fate would decide if she lives or dies. At least Clarke would be safe she thinks. Because nobody knows they were together for sure. Because even if they believe Clarke was a part of the plan then Lexa would fight back long enough for her to run away. Or so she hopes. She hopes Clarke will run away, hopes she won't try to save her life, hope she won't be the woman Lexa loves when the decisive moment comes._

_A squishy noise resounds and Lexa's grip on the hilt of her sword tighten as her head snaps to the side. She expected a warrior in fighting stance. She finds a kneeling man, his weapon on the ground. Lexa's heart stops and second blade hit the muddy ground, then a third, a spear, daggers, bows started to fall all around her as dozen of warriors were kneeling down reverently._

_Then comes the cheering. A woman right in front of Lexa whispers “Heda.” timidly, then a man repeats louder and soon they are all chanting “Heda ! Heda !” as if the commander had never disappeared, as if Lexa had never lost, as if everything was falling back into place._

_It is too strong, too familiar, too overwhelming and Lexa smiles. She raises her bloody sword in the air triumphantly and scream “Jus drein, jus draun !” The crowd stands and cheers and follow Lexa as she repeats “Jus drein, jus draun !” each time louder, the words pleasantly burning her dry throat as they break free after so long, so many years of being held captive._

_When Lexa's lungs starts to burn from the lack of oxygen, she lowers her sword and breathe, her chest heaving, sweat and Nia’s blood running down her neck, eyes wide in pride and contentment._

_All of this, the ice queen dead, her glory, her victory, her rank, her place, Lexa owes all of them to one person. Her smile grows larger as she turns back “Clarke we wo-”_

_“WATCH OUT !”_

_The next thing Lexa registers is the unpleasant feeling of her side violently meeting the ground, splashing mud all over herself. She groans and sits, eyes tightly shut as she brings a hand to her temple. She is deaf and her head pounds but she finds the strength to look around her. She spots Octavia on her left. The girl seems panicked, mouthing thousands of words Lexa can't hear. Lexa's eyes drift lower and she sees Kolah. The young warrior is pinning him to the ground and she pities the poor boy, born from the wrong mother. Until she sees it. Until she recognizes Nia’s smirk stretching the boy's lips. Until her eyes fall onto the bow in his hand. Until finally her gaze follows the direction Octavia is pointing._

_It takes her what feels like an eternity to regain any kind of control on her body but when she does she screams “CLARKE!” She crawls to her squirming body a few feet away from her and she kneels next to her, her trembling hands hovering over her side, her eyes searching for something she doesn't want to find._   
_But she does. She sees the long piece of wood piercing through the coughing girl's chest, its feathers in the girl's back and sharp metallic point emerging on her front, inches on the left._

_“No...” Lexa cracks out and Clarke coughs, spitting blood in front of her._

_“My back-” the blonde says feebly and Lexa leans down to hear her better “Break arrow.”_

_Lexa doesn't take the time to think and obeys. She breaks the arrow and rolls Clarke on her back. The blonde coughs again and more blood escapes her mouth but she raises her left hand and Lexa catches it quickly. Trembling lips meets darkened skin. She kisses the ring-like tattoo she has inked in the pale's digit's flesh not so long ago and whines. Her voice is shaking when she says *Hang on Clarke, Luna is coming with healers, they'll fix you.*_

_Clarke smiles and Lexa drowns in her soft eyes, in those eyes reminding her that it's how the sky is supposed to shine not like the dark grey crying one pouring it's warm tears above them._

_“Lexa-” Clarke breathes out with a smile as she guides her hand to Lexa's face and cups her cheek “You did it.”_

_The brunette shakes her head as she feels her eyes sting stronger than ever before “Clarke-”_

_“You saved our people.”_

_The blonde's breath is whistling, and if she concentrates enough Lexa is sure she could hear the air escape her damaged lungs through the hole the arrow made. “Don't talk. Please, Luna is coming.” Lexa tries but it's vain. Her weak, empty words cannot fool anyone, not even herself and her heart sinks deep when Clarke shakes her head slightly._

_“I'm proud of you.” the blonde's thumb brushes off the first of many tears from Lexa's cheek as she says “It's ok Lexa. Death is not the end.”_

_*No ! No Clarke ! Please !* Lexa pleads. Pleads to Clarke, pleads to the gods, pleads to anything that could change her love's fate. “Please stay ! I promised-” Lexa snorts inelegantly and smiles poorly “I promised Selina I'd bring you back.” But the blonde keeps shaking her head, her eyes soft and smiling but her lips twisting, fighting against the fear and sadness consuming her. “I told her- I told her about you you know ? About us, about everything. You can't leave Clarke.”_

_“I'm sorry Lexa.” the blonde answers in a sob as a tear escapes the corner of her eye. “I'm sorry...” She sobs and Lexa's vision is blurry but she doesn't blink. She keeps her tears in her eyes, let them blind her to the freezing truth lied on the ground at her knees, blind her to the pale skin and bright red steam of liquid staining Clarke's perfect lips. But strength leaves the cold hand on her cheek and Lexa intertwines their fingers to keep it there, keep the soft palm on her face, where she has wanted it so many times. “But I'll be back Lexa.”_

_*No Clarke please...* finally she blinks and what she sees is horror and a tired smile._

_“Lexa. My spirit will find you.” Lexa shakes her head, biting her lower lip as snot runs down past her mouth to her chin. “I'll find you Lexa. Wherever you are.” Clarke says with a warm smile that falters immediately as she turns her head to the side to spit out a way too important amount of blood. She takes her time to catch her breath and her voice is weak when she says “I can't believe if you don't. Make me believe Lexa, tell me you'll wait.”_

_Lexa whines but nods. “I promise. I'll wait for you to find me. I will wait until I die and in my next life and all those to come, I will wait until you find me Clarke.” she promises, voice broken but somehow, somehow it sounds firm and determined and true._

_“Good.” Clarke states, smiling *Now kiss me.*_

_Lexa takes a deep breath, releases Clarke's hand and leans down, her body answering before she can even process anything, before Clarke's words even reach her brain. She leans down and kisses her. Her lips meet Clarke's and time stops. Lexa is back in time, back in that tent in which she had found the courage she had lacked this past year. Why ? Why is she realising it now ? Now that it is too late ? Now that Clarke is dying. She feels her body becoming heavier with each second passing, each second screaming her she should have kissed Clarke hundreds of time every day since she had fell in that river._

_Clarke breaks the kiss with a weird sound Lexa wants to believe is a chuckle “Your thoughts-” she breaths “-so loud.” she smiles “We can't rewrite-” spits blood “-but try catch up.”_

_Thick tears fall on Clarke's cheeks right under where Lexa's eyes are looking into the girl's pale blue ones. *I am so, so sorry Clarke... I should have been- I should have been brave.*_

_Clarke closes her eyes and nods slowly “But you-” she pants “haven't.” She pauses to choke out more blood, spiting some onto Lexa's already stained face. When Clarke's eyes open again, they're absent, lost somewhere Lexa can't see. “You're beautiful.” she moans and Lexa sobs hard, loudly and snorts. “Till. The end. Kiss-” Clarke breathes out before choking again._

_Lexa closes the distance once again for what she now knows is the last time._

_She kisses Clarke. Kisses her like she should have centuries ago. Kisses her for all the times she was too weak, an idiot too afraid to open her heart to the woman she loves. Kisses her because she loves her, loves her more than she has ever loved anything, loves her like she will never love again. It tastes like copper and salt, like tears and blood but it is sweet. It tastes like end but it will linger. It's a farewell but it is not and Lexa's eyes are tightly shut as she repeats in her head how much she loves the girl, how much she loves Clarke._

_Eventually, Clarke's movements slow down and stops._

_But Lexa keeps her lips there._

_She kisses Clarke until the end and more._

_Kisses her even after any kind of tension is gone in the body underneath her._

_Kisses her even after the warmth has left the bloody mouth._

_Kisses her even after she has sucked the last breath of air from Clarke's damaged lung._

_“Lexa.” a hand touches her shoulder but the commander doesn't move “Lexa it's over.”_

_Over._

_It is over._   
_Lexa pulls back and is afraid to open her eyes. She doesn't want to see but she has to. She has to look at her, at that face she wished she had mapped with her lips earlier. She has to engrave her features in her skull, has to archive her hope, pride, regrets and pain. She has to endure, to accept, to be brave._

_She opens her eyes and sees it. She sees the hint of a peaceful smile barely curling almost white bloody lips._

_She runs her calloused, stained fingertips on the soft pale cheeks, on the scratched forehead on the bare skull. Bare like Costia's. Bare like Lexa's soul._

_She moans in pain at the cold touch and she tries to ignore that the ice nation's symbol is inked on the soft scalp under her fingertips. She takes Clarke's lifeless head in her hands, palms the smooth skin of her scalp, trying to take as much as she can at the same time. She leans her forehead on the girl's and closes her eyes._

_*Thank you.* she whispers, her tone soft and calm. *I love you.* She presses her lips on Clarke one last time before adding “May we meet again.”_

_She stands up and raises her head. Her tears are dried now and her heart is beating again. Her breath is clear and steady. She is alive and at peace._

_For who cannot read her._

_Inside she's broken, shattering, crumbling in an infinity of pieces she knows nothing can put back together._

_She grabs her dagger at her side, the one Anya made her lives ago, the one that cut the skin of her chest when Costia died, the one that would tear through the flesh of her left breast._

_She removes her armour and cuts her shirt open, baring her chest. Octavia is at her side and ice nation warriors, all around but she doesn't care. She brings the sharp edge of the blade to her chest and for a moment she contemplates stabbing herself, forcing the dagger through her ribs to reach her own heart._

_A baby laughs in the back of her head and she opens her mouth to scream as she crosses her heart._

 

“Octavia told me two things.

First that everyone around were like stunned, grief on their faces, gazes focused on the ground in respect.

Second, that the animalistic sound that escaped Lexa's broken throat was the most painful, horrible thing my mother had ever heard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. I know. I'm a monster.


	21. May we meet again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it guys. It's the end. The end of this journey. 
> 
> You have no idea how it is for me to end this story. I am a passionate that always start things but never end them. Except that this time, this time I did. This time I ended something and you have no idea what an accomplishment it is for me. I am happy, truly happy. I managed to write the end I had planned since the very beginning and even if this fic is far from perfect when I look back at it now, I am still proud of it. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you guys because without you this story wouldn't exist. Thank you for reading my fanfiction, for liking or hating it, thanks to all of you who left a kudo or a comment, thank you all for your attention. 
> 
> I hope you liked this story even if the end is not what you wanted to read and that you will enjoy this last chapter.
> 
> I wrote it thinking about my father who taught me that there are two ways to reach eternity, children or going down in history. in conclusion, I consider this, a happy ending.

“And then ! And then !?” Bellamy asks and I smile.

 

“I'm sorry children,” I close the book on my lap “But it is time for you to go home.”

 

“Aww... Heda please...?”

 

Clarke offers me her most adoraple pleading eyes and I sigh. There is no way in hell or haven that Heda would bow before a seven year old little girl though, so I insist “No. It is over for today.”

 

John, Clarke, Bellamy, Indra and Marcus stand and walk to the tentflap, eyes on the ground, mumbling how unhappy they are and how they would sneak insde my tent tonight to steal the book from me. But as usual, Lexa stays behind. She stands and walks to me. She looks at me expectantly and asks with a small voice “Can I see the drawing please ? Just one last time and I'm going, I promise.”

 

This girl. Golden hair and hazelnut eyes, thin but strong, could be a warrior but prefers to read. This girl is something and I lose. “Fine.” I open the book to the last page and let her look. Her face lights up and she smiles. She runs her tiny fingers on the page like she always does then reads the words in the corner.

 

“May we meet again.” she whispers in awe and I wonder if she truly understands the meaning of it. When she's done, she looks up to me, smiles and thanks me, bowing slightly. Clarke calls for her so she runs to the exit and bump into my eldest son “Sorry Lincoln !” she says before finally storming outside.

 

I stand, taking the book under my arm and walk to the man “When did you arrive ?”

 

He hugs me briefly, kissing the crown of my head and I try to remember the time when I didn't have to raise my arm to pinch his cheeks “Earlier today. I missed Arkadia too much.”

 

I smirk “Of course you didn't come for me. Bad son.” But I know he came because tomorrow is my 75th birthday.

 

He laughs and it warms my heart. He laughs like my mother used to. “We're both living in Polis half of the time mom, we saw each other last week. The real question is, why are YOU here ?”

 

“Why do you think ? I delivered a baby.”

 

“A boy ?”

 

“Girl.”

 

“Oh dear gods, another Lexa ?”

 

I shake my head and laugh “Clarke.”

 

“Isn't it the third one this year ?”

 

“It is. This is impressive how popular they are.”

 

“You made them popular mom. You're the one who wrote their story.”

 

“No. They wrote their story on their own. I am only humbly passing it to the young ones, make sure they don't forget to whom they owe their life.”

 

“Sure Heda. Sure.” He winks, kisses me again and exiting the tent he adds “I'll wait for you to have dinner and I'm hugry so hurry up Commander.”

 

I smile. Times have changed so much.

 

I walk to my bed and sit. I rest Clarke's sketchbook on my lap and look at it. I still cannot belive how long has past and how fast things have evolved. Lexa wouldn't recognize the world she left behind already 65 years ago.

 

Arkadia, once skaikru village is the most important city after Polis and TonDC. Skaikru and grounders have merged into one. As did the other clans. In her last years, Lexa managed to abrogate the teritorial limitations, offering people the right to travel and live where they want with who they want. Of course there are still leaders but no more clans. Leaders are ruling on a city more than on a group of people. I think Lexa would be happy to know that the peace she created has never been broken. Some people say it is thanks to me but my work has been the one of a protector more than a Commander. I just tried to maintain what Lexa had created. Lexa, the unificator, the powerful leader who came back from the deads to bring peace.

 

After Clarke's death Lexa took back her place as Heda. Lexa herself told me that at first her people was scared. Scared of her, of her and the power they thought she had earned in the other world. Some attempted at her life even. But little by little, everything fell back into place and her leadership became stronger than ever, the bond she created with her people almost intimate.

 

Because she was smiling. Because Lexa had started to smile and cry and laugh. Because the half-goddess that was the Heda had changed into a woman. On another hand, Lexa was a hero, a hero that had saved her people from Nia. People were both admiring her, respecting her and loving her. People weren't obeying her because they had to anymore but because they wanted to.

 

I remember the day of her funerals like it was yesterday. The day people came from even the farthest lands to chop wood for her pyre and chant prayers for as long as the impressive fire burnt.

 

The day I lost a parent.

 

The day I saw my mother cry for the first time.

 

Octavia was strong. She told me when I was very little that she had sworn not to cry again the day she lost Clarke. She said she had decided to be strong because Lexa was crumbling. Because her tears and mine were enough for three people.

 

Three weeks after my eleventh birthday, we were in TonDC. Lexa was always the first one awake in the morning but not that day. I hadn't slept all night for some reason so when the sun rose I thought I would go wake our Heda. That for once I would be the first to awake in the village. So I ran. My heart was beating fast in excitement, and I couldn't wait to see what her sleeping face would look like. I entered her tent in silence, on my tip toes, using all the tricks she had taught me herself. I crawled to the bed and when I reached its foot I rose from the ground.

 

Lexa was resting on her side, Clarke's sketchbook in her arms. She was smiling, a serene smile. She looked relaxed, at peace. In the almost eleven years I spent with her I had never seen that kind of expression on her face. I had seen her smile and laugh, I had seen the way the corner of her lips curled when she was telling me about how wonderful Clarke was. But her features in that moment...

 

And it hit me. My heart stopped in my chest. My mind was boiling, split between my urge to cry and call for help. But I didn't move. I didn't cry and I didn't speak.

 

I couldn't. I couldn't believe Lexa was gone. I didn't want to break what I knew was an illusion that my childish self wanted to be true, I didn't want to wake her up. In that moment I wanted to believe that if I didn't move, didn't make any noise she would stay alseep. Just asleep.

 

Until my mother arrived. She was pissed when she entered, was mumbling something like “Here you are ! I've been looking for you for an hour !” But her eyes fell on me and then on Lexa. I saw on her face, in the way her features relaxed and her shoulders fell, the way all tension left her body, the exact moment she understood. I thought for a moment she would fall, that her knees would give up on carrying her like mine were threatening to do. But then she straightened her back. Then she raised her chin. Then she walked to me, opening her arms. She offered me a smile and I threw myself at her, burrying my face in her chest. I cried for what felt like hours while she was silently holding me, caressing my head, playing with my short hair or rubbing my back.

 

A heart defect, Abby had explained. A few years before that, after a fight, Lexa had needed Abby to stitch up an ugly wound. She had noticed in that occasion how fast Lexa's heartbeat was. 'Her heart finally went to sleep after beating so franktically for so long.' Abby had explained to the child I was a few days later. That she and Lexa had known the commander had had only a couple of years left but Abby had sworn not to tell anyone.

 

I forgot everything that happened between that morning and Lexa's funeral four days later. I can barely remember the building of the enormous pyre or the preparations for the feast. Everything is blurry, like it never really happened. But the funeral, the moment we lit the complicated scaffold that was the pyre, I remember well. I remember that I had no tears left to cry. I remember looking into the flames, looking at nothing, at the void Lexa was leaving in my life. I remember seeing my mother shift next to me. I remember the moment I looked up at her and my heart sank. She had thick tears on her cheeks, and a knife in her hand. I watched in awe as she stripped, letting her jacket and shirt fall on the muddy ground, living her upper body in only her bindings before bringing the knife to her shoulderblade. I knew what it meant and I watched as she slowly ran the sharp edge of the blade on her back, then saw the throbbing wound the knife left in my mother's flesh. A wound that would scar like the other one right next to it, remnants of the wound she cut through her skin with Lexa's dagger the day Clarke died.

 

I also remember the pride in my mother's eyes when I held back my sob and extended my hand to her. For a moment she hesitated but I kept my gaze firm, determinded and she placed the knife in my hand for me to cross the sole of my foot.

 

Octavia admitted years later that she never thought I would do it. Because we have only two feet and only two parents. I shoul've crossed that foot for my father but as much as I love and respect the man Lexa and my mother told me he was, he hasn't raised me. Octavia and Lexa did. I spent my childhood following either the Heda or her second in command. Lexa was the one who taught me to talk and walk and read. Which was both a very good and a bad thing.

 

When I turned eighteen my mother fell on her knees in front of me and apologized. She told me about how she hadn't been there enough, how she shouldn't have rejected me, how she shoul've been a better mother for me. She asked for forgiveness with tears in her eyes. Of course it was a shock but more than hurt I was proud. Proud and happy that Octavia found in herself the strength to be my mother.

 

As jealous of Lexa as my mother was, she was found of the woman. The bound between them was strong, real, honest, forged in war and blood and tears. And they shared me. I felt the hopes they both had in me my entire childhood. Ironically, both of them told me that the baby I was saved them more than once. They had both lost a sibling and a lover and had turned to me when it happened, creating some kind of tender competition, some caring battle for affection that united them more than separating them.

 

And there was Clarke.

 

Clarke, my idol, my model, the girl who fell from the sky, stormed into Lexa's life and changed the world. As a child I wanted to be like her, to accomplish things, to be strong, to be someone Octavia and Lexa would look at in the same awe and respect they showed when talking about her. There was something more than that in Lexa though. I can't count the times she told me about Clarke.

 

I know very little things about Lexa's childhood but I feel like I know Clarke personally. I feel like she never left, like she has always been here somewhere, watching everything from a corner. At some point I was even talking to her. Like an imaginary friend. Well the coolest imaginary friend more precisely.

 

Clarke kom Skaikru.

 

I open her book on my lap and start turning the pages. Day 39, when Clarke tried to teach Lexa to play chess. Day 76, when Octavia attacked Lexa with rotten apples. Day 89, when my old friend feisripa kicked Lexa's ass (literally). Day 116, when Lincoln threw rabbit guts at Lexa 'by accident'. Day 135, their journey to Polis. Day 178, when Luna didn't want to give me back to my mother. Day 223 when Clarke left Polis. The next pages are covered in random sketches she probably drew on her way to TonDC and during the time she spent hidden in the cliff-house.

 

And then nothing. Nothing until the very last page.

 

I take a deep breath as my fingertips follow the edges of the artist's masterpiece. It's a full page drawing. The lines are clear, precise, charged in feelings. My eyes roam over every detail, from the magestic scars on Lexa's blood coated face to Clarke's long blond locks. From the mud on Clarke's skin to Lexa's intricate braids. From the heat on their cheeks to where their lips are joined, to the way their feature express how important and needed this moment is.

 

The entire thing is breathtaking, and an enigma. According to Octavia, Clarke drew it the day before Lexa arrived at the hidden house and had my mother promise not to tell Lexa about it.

 

For years Lexa wondered. She wondered if that drawing was Clarke's hopes for what would happen or her last words.

 

Had Clarke somehow felt her last moments come and drew it as a message for Lexa ? Had she just wanted to draw what she thought would be the ending of that battle ?

 

Even now I don't know. I don't know but Clarke, intentionally or not, had returned Lexa's last words to her. She has echoed Lexa's prayer.

 

'May we meet again.'

 

 

I close the book and smile. Nobody will really know why Clarke drew this so deeply craved kiss but one thing is certain. As charcoal was darkening the page, the golden haired woman that fell from the sky, Clarke had probably only one person in mind.

 

I stand and walk to the chest on the other side of the tent. I unlock it using the key I always carry at my wrist and open it wide. There, are fifty books. The fifty books I wrote, hundreds of pages to tell the world their story, tell them how this world reborn because a girl fell from the sky and our commander loved too much.

 

Delicatlely I lay Clarke's legacy above mine and close the chest. I contemplate for a moment the idea of locking the chest but with a smirk I decide against it. I shake my head. I've always been too weak against kids.

 

As my old legs carry me to the tentflap I remember Lexa's last smile and before exiting I turn back and whisper

 

“May you meet again.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks again guys, you're all amazing and, may we meet again ;)

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you for reading o/ hope you enjoyed it !


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